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It Wasnt Love,

When he came to my life ,he seemed like a charming man ,good ,polite ,quite ( spoke so quietly and calmly ),he laughed alot ,that made me fell that i was funny .
We did lots of things together ,and spent most times together during the first weeks ,but then he started to look gloomy and at some points he will ask me to leave him alone whenever i was concerned .
I started to get surprised of his behavior ,but i kept telling myself that it will go at some point .
His always got angry with the way i cooked food ,he kept saying that that i did not know how to cook ,(it shocked me since people who knew me loves my cooking very much )
He constantly kept telling me that i do not know how to keep my house clean ,and that he has not seen a set of people like me.
Slowly he started calling me names ,stupid ,crazy woman , sick ,******* ***** ,***** ,over and over again ,from petty issues ,i cried myself out but he did not care .
So for feeling sad i kept it low ,did not talk much as i was sad ,so he started to accuse me of ignoring him ,at eh moment when i am feeling sad ,and that i disrespect him ,then forcefully he came to hug me and force me to sex.
I did not give in sex coz i wanted it ,we struggle a lot , he hurt my wrist ,so to avoid pain ,i relaxed and let him do whatever he wanted ,this time he is holding me down on bed .this went on and on till when i cried out to him to ask him to stop doing it , i presume he felt guilty and he never did it again 2 years now .
To make story short ,he continuously called me names ,belittle me ,embarrassed me in front of other people ,yelled at me ,broke things in my house,pulled down my photos from the wall ,saying that i love myself too much ,asked me to sarcastically fix my mouth with a laugh ,to fix my legs , .
He said that i am not a woman enough since he has never had a woman like me ,and that all his ex girlfriend were much better than me ,i know of a list of all his girlfriends by name ,as he kept telling me things about them and compared me with them.
I have lost 2 pregnancies in this relationship.
So i reported him and he was warned of his behaviour ,he is keep it calm ,doenst yell or talk so harshly to me ,the thing is i wonder if he has changed ?
Will he get back to be himself again ?He has been acting lovingly ,caring ,since when he was confronted ,and sometimes when i get irritated (PMS)and get angry myself ,he just keeps cool before it was much worse .
Snapping at him was unnaceptable during my PMS, he wanted more attention from me when i had PMS ,but i could not keep up to that ,as i get so agitated with realy bad cramps .

So should i trust that he has changed ?
Whenever he gets a bit angry i fear ,and if it is at night ,my heart beats really first when he is next to me ,as he never stops to talk when he is angry .
His words are " its like ,you dont care "
"its like i am a nobody "
"its like i am a robot"

I am looking to start an no for profit organization to support other women going through the same abuse but i am looking for international help .if interested ring a bell please.
personally i am in teh healing process ,i into spiritual healing ,meditation ,self realization ,positive living and it is helping me a lot .I am doing yoga exercise too ,which i am happy ,that he is supporting me ,i cut out all the link to my social life when he came to my life ,but now he is allowing me and trying to push me to do many things that will be helpful to me .
So i feel great building my confidence and self esteem back ,but sometimes i wonder if he is in a sheep skin.

Talk to me
kikikenya kikikenya 36-40 2 Responses Oct 23, 2012

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I hate to say it but people like him do not change. He is merely giving you the calm before the storm, before the cycle starts again. Get out.

He is not just an emotional abuser he is a physical and spiritual abuser. You better get free of him if you want to thrive-but if you don't love YOU enough-how can HE? He is a belittling bully-not worthy of the goodness you offer him-please RUN in the opposite direction from HIM! Lisa