I Wish It Were So.

Everything happens for a reason. Well, isn't that nice. Okay, clearly I am quite angry, bitter and/or cynical. You know, there was a time when this was all I believed, and I scooped through life with a certain confidence and satisfaction, waiting for that thing that was interesting to happen next. Perhaps it is greed, but actually, it is disappointment, that has changed that view. I am bitterly disappointed, and I have been betrayed by the people I trusted and loved, who were supposed to guide me to my hopes and dreams. And they, in failing, simply put up their hands, to say they didn't care, and it wasn't their fault or business. And what that reveals, is your need for them; that they were an important source of support in your early days. Everybody needs it; I am stunned by how people need support, because they clearly need it. You can talk and talk and talk, but nobody listens. Because they don't care. I mean, they do, in the moment, but the advice, well, if it's not good, then **** you. And so it's up to me. And knowing that, I guess you go, well, universe, god, ether, or whatever you are: why didn't YOU help me. Supposedly you are in the know; I have burnished my skills, I have polished my pen. My weapon is at ready. I have done everything, I have kept going forward in good will, and good intention. And you, you let me down. You wore a thousand faces, dumb, ******* faces, and you let me down. I did it, and in good faith, I made myself ready. Well, now I'm waiting. I would say the ball's in your court, but apparently you don't care. You can't care perhaps, and maybe I am caught in an ethical system of ... need. I want to believe you'll do things for me, keep an eye on my well-being, but perhaps all I'm trying to do is escape my personal responsibility. And that's the crux: everything happens for a reason, weaving you into a larger tapestry, even though this planet is a giant anthill, and meaning may well be counterfeit. When I was a kid, I believed. I saw your face, I knew your picture. Now, whatever it is is far away. I am older, and things, don't seem to pan out. If there was a moment to strike, I think it's passed. I am underutilized, and I am appreciated but not enough, not the way I'd like. The trick is, you can come to me in the face of someone I should believe, and then, when they **** up, when they don't care, they go, well blame god. Cheap.