Trying to get over his affair

I wish I could just get over it. It's been 5 years since I discovered my husbands relationship with another woman & I still just can not past this. If I had control over how my brain worked, I would never allow myself to remember the words that I read in those emails between them & I would never compare the way he treats me to the way he treated her. Those 2 things get to me alot & cause me to be in constant conflict not only with him, but also with myself. The emails were very intimate & tender & my husband said some of the most beautiful things I have ever read, things he has never said to me. He expressed a great deal of emotion in those emails to her, & my husband is not an emotional person at all. That hurts. I can not help but compare. Unfortunately for me, I have an almost photographic memory & therefore the words in those emails are constantly showing up in my head, taking me back down a dark road of painful emotions that I don't want to keep revisiting. If only I could forget! How is it though, that I - the wife, am supposed to accept less than what he gave her? That sounds like insane jealousy I know, but in all honesty- I AM JEALOUS!!! Jealous as hell & I HATE IT!!! I am jealous of how he replied to her emails & texts so promptly, but frequently ignores mine. I understand that the content of their correspondence differs from ours because they didn't have any of the baggage & it was their fantasy world. So? Is THAT supposed to make ME feel better, because it doesn't. It makes me angry. I can't compete with that! We live together in the same house & share life together, which isn't fantasy, its reality, so I can't be her. I don't GET TO BE HER, & I will never measure up in his eyes anyway. It's not like he CHOSE me vs HER, I caught him, & when that happened she was too afraid of losing her family to continue & that's the only reason he didn't continue on down this road. How do I know this? I'm not proud of this, but I tricked him with an email that he thought was from her AFTER he swore that he was never going to have contact with her again. In the email, he betrayed me again, & told her that I had been the one that found the deleted message file & read all of their emails. He let her know he was still loyal to her, & that it was not his desire for this to happen. That pretty much answered that, even though he claims that was because it was just a week after I had caught them & the outcome would have been different if I had waited just a few more days. I do not believe that & that's a problem. There is more but even typing this much has been emotionally exhausting. Help me.
bleachedblonde bleachedblonde
41-45
Aug 7, 2013