Confessions of a broken heart....

Imagine this.. You're madly deeply in love with the man you married last year, your best friend, and partner in crime. You have a strong and fun relationship, you are together for years, you get married, you buy your first home together, and then what's next? You spend your time enjoying each other and your new home, but what's next?

Well.. Here is our story.. My story.
On June 4th 2014 I was missing my usually very punctual menstrual cycle by about a week or two and had a feeling in my gut... I tell my hubby that I think I should take a pregnancy test just to put myself at ease... He of course panics! Not only has he had the work day from hell but also because we were not planning a pregnancy quite yet (but what are we waiting for?) I assure him that it's probably not going to be positive but I just need to take one.

I stop in and pick up some tests on my drive home from work, I get home to an empty house and race to the bathroom because that's my usual routine after a long commute home, only this time I would be peeing on a stick too. No more than a few seconds later sure enough I have those dark lines! According to my test I was pregnant.. My reaction was complete panic mode! But why? I have no idea, I think finding out your life is about to change forever is kind of a good reason to panic. I immediately think is this right?! Am I pregnant? I literally run to my sisters house (4 doors down) and shove the stick in her face in the midst of a panic attack and ask her if I'm pregnant??? And she of course very excited and a mother of three already tells me yes and calms me down and starts to get me excited.

Now I have to tell my very grumpy husband. I go home and see his dad and brother with him in the driveway and I'm like.. ****! I have to wait even longer to tell him now. He goes to play ball for a bit and my sister gave me a good idea to get a card and put the test in it for him. Luckily Father's Day was just around the corner so I run to target (fast) and pick out a first time Father's Day card along with some bourbon and I wrote him a short note.. Something that ended with holy ****!! Since that's so us.

When he arrived home he asked me about the test and I said I hadn't taken it yet, I told him I did however get him a present since he had such a bad day. I hand him the bottle of bourbon with a card taped to it... He opens it and is very excited to see the news! *phew* now the excitement really kicks in! Oh my gosh we are going to be parents, this is amazing!

Later that night my sister drops off a cute gift of sparkling cider and the what to expect when your expecting book. I started reading it right away.. I should have been about 5 weeks at this point. I make all my doctors appts first thing the next morning and I am so ready to start this exciting new chapter in our lives.

The next few weeks are totally stressful, all I can think about is my little nugget cookin inside me, it consumes my every thought. I realized I wanted this so bad and I loved this little bean so much already. I joined all the mommy groups whose babies were due in February (our due date 2/6/15) and read daily updates on what was happening in my uterus.

We decided at about 6 weeks to tell our families because we were so thrilled! I bought children books and wrote in them "please save until February 2015, love baby Rhinehart" and the responses were so much more than we could have imagined, so much love and support.

Everyday is still a battle in my head, worrying about my baby, my only symptoms were sore breasts, extreme exhaustion, and cravings. Why wasn't I feeling all these other things the other women were feeling at this time? One morning, it was a Wednesday I woke up and didn't have tender breasts anymore.. I thought it was really strange but I was still really tired so I tried to ignore it but paranoia was consuming me. That next Friday I had less than a teaspoon of pink in my underwear and I had a total meltdown. The obgyn was amazing and brought me in right away... I should have been about 8 weeks at this point, but the doctor took a picture of my baby and said you are not 8 weeks, you are 5 weeks. I thought this isn't right, there is no way. He decided to have me get my hormone levels checked, they should double within 48 hours if you have a healthy pregnancy. I was staying positive thinking I suppose it is possible to be 5 weeks but if that was the case I tested positive extremely early.

I had my first blood test, got the call that my levels looked great! They were in the thousands, thank god! I still had to go back so there was something to compare to but I was under the impression that they would be great and I would start my journey worry free, and keep a positive outlook the remainder of my pregnancy.

On July 2nd 2014 I called my obgyn at about 1:30pm thinking I would just get this over with and enjoy my long weekend..much to my surprise.. I got the worst news any expecting mother wants to hear. "I'm sorry but your levels went down" I at this point am asking every question under the sun "you're having a miscarriage" replayed in my head over and over...how can this be happening? I was so happy, I loved this little embryo, WE loved this little embryo.

The next few days were the worst days of my life.. My heart was completely broken.. My entire body hurt. I cried every waking second. My husband was so sad.. But so strong for me. He's a saint! The day after I was told this was not a healthy pregnancy my body started doing the miraculous things that it does and the miscarriage process began.. It was hell. I had so many emotions.. I was so angry. But I will say I was relived I knew it would be coming and wasn't taken by complete surprise when my body put me through the worst pain I've ever experience both mentally and physically.

It's been over a month since we lost our first pregnancy together. I still cry every week.. And get sad when I see pregnant mommies to be, not because I'm not thrilled for them but because that was supposed to be me too. I never knew that something like this would affect me the way it has. It's been quite the roller coaster. It's been hard. Though I am still grieving, I am trying to stay positive and tell myself that this is gods way of teaching us something, and bringing us closer to each other. I do believe everything happens for a reason..even if it doesn't make sense to us at the time.

We know now that we want to be parents more than we've ever known before. We will start trying to get pregnant again once we have the green light. I pray that we are not faced with this unfortunate tragedy again. I thank The Lord every day for the life we have, I thank The Lord for the support we have, I thank The Lord for the husband I have, and I thank The Lord for the strength he's given me.

This is my story..
jcav03 jcav03
31-35, F
2 Responses Aug 15, 2014

I am so sorry your going through this. I pray for you one day to be blessed as parents and when that happens it sounds like you'r going to be amazing parents and the best of luck to you both

Thank you! ❤️

Your welcome - your little miracle will happen :)
My little miracle was a super surprise didn't find out till I was 8 mo along and then she was here and I wasn't supposed to be able to ever have children

The one bit of advise I can say is have lots of patience and if they are quiet they are into something lol but you'll find that out soon enough and again the bestest of luck and God Bless You

Wow, how amazing!! That definitely gives me hope! I hope I find out before 8months ;) how brave of you! We will take any miracle at this point. We appreciate the encouragement.

It just means it wasn't time YET. You guys will be better parents for it, and the love that will consume your child will be unrivaled. Good luck & god speed

Thank you! ❤️