Pure Morning

I believe this completely and it is incorporated deeply into he thread of my being.  There are things that I don't utter.  I don't say "I'll love you forever".  I say things like, "I see no reason that I would stop wanting to be with you."  I don't foresee a reason because I don't have a pathway of vision into the future.  There are certain people in my life that it is very hard to imagine I would ever stop loving.  I never doubt that it could happen.  I have a wonderful life with wonderful people in it.  I really do.  I don't assume that they will always be with me or that they will always want to be.  It is this odd parameter I attach to all relationships.  It exists for the now and I continue to foster an evolving bond.  I think that I would be a completely different person if I thought in terms of security and constant stability.  Change and tragedies would be harder to deal with.  It would be a surprise.  Perhaps the reason I believe that everything and anyone can change is because I change.  I let myself come to a different conclusion or respond in a different way. 

There is this whole other aspect which is that I am constantly craving change.  I get very antsy being in a certain situation or place for long.  I really try to change this about myself.  I tend to always fail.  How ironic,  I can't change in order to not want change.  I do things to instigate it which I may not do on a conscious level.  I don't purposely want to hurt someone.  I almost see it as what is good for them to.  They need to change and grow and being with me makes them complacent.  So if I just keep things constant and don't change I figure the urge will subside at some point.   Action becomes the habit and desire. Right??? It hasn't worked yet, but I am still trying.

I am fully aware of why I am like this.  What is that quote about "show me a boy of 7 and I will tell you the man he will be"  Some thing require more re-programming in order to change than others.  Oh well.

Krypton Krypton
31-35, F
4 Responses Apr 3, 2009

I have always been an ever changing being... And i have always admitted to people that i have no idea who i will be in even the next breath. And when things stagnate i find myself itchy for change- I want certain things to be new and fresh always- like a river flowing downstream- you will never step in the same waters twice....<br />
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BUT at the same time there is a large part of me that craves the stability of the things that endure over time. I WANT love that is ever lasting.. i WANT to have something that is stable and passes with me through the time... i just dont really believe in it ..

I have experienced change and it has been good except for the terrible psychical change that has left me cripple and in constant pain. I died by drowning in 1956 and know my Holy Dark Mother will be on the other side to embrace me. <br />
I believe in constant change except for one thing. When I died and found my way to my Dark Mother She said then something that I have never wondered about until now. Now, thanks to your story of change I wonder for the first time why…WHY did my Dark Mother make a specific point of saying “I love you, I shall love you forever, and I will never change my mind.” <br />
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You must understand I like you, a little bit but I do, I like you and I felt a small tug of fear as I realized that I might like you more as I get to know you better …ETC…I could grow to like you more and more …But, what if you moved away… What if you changed and didn’t need or want me anymore. This question is much more important to me then most because I am afraid of the pain that seems to inexorably come with liking some one, the pain of abandonment. It is so very much harder for me to care or like another that it becomes more painful if that caring is torn.<br />
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Interesting that the Dark Goddess, the Goddess of Death, Change has given to me a constant, a sworn promise from the Devine, She will love me forever and never change Her mind. Upon reflection, I know this, with out this promise I would never have lived. <br />
I would never have swam on the turbulent waters that drown the insane if I never had this one true North Star to always guide me home….DD

Wow! What a great perspective, Krypton! I never really thought about it but I'm kind of like that too. I believe I have some gypsy in my soul and I crave change quite frequently. It's more a change of scenery I crave, I like to hold on to the people. :-)

Extreme realist. Do the fluffy feelings from believing that something is constant really hurt anything. The future will happen no matter the perspective you had on what it could be. I have that glitch where I can't lie to myself.