Need Action...words Are Not Enough!

I am so confused...don't know what to do. My husband had an affair (emotional - kissing, holding hands, I love you). They shared themselves, their heart and soul with each other. We have been in counseling for 8 months now and I still have a difficult time putting this behind. Part of the problem is that he continued contact with her while we were in counseling. I believe that they still see each other, and say hi. I don't think there is the sharing, kissing or love yous but I know there is still communication. There are tell tale signs when he sees her. I have seen a few items (pants pockets doing wash etc) that I know he would not buy for himself (not sure where they came from). This just all adds to my questions (that I never ask because I do not want to argue or be lied to). My husband will not acknowledge this continued contact. I just wish he would be honest with me. I can not get to forgiveness until I have honesty. This causes a vicious cycle.

The person he had the affair with is on here and has written about running into him, special accomplishments she shared and have emotional breakdowns with him. All I know is that I can not continue to live with the lies, the absence of truth (omission is the same as a lie in my mind right now). I love him with all my heart, but I can not heal until I feel like I have a partner I can trust with anything and feels they can trust me with anything. I have not been snooping as I have done in the past. I have moved on from that. I truly do not care anymore. I do read her posts I have no idea if she is aware of this or not, nor do I care. This is not about her, I do not blame her at all. This is between the two of us. We married and chose to spend our lives together. She was not in this equation. I wish her the best (whatever that is her for her right now in her life).

Last night he asked me if I need him to move out. I just don't know what to do. I can not imagine my life without him. There have been a few times that I have wanted to end things because I do not have the energy to keep this cycle and do not want to be hurt again. When I wanted to end things, he was the one that wanted to keep trying to work it out. This was not something I wanted to think about until after the holidays. I love our family time. It is when I am happiest. I wish he could see that what I need is ALL contact with her to end. If he can not do this then our relationship will not work for me. I do not think I am being unreasonable. I by no means want to hurt her but I have to put me and my family first. I truly do not want this to end, my heart is broken into a thousand pieces and I am not sure how to put the puzzle of pieces back together. My hope for the new year is that we can figure out what is best for us -- individually and together!
smurphette smurphette
31-35, F
Dec 6, 2012