Children..seen But Not Heard..

This is the story that has had the biggest impact on my heart and soul..has shaken me to the core..weakened me..deep breath..okay..actually their is 2 stories about my 2 beautiful children.my daughter and my son who have different mothers..this is the story about how my son was taken from me..i broke up with my sons mother 4years ago and we tried a few times since then to get back together.I have been a transient person all my adult life having never lived anywhere more than 20months since 15yrs old..I did not plan this..Anyway when we broke up i tried to stay close to my son and daughter living in my car for lengthy periods and trying to take any job to contribute financually to my childrens wellbeing.I ended up in a caravan park in the town where my son was living and his mother was persuing a career and wanted me to be the major carer which i happely agreed to..My son was breast fed until 3 yrs old and i never really got to sleep with him so i started by only having him during the day..One Sunday i picked him up in the morning and he commented to me that his mother had been screamimg at his older sister [not my blood child]..****..i need to say something about this child as her story is tied into mine..Her father is a Czech. guy and an artist and a very good one but he is by far the most frightened introverted person i have ever met with daylight second.When i first met him i had just returned to the east coast from Warakurna and my soul was flying..My sons mother was a friend of mine as we grew up in the same suburb and had a brief relationship when i was 18 and she was 15..Back then all of us were experimenting with drugs.alchohol and sex..Anyway i stayed in touch with Jill [i will call her Jill cause i hate saying her] as we had a connection..And was only when i reconnected with her that i discovered Jill had a deep love for nature which i find very attractive wether it be male or female..She was very happy to see someone that wasnt depressed as her partner was so depressed all the time and i can only imagine how hard it must have been to be with someone like this,,constantly having to uplift them..very tiring..i could sense he was very intimitated by my presence but within a few hours i was his best friend..i will give you an example of this guys low self esteem..Jill and Jack[i will call him this] had an amazing place right on top of a headland and you could hear the ocean singing clearly at night while going to sleep..just beautiful..in summer when 35 degrees he would go to the beach wearing black jeans a black muscle shirt,doc martin boots and a black berai.i couldnt believe this as this guy had beautiful olive skin and an amazing body..he was just so frightened what people would think about him so he had to keep his mask on at all times..I went overseas to US .Sweden and England for 2 yrs and during this time they were married..By the time i got back to see her was the year 2000 and i had a drug habit cause had a very difficult break up with my daughters mother and i lost the plot and was lost for a little while..Jill helped me to get clean and i was able to support her as she had broken up with Jack and her mother was dying..Was amazing as i helped to run her organic food business while she lived at the hospital and stayed with her mother for the last 2 weeks of her life..one of the biggest honours of my life to help her..i was off again after all this and returned in 2004 to the mid north coast of NSW where she was living..it seemed like destiny that we would be together..and we did get together..well when Jack found out he went on a mission to convince his daughter that i was a monster..i didnt handle this very well in hindsight as i had a lot to do with a lot of children in my life and gave and recieved loads of love..this was a first for me to be rejected and it hurt bigtime as i had done nothing wrong..i tried my hardest to be welcoming to her and tried to always play with her as she didnt have many friends..her father had put his fears in her..one day back in 2000 when his daughter was but 4yrs ..i went around to see him and asked how his day was,he replied terrible and said he could have got through it without his daughter..which meant he leant all over her..when she would come back to Jill after spending the weekend with him her shoulders would be slumped over and she was so so down..Jill and i used to get straight to work to uplift her and i used to do things like trip over myself just to make her laugh..they were going to court over custody for her[i will call her Sarah]sorry but i hate not giving someone a name..anyway i was going to be a witness for Jill and Jack pulled out at the last minute and Jill got custody..i believed Jill should have got court orders to keep Jack out of Sarahs life until he could get his **** together and be able to do what any adults job is with children ,doesnt matter if they are yours or not.our job is to protect the sanctety of childhood..always encourage and uplift their spirit..i believe this is normal behaviour for any adult..Jill didnt listen to me and was taken with the romantic notion of every child needs to be with both their parents which blinds her from actually realising what is good and what is bad for her childs emotional wellbeing..She stopped looking at the child.And so this gives you an idea as to why i couldnt live with my family as my presence made Sarah uncomfortable and so someone had to make a sacrifice and that was my son and i..Fast forward to that Sunday when i was with my son..He is a shy sensitive boy,much like i was as a child..When i went to drop him off on Sunday evening i turned around to undo his safety harness and he was sobbing..i asked him whats wrong and he said he doesnt want to go back inside Jills house..He was scared of the screaming..I cuddled him and carried him to the house saying to Jill that he is upset..She was short with me and said..what do you want me to do about it..and then said,,take him back with you for a while.so i took my son back to my cabin at the trailor park..i couldnt believe his reaction..he couldnt stop laughing and smiling at me saying ..dad im so happy to be here..i could sense his relief and was disturbed that **** must have been going down for some time for him to reach this point and the poor little one had kept it to himself..i was pretty disappointed in myself for not being on the ball and i had failed to pick up on the little things..so this beautiful boy had never slept with me and here he was so excited and eager to stay with me now..he told me he didnt want to go back and i promised him i would protect him and try to stop his mother screaming at him..i texted Jill saying my son was very upset and he would stay with me until things could be resolved..well Jill comes to my cabin on Monday afternoon and as soon as my son sees her he grasps my legs destling his head into me not wanting to look at her..Jill comes to the door and starts trying to talk to him and i say to her calmly that now is not the time cause he is upset..Jill persists and i pick my son up and he buries his head in my neck..I tell Jill to please leave and she tries to force her way into the cabin.things are starting to get out of hand so i gently put my son on a lounge chair and block Jill from entering..Jill starts grappling with me and i force her out the door..she then looks at me with venom and tries to scratch my eyes..i am sorry for what happened next as i got angry that she was not acting upon what was best at that time for our son..which i believe was to back off and call me later asking me what the problem was..i tried to forcefully pin her against her car telling her to leave..my hand slipped up to her throat but didnt get her windpipe so i didnt hurt her but it made me feel terrible as i have never struck a woman in my life..Jill tripped over and fell to the ground..i guess she was humiliated and confused and jumped in her car and drove past me saying..this is going to court..i went straight back inside concerned for my son..he was just sitting there saying nothing..he spent the next 2 weeks with me and seemed very happy..i asked him every day if he wanted to go back home and he always said no..i asked him every day if he wanted to talk to his mum ,again he said no..it was just before last christmas and my son was 5yrs old..Jill doesnt believe in christmas and my son had never had a christmas tree..i asked him if he would like to put one up with decorations and lights and he was so excited ..we got a small tree and put decorations on it and hung lights around the cabin..he loved this and couldnt wait for christmas,,maybe a week into the 2 weeks i had him Jill snuck around while we were playing outside and grabbed him..he started crying saying he wanted to stay with me so Jill promised him he could spend christmas with me..my son made some good friends at the park and his confidence was growing..Jill put an AVO out on me and i didnt fight it as i dont believe in the legal system and i was putting all my time and energy into my son..i was naive and should have got legal help..but i had watched the law crush my father who was a lawyer for some 35yrs and was an honest man..too honest to be a lawyer..my mother[my biggest hero] lives in the same town and was looking after my son while i was christmas shopping for him..i came back to pick him up and found my mother in tears..his mother with 5 policemen had taken my son who was crying saying he didnt want to go..now his mother promised our son that he could have this christmas with me..i wrote this story not for me although i realise putting it out there will help me to heal faster i feel..but i wrote it to show how sad it is when people like Jill are so insecure and needy to be loved and accepted that they will comprimise their childs wellbeing ..this is not a deliberate act but to me it is a symtem of this set of rules we live under called the modern culture..i do not hate Jill..i just feel sad for her and loads of others i have seen who are only victims...this might sound cruel/selfish but this happening is no surprise to me and i believe it is not my destiny to be a father in the so called normal sense..i have always been a boundry rider and messenger and the greatest love i can show for mine and all children is to do my bit in my small way to change things..twice i have been very very vulernable and tried to be Joe Bloggs..my children are a miracle and blessing and not a mistake but my destiny is set and brings joy and peace to my soul as long as i do my work..as others have said,,there is a smooth highway that is seemingly easy to travel on and a little rocky track to the side that is hard travelling with stones thrown from the sides but believe me the riches for the heart and soul are beyond words..strengh is in numbers and one drop does start a river..the opportunity is there for all and everyone has a part to play..i believe it is nature where clearness and clarity is found...i love you all so much and i cant write any more..i am spent right now..check her out..remember, never die wondering...love and best wishes to all..your destiny waits..xxxxxoooooo
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neverdiewondering neverdiewondering
51-55, M
Nov 28, 2012