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Maybe I watched too much tv as a kid.

But I have always had this impossible dream in my mind. Of a family that likes each other. Of a mother and a father and some kids. They laugh together, and the tough times only make them stronger. Because no matter what's going on, they care about each other.

I feel like my eyes have been opened for a few months now...to my own home life. Then I turned my eyes to others' lives. To the people around me, and to all of the EPeeps who let me be privvy to their situations. And so, so many of us are in this same situation. And it just makes me sad. I begin to wonder if marriage is an outdated institution after all. If anyone could really be happy with anyone else after time takes its toll.

Is anything really permanent in this life?

Because if love can't last, what is there to live for after all? Everything stems from love. If not, it doesn't mean anything. What is understanding without love? What is generosity? Sacrifice? Without love, they're only a means to bitterness and resentment.

I was watching a video on youtube that a friend sent me. Different ways to pull teeth. Just a joke about the Little Bird and his new hobby.  And this one...I've watched it three times now. Just looking with longing at the family pictured here. Kids are happy, connected, tuned in to mom and dad and siblings...Mom and Dad are so easy with each other, everyone is laughing. God, how I want that. Their interaction is effortless, and the affection between them is almost tangible.

 


The cynic in me wonders what happens when the camera goes away. Does Dad sleep in the guest room? Is Mom having an affair? Is that older kid a bully? Maybe one of the parents has a drinking problem. Everyone has issues. That's part of life. But is it possible to be with someone - long term  - where there is mutual respect and understanding and love and compatibility?

I want to believe in something concrete. I want to see someone who has been married for a long time who can tell me that they've enjoyed the ride. Or that it gets better. Or what makes it get better. I want someone to tell me that this is worth it. Or how to make it worth it. Tell me that I'm faulty, or that my husband is. Just let me know that there is hope for something more. Not even hope for me specifically. Just hope that someone, somewhere could find happiness that will last more than a season.





onceandfutureglow onceandfutureglow 31-35, F 83 Responses Jul 18, 2010

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Marriage should be a 5 year contract with options. If both parties get bored or the sex is bad ...opt out and find a new partner.

Every realsionship/marrage have problems sometimes, it is just sometimes it does solved/worked out and sometime not.

My granparents always worked trough problems. You could see how much they loved each other and also how much they loved their family. They did every thing they could to help and be there for us.

It was normal that they got out of the bed about the same time.
Grandma did go make tea and made break fast, while grandfather did make a small lunch box and tea termo can and also check if everything was ready before he would go out with his boat.
When grandmother was done making breakfast, they sat down together. They talked about random stuff while eating. Afterwards my grandmother would go after his jacket gave him the jacket while he was getting in his rain boots. They would tell each other how much they loved each other and kissed and then he would go to work. She didn't work, but she would go out of the in morning so they could spend a bit of time together before he did go to work. They loved to spend evertime they could together.
When problems were they just sorted it out.

There were other things that showed how much they loved each other, so you could maybe get thefeeling what I meant. Small details like that and and big ones made everybody feel that it was true love between them.

If you had meet them, I am sure you would see how much in love they were even after being married in 60 years.
Most people said how special to see people that had been so long married for so long to still love each other so much.

You can't say that my parents were like that. They were more the oposite from my grandparents...

No body can be in realasionship without problem days, but diffrence is that some always find a way to work it out and some don't.

Farytail romance or anything like that doesn't exist. There will never be a realsionship with just wonderful days.

Some people fit together, better then others do.

Everybody has ups and downs, that is one of the reasons a priest sayes '...trough good times and bad times....' when people get married in a church..

I am not sure what problems or the situation you have, so I can't say if it something fixable or not...
But try your best if you love him.
Hope it will get better.
You are welcome to write to me if you want or need to talk with someone.

P.s. My gradparent did everything to help everybody in need.
Don't give up in beliveing love is in this world.

I think its a valid question, with all the divorce today. But I think Aw all still dream and hope. I went to a wedding today of a young couple they are so on top of the world! Full of hope and blue skies! Just like I was and of course the dark clouds come and go. We take the good with the bad. Hope for the best.

I worked in an assited living building for the elderly. I have seen true love last for years and years, even if I only got to witness it at the end of their lives. I've seen couples who once one dies the other was never the same, and some who died shortly afterwards. I've seen couples who fought and fought and fought, but never went to bed angry and even in those silly old folk arguments, you can feel the love between them. I even witnessed one woman who lost her husband to cancer, and a year later she was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal pancreatic cancer. Dr's said she had 3 weeks to live. What was the first thing she said to me the first time I saw her? With a huge smile on her face she said full of glee I get to go home and be with my husband again! I am so excited! She died 2 weeks later, never once wavering in her joy to be with him again. <br />
<br />
True love exists, soulmates exist. And once you find yours, and not settle for anything less, you will have what your looking for.

Hi. I am not married yet, so I cant tell you what you have asked. However I can tell you what my mum has told me about her marriage. She was not happy in the beginning years of her marriage, I suppose everyone is 'shocked' to see the other side of their partner, that they are not as perfect as we think. There is always things that irritate you from his habits, and my mum said "You will get used to it until you feel numb". <br />
I know what kind of family you have in mind, and I dream of that too. However there are things that we expect that are not realistic, I guess. I dont mean love is unrealistic. but just the way people express love most of the time is not what we expect. <br />
Eventhough my dad irritates my mum a lot, but I know he does things to help her, and care for her when she is sick. I know it is not perfect but I guess it shows more than anyone who might not even care.

i would love a family. love, life, laughter and happiness with someone too share with. too bad, it didn't happens to me. i am a single mom with one child. that makes a family.

i think i have problem with my family.i love my dad, mom and sister so much that i think i would die if i lose them. However, except for my sister, i talk very little with my father and can't keep conversation with my mom more than 10 minutes on the phone.Now i live far away from my home and only come back to home 2 or 3 time a year. Recently, I have read a story and at the end, it asked me: How many springs can you meet your parents? it made me think a lot, maybe it's only 10 or fewer. So is there the number i can meet them. i was really scared. The most important i think i haven't done is i have never said " i love you" to my parents. Why am i not a kid? it would be more easier to say so.

You sound loving and selfless just hoping and praying for an answer to lifes unanswerable question. If you find the answer, please let me know.

As you can see, I'm pretty young to have an opinion on this, but your story got me thinking. I come from a broken family and I vowed that one day, I would have a stable, loving environment to go home to. I think it's silly to expect happiness 24/7. People are fickle, unexpected things happen, hard times come about, but in between those moments, there is (or there should be) love. There should be a bond that is strong enough to withstand those moments, and a willingness to compromise or step into another's shoes, and I think that is a very realistic thing to achieve. Every family will have their quarrels and their bad moments, but that doesn't mean that overall they are dysfunctional. One of my favorite quotes is, "Without darkness, we'd never see the stars." I remind myself of that every day. <br />
<br />
Your writing is beautiful. Stay positive and work for what makes you happy.

I've been married for 43 years and have a son, age 26, and a daughter, age 21, who would be good in your cast for a family unit.

I just wanted to tell you that happy families do exist. And so do happy marriages. My parents have been together almost 40 years, and they were the most amazing parents in the world. <br />
<br />
They went to hell and back with me when I was dealing with my BPD. But they were right there with me every step of the way. I can't imagine having better parents.<br />
<br />
So...yes, good relationships do exist. And they can last.

i guess i was one of the lucky one's ...i had it all ..a loving husband ...two great kids ..<br />
and a career ...fast foward ...into my new life ....my sweet husband is heaven ..my son is overseas ..and 13 yr old is killing me slowly ...we did have it all at one time ...but nothing good can last ..because without change we don't live ... we just stand still.....hugs and prayers

. . . and how do you know this family is not blended?? What say i bet they are. . . . .

I read this and had a very deep connection to what you are saying. My mother and father kicked me on the streets when I was 18. I had no money, no where to go, and no way to go back to college. I struggled and moved into my boyfriends family house. I know it sounds weird, but they invited me in. I have been watching the way they interact and it just amazes me. They joke around everyday, rarely have fights (and if it is it is with the 14 year old boy of the house). They do things together, they are just so connected. The whole family is! I have talked to them countless times about how they are so bonded and they just laugh and shrug. I believe there is hope out there. Besides, the situations that we have to live through are to help us learn. Don't grow up and be like those who hated or knew they did wrong. Learn from their mistakes and make a better life for you and your family. I know I am going to. I am completely in love with my boyfriend and I know he is about to propose. We have been through thick and thin and we have never left each other's side once. I had to sit with him in the hospital for 10 hours after someone had tried to kill him. We have lived in close quarters together for our whole relationship and still get along perfectly. We have our disagreements, but who doesn't. Just change your situation for the better <3

It can happen if you let go of the idea of perfection. You can't make things perfect every minute. People can ruin their happy lives by being too concerned with what's perfect as much as by ruining the happy with their flaws. It's all a balance. Love is always there, sometimes it's just harder to feel or to find.

Love is a crazy thing,but true love never gives up. There's been times i thought i would, but we have pulled thru it. There's been times i would like to ring her neck,and i no it gos both ways. Have you ever had a friend you got mad at for just a week,and then you forgave them and moved on being friends like nothing ever happen. Well the same thing happens when your in love. Love in a marriage means you have found your very best friend. Even in bad time she on one end of the house you on the other not talking to each other dose not mean the marriage is over. I love my wife and i would like to allways think it is for ever. I know couples who have been together for 30, 40, 50,years and you can still see them glow with love. Yes there is lovers out there that stay together tell death has parted them. I don't think i want my marriage to have been effortless, if there were sacrifices made they were worth it. Just like colormevibrant said hope and forgiveness gets us a long way. Yes love can be long term. God bless you.

I know that in our society, many people don't take marriage as seriously as they should. The second things get hard they give up and get out. But, I don't think that's how it should be. To have a good marriage and a good family takes a lot, a lot, a lot of work. And to make your marriage work you must be fully dedicated to making it work. I know quite a few people who have actually been married for 30+ years and are still married. However, I'm sure in the past they have went through many hard times with their marriage and their family. But, they worked through it, they leaned on each other, and they leaned on God and that is the only reason that they are still going strong today. So, the reality is that no family or marriage is perfect but people can successfully be married to each other until the day they die.

i really believe in family i still have both mother and father and i think its wounderful infact if i were in a close comunity i woould love to be responsible for alot of children because i love being around children teaching them right from wrong and also i have noticed with my own children you get more of a response if you jive more love than punishment and i just love learning from children i also love to encourage them every day by watching them and seeing things that they do every day i would tell them how smart they are how kind they are caring loving and creative and beautiful because its true and if its said enough they will believe this and this is what they will become ive seen it many times and of course i would love to have a father in their lives.

People always joke around saying stuff like, "Hahaha, don't get married! Stay single!" especially men. When I was a kid, I never understood that, because I thought marriage was the highest goal in a romantic relationship. It seemed so contradictory, and I never understood it.<br />
<br />
The past few months I've really been thinking that I want to get married someday, have children, be a great husband and an even greater father. I can relate to your story, and I hope someday you're part of a happy family. :)

I too had a dream of a better family life. When he and I were both from a disfuntional family. With the after effects of that, it would be amazing if anything when right. Now that we are empty nesters, I found that love it not from people, (you may not like this part) it's from God because he is love. We even divorce for a short time and when we got back together had to find where the love comes from or it wouldn't have worked then either. But we did find it, not in a church, not from friendly advice, but from God, himself. I acturally learned how to talk to God, praying is mostly just a form that everyone follows, but talking to God and having Him show you where the answer is very personal. I found love for God and myself. Then I found I can include others and it wouldn't take away any of it. <br />
Try it hopefully you'll find what I did.

I like the idea that the biggset gift to be gievn to my kids are my good realtion with their daddy ^__^

this is a delightfull video and so nice to see mom and dad with their children haveing fun.<br />
There are alot of happy couples in the world today but it doesn't just happen, it's not like the luck of the draw. Both adults have to do their part and work at it and quite frankly it's the best gift one can give to their children also a good example for them to follow.

Hello,<br />
<br />
I like you appraoch of seeking true love.<br />
<br />
I believe that my whole life happiness and attachment strated afetr marriage, my husband is someone who can understand & care without i could even say. I am totally in love with him & I feel that i am lucky to be his & he is mine.<br />
<br />
I think that if two people really decide to marry then they should strive to keep their relationship as the best cause this is the only heaven on earth

Thank you for all of the comments...<br />
<br />
I know about loving friends. I have some incredibly beautiful souls in my life that I have loved for many years..I wouldn't trade anything for them. I was specifically looking for something that <br />
Aquarius mentions. That there are tears along the way, but it doesn't always *end* in tears. <br />
<br />
Just something to keep hope alive in myself for a better tomorrow. : )

It also caught me what you said about love. love between friends, isn't that a powerful thing? That kind of love is the kind that can last a life time. People always say the best thing is when you're in love with your best friend because it's a kind of love that becomes a part of you. It lives with you in a way that love when you meet someone and date before you're friends does.

My parents constantly yell. They're so loud I can hear them in my room when they're in the ba<x>sement. My relationship with my younger sister has been pretty rocky for the past few years. However, I would not hesitate to say that my family is the happiest family I know.<br />
After arguing, my parents never hesitate to say "I'm so sorry. I love you." "I'm sorry too, I love you so much." They've been together for 20 years and when I ask why they fight, they say it's because they care enough about what the other person thinks that they argue. They're both pretty hot-tempered, so it usually leads to raised voices.<br />
My sister and I are 5 years apart, so it's hard empathize with her sometimes, but I'm always trying. And she knows that. She tries to meet me halfway. And doesn't that count for something?

My Grandfather and Grandmother had a happy life together. They operated a restaurant and a rockshop and lived life. They enjoyed each others company until they passed away.

Serious thoughts, concepts and possibilties.

I can say that I've learned alot about love for my mother and my siblings. Ive at least always loved my mother and my siblings. Thereve been times when it was hard for me to love them likewise at some periods of time but we always got through them somehow and it was most likely because of my mither who was always shiwing that she loved us and let us run relatively free and waiting until we needed guidaance in something. I think its the affection you show which teaches your children that its oj to show who you are likewise in glad and sad times, first then can you ride out the storm together.

Ya when I grew up I wanted to be just like Donna Reed reruns. Is it ever too late?

i will have to reread this post as it is so amazing. But consider this: if love can't last what is there to live after all? How about love for yourself? Love for the people in your life? And the living creatures around you? Those are enough reasons for me to live for, they have been good reasons to me when all else has been long gone and all hope lost. Hope my advice serves you.

I wanna hear that kind of story too. That even problems, situations and issues come, they still manage to resolve it, that love and good things above all is important.<br />
<br />
I just learned when I watched tv this morning from a celebrity couple, that the formula for keeping the love alive is 3P. Prayer. Patience. Partnership.

I have to admit that I think it has to do with your own situation and who you are. Sometimes the old nuclear family structure isn't the way for happiness. I think it's a mistake to define happiness in old cultural constructions. But I also think it's a mistake to be sad about it. Our society is moving in a different direction and there is a reason we are learning to adapt this way socially. It doesn't mean that there is any less love in the world: it just means that the love comes from different place, in different relationships (both real and fictive kin), and that we should accept who we are and where we came from. <br />
<br />
An example: My mother and father are very happily married. They have had their ups and downs (especially when I was a kid we had financial problems), but they have gotten through it and my brother and I have a good relationship with them. My brother and I are also incredibly different people and do not understand each other one bit. We will never have a very good relationship. <br />
<br />
Myself, I will probably not get married or have kids. (If I do fine, but I don't see it happening). I could fall in love with a man or another woman. I could be in love with two people. If I don't have a child by 35, I will adopt. They will not be part of the normal family structure. We will also have our ups and downs...<br />
<br />
We shouldn't be upset because things aren't always what they seem. We should take the mistakes our own families made and try to correct them with our relationships with those we love. However, we can't expect to be perfect or follow any sort of cultural construction to the T. It's all part of being human.

there is too many comment to what you have wrote and i dont know if u will get this or not but u really gave me sumthing to think about....a moment ago i was thinking to suicide and i check my facebook n it says.u r the strongest baby!.my frens believes in me..right now my mom hates me but i know she has always loved me..and also everybody have issues in their lives so do i...i was so frustrated and could hardly manage to cope with it..i gave up and again rise up...i was confused and paranoid and at the end came up with plan to end my sorrows once and for all....but i came across your story and i think i wont go from this world like a loser...i remember i wrote somewhere in my pages many years before that i am a warrior!!

Yes it is possible but understand it requires several very specific factors in order to happen:<br />
<br />
1. By pure coincidence you just find the person with whom you have a totally natural and effortless connection you like the same things have long productive conversations amazing sex life and are best friends.<br />
<br />
2. Since 1 is extremely unlikely to happen, you need to:<br />
<br />
- Tell people apart quickly... and am not talking about appearances. Every person has encoded in their body language their entire personality, learn how to read this.<br />
<br />
- Get to know the "selected" people a bit more deeply... not about the weather but who they really are. You only really know someone when you understand their dark side.<br />
<br />
- You are not one person, you are a different person with each person you meet. So keep in mind the right person will have such an effect in you that you'll feel happy and you'll be a completely different person than you usually are, in a good sense. You'll be a super-you better in every way.<br />
<br />
- Depending on how easy it is for you to be happy with someone, you should start meeting a lot of people. And I mean really a lot... hundreds! After you learn how to distinguish the good from the bad of course. Because it is really a question of numbers... you have to keep meeting people until you find the right one.<br />
<br />
3. Accept defeat, believe that you have to compromise between the risk of being alone for the rest of your life or finding the near-perfect relationship your looking for. This is what most people do, after meeting many wrong people they just stop believing there is a right person and take the best they found to spend their life with. This is also the reason why many divorces happen because best they found is not good enough or because they find something better along the way.<br />
<br />
<br />
4. Get a mutually-convenient casual relationship until you find something better. Having a casual relation with someone who you enjoy and enjoys you even though your not right for each other can be quite relaxing as you don't have serious feelings. Of course you do need to be smart enough to see that the casual relation is really a casual relation for both and not just for one! ;-)<br />
<br />
<br />
In my years of experience I met a few thousand women I learn how to spot compatibility pretty fast and get to know the person better when I think there might be potential. I have not yet found the right person or lets rephrase... I did but they either have boyfriend or are married already... so I'm still looking for. I also did another thing which was identify the mentality which I feel that matches me more. I travelled around europe got to know people from all over the world and found particularly connected to Lithuanian women. I only met a few and they were quite amazing even though not perfect match it was pretty close so now I am planning to go live in Lithuania for some time and see what happens. ;-)<br />
<br />
So honey, if you want to be happy, you gotta do what it takes. As for me, until now I have preferred to be alone than to be in a relation where I am not happy. I love myself too much to give away my freedom like that! :-)

In order to make a great family, there has to be understanding, obstacles have to be overcome, there has to be trust and honesty. I use to look at my parents growing up, and thought to myself, " I want to be like them". My parents were far from perfect. They were the ones who argued the whole ride home, didn't talk to each other for days, had physical altercations. But what I saw as a child was how they always tried to work it out. And I wanted that. That stuck with me until I found the one who I believed to be my soul mate. We've been together for 10yrs. And believe me, we've had our share of ups and downs. And I've never lied to anyone about what really goes on. I want people to know that. No one is perfect. But its up to you & your partner to put forth the effort. If they can't hack it, don't feel like things have failed. Just move on. A lot of people don't know what it takes tohave that strong bond. Your relationship or family might not be a fairytale. But if your happy, that's all that matters.

In order to make a great family, there has to be understanding, obstacles have to be overcome, there has to be trust and honesty. I use to look at my parents growing up, and thought to myself, " I want to be like them". My parents were far from perfect. They were the ones who argued the whole ride home, didn't talk to each other for days, had physical altercations. But what I saw as a child was how they always tried to work it out. And I wanted that. That stuck with me until I found the one who I believed to be my soul mate. We've been together for 10yrs. And believe me, we've had our share of ups and downs. And I've never lied to anyone about what really goes on. I want people to know that. No one is perfect. But its up to you & your partner to put forth the effort. If they can't hack it, don't feel like things have failed. Just move on. A lot of people don't know what it takes tohave that strong bond. Your relationship or family might not be a fairytale. But if your happy, that's all that matters.

I was very fortunate to grow up in a very happy and loving and supportive family. Mom and dad loved each other and all us kids knew that we were very much loved and wanted. Sure life was not always perfect and we did have our problems from time to time but we always stuck together and worked things out.<br />
<br />
All us kids grew up secure in knowing that mom and dad loved each other and they were always faithful to each other. There were many marriages in the extended family too that were as good and loving as mine were. I had grandparents who were happily married for over 50 years. And I even had an aunt and uncle who were married for almost 70 years. All the couples were as much in love with each other the day they died as they were the day they married. So I do know that happy families are possible. It takes work but I really think that work is worth it.

Well...I'm no longer with my husband..<br />
<br />
Relationship has been finished for a long time, but the move happened at the beginning of this year. I guess in the long run, it doesn't matter if it can happen, for us...it didn't. <br />
<br />
Not many people share the same dream, but I hope that I can find someone that does. If I don't, then, for me, it's better to be alone...: )

I shared the same dream with you for a while, till I got divorced three years ago. I was married for 10 some years. I think, what I realsised, especially the last couple of years being single and dating, is that not many people share the same dream nowadays. Being married, and having or living for your kids and spouse seems to be a dream of the past. The new dream seems to be: independance, higher education, better job and a trip to europe! Beats me! ...however, I am sure its still out there... Loved your storry. Keep fighting for it...its worth it!

what you see....<br />
the good times, the laughter, support and love....are real<br />
the not so good times, the sadness, the distance, lack of support...are real<br />
<br />
It's called REAL LIFE...nothing is perfect.<br />
For all the positive things that ever happen..somewhere there is a trade off...REAL LIFE.

If you haven't already, do consider couples counseling. Some beautiful relationships have been born from damaged ones. And before you give up on the promises you made each other consider if there might be hope if you try something new, maybe something new with help. I wish you the best future.

since no one is perfect you can't expect a perfect marriage or family. Some days are compromises and wanting to scream out loud in frustrations. But i do know happily married couples who have taken every day good and bad and been thankful for it. Just remember if you don't have bad days you can't truly appreciate the good ones

No matter the problems or struggles you two may encounter, you can face the challenges over and over again because you know that those joyous moments are worth fighting for.

We all love the TV programmes with a happy family and happily ever after message-it gives us all hope and something to aspire to but real life is different.<br />
I believe there are many happy families around but TV packages life into convenient little half hour or hourly episodes and we are lead to believe that life is like this.That there will always be a conclusion to the problem and it will all end with a hug and a laugh.<br />
In real life you need far more patience,determination to make things work.The answers to problems can take months to solve and you have to be steadfast and committed and stay with the discomfort sometimes.Good relationships are worth working at and waiting for.Good relationships are not about perfection but loving each other enough to stick at it and try to work things out.Happy families are about people who care about each other,its quite simple.<br />
Life these days is far more ba<x>sed on instant gratification than ever before.Whatever we desire we are lead to believe we can have it right now, and that this will change things and then we will be happy.Most advertising tries to convince us of this.The fact is that this isnt how life is.Fulfilling our every desire is not the way to happiness.It is much deeper than this and needs to be worked at on a daily basis. <br />
You ask the question is anything permanent in this life.I believe the answer to this is no.Nothing is permanent.Everything is in a state of change all the time,but that does not mean that a good marriage is not possible.A good marriage has to constantly change and evolve as we change,society changes,the world changes.<br />
So never expect marriage to be an easy ride.Nothing that is really valuable is easy.

i have never met a happy family<br />
<br />
i think its because<br />
<br />
familiarity breeds contempt

i have never met a happy family<br />
<br />
i think its because<br />
<br />
familiarity breeds contempt

I understand some of what you are feeling. It has been necessary for me to try to blend into situations where I have felt like a round in a square world. Most of the time it is my own inner conflicts that cause me stress. For a long time I just made up my mind to change whatever I needed to change in order to fit in and be accepted by my new family. This was marginally sucessful. I then began to realize that those who did not accept me probablly never would no matter how much I changed to suit or tried to blend. Then I went through a phase of depression about that. After that I decided that since it really would not matter either way I needed to find things that I could keep my self busy doing and being that did not damage relationships but would keep me as happily during those relationships as possible. After another round of depression over all that I realized that I needed to find the people I felt the most comfortable with and spend more time with those people. Some were old family members, some new family members and old and new friends. I went back to my hobbies I had always liked. I started taking better care of my health. I continued to love and do things for the people who wanted me around and appreciated me for just who I was. I began appreciating people for themselves no matter whether they could help me fit better or not. Now I am just disappointed that I am not such a good fit in my new world but I no longer am devistated about that reality. If my new people decide to run me off or that I am not good for them. So be it. <br />
<br />
You have decide whether where you are and who you are with is worth what you are going through to be there. Sometimes we fight and fight for something we really don't want or need just because we feel that we should be wanting to fit in and blend and keep trying. If the very things you are seeking will only still cause you torment when you get them - do you really want to fight the battle and then still be the sad loser at the end of it?<br />
<br />
I do not suggest leaving your spouse and or your children. I do suggest you take a long look at just what you are seeking. Change yourself but do it for yourself not to fit. Begin to do the things you really want to do. What are they and do you even know? I found after making the list that most of the things I really wanted to do were things that did not even involve the people I was trying to be accepted by and wanted to fit with. When I realized this fact it was liberating because it just didn't really matter anymore and I was not angry about it or even really sad. I could still be happy doing what I wanted to do with my life and stop fretting about not fitting into their world. Find your own self and then just add your family and their world to your world. I do believe it is worth it. I love my spouse and his family but I don't have to have them to continue being me.

bigmyth - hahaha...um...well, when I wrote this story, my marriage was in its death throes. I have never really gotten what I needed from him. And as much as I tried, he wasn't getting what he needed from me. We have love. But so many incompatibilities...We separated at the beginning of the year, and have found functionality. It's weird, but seems to work for us. As to the family...I still hope for that someday. I hope that I can find that somewhere. Someday. <br />
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whatsername - Nice comment. I guess what you're saying is that what makes a family is different for different people. What works for some doesn't work for others. What I want...need...is the family that's tuned in to each other. I don't want a roommate. I want love and intimacy...And that seems to be the hardest thing to find.

Well, my parents have been married for 25 years. They have had a lot of ups and downs - they even broke up at some point, but then they made up and they still are together. We are in no way your conventional family - my parents gave up on that a long time ago. They have found other arrangements that work much better for them, keeping them together (for example, each of them has their own room). A while ago I actually asked my mom if she still was IN love with my dad - and yes, she says she is. You can have a traditional family in the sense that you have a husband and children, but the mechanisms that keep this family going need to be fully adapted to your needs. <br />
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Since I haven't been married myself, I don't know how competent this piece of advice is. But I hope it will give you the grain of hope you were looking for when you wrote this story.

glencora - I agree. And I try to provide those things for my children. My own family life when I was a child was incredibly chaotic. Unstable. I wasn't abused, but I watched my mother be abused by multiple husbands, and lived with her mental issues. The one thing I had though, was love. From her, I had love that a lot of people never get to experience. But my father was the one who showed me what love is. How to love. The sacrifices he made for me and the time he invested in me when he had me on the weekends....he taught me how to treat other people. And how to love my own children. <br />
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Friends do provide a family. And for some people, that's all that's necessary. I do want the family. The "traditional" one with the parents and the children. Maybe its not for me. But it's what I have always wanted. Still learning how that can be functional.

I have always wanted a loving, close, stable family. It will NEVER happen, unless I create it! I am 40. I doubt I will ever marry and have children; don't really want that anyway. I and a few friends compose my "family". It's sad because family is the first social unit we encounter. It defines who you are in the world and to a large extend; who you become. A loving family makes all the difference in this cruel world. Children raised in dysfunctional, abusive, emotionally distant, chaotic, etc. homes are at a huge disadvantage! It's true that no family is perfect, but there are degrees of chaos. Some chaos is expected and acceptable, but then there is that level of instability which seriously undermines healthy spiritual, emotional, and even physical growth. I have no capacity to truly love or be intimate. I don't know what it really means to trust. I never learned those traits because I never saw or experienced them. People should NEVER have children, until they can provide a loving and stable home. So many of society’s problems could be solved with stronger families!

I haven't patched up/healed from my issues enough to be able to keep a healthy romantic relationship for more than 4 years, but I have friends and family (in our age-group) that have done better. They have the family celebrations that are "Hallmark-worthy" and give them the feeling that the work they put into it is truly worth it. My sister is one such lucky person. Her marriage of 11 years has produced 2 kids intentionally, 1 unexpectedly but very happily... so they are a family of 5, and after 11 years of her giving me an honest peek at what her marriage looks like, I've seen that it takes a lot of work! Both she and her husband have had to commit to learning about each other as they grow older and change with parenthood and other life changes.<br />
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Knowing the work they've put into having those picture-perfect moments lets me know that at least there isn't some "magic" that some people are sprinkled with in their marriages/relationships. There was a knitting group I was privy to for awhile (I was the only one in the group not-married) listening to various brave women chatting wisely about each other's relationships. The honesty about their difficulties and the humor they'd bring in to their advice/support of each other's plight was really encouraging. It taught me that I should at least try to not ever be completely alone in whatever I"m suffering from. (These ladies liked to vent about kids and husbands.) They were able to knit and walk away feeling a little bit better about what they'd experienced during the week. <br />
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Just a few thoughts that came up after reading your story. <br />
I wish the best for you. I know you can create beautiful moments like the one you admire in the video... I hope you post about them sometime. xo

Thank you for the comment...I think so many of us are longing for it. We've talked so much on here about givers. How givers always seem to end up with takers. And we let it be so. It's sad. And lonely for everyone. And there are kids involved, and things just get so messed up. It just takes a bit of courage to try again. I'm working on that. Keeping on with my belief and my hope. I have to believe it's possible. I just have to. : )

You express yourself so eloquently....its poignant and heart wrenching at the same time...but you have captured the essence of my own feelings so well....thank you for giving voice to them. <br />
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I truly hope you find what you are looking for. Even if you don't, I pray you won't ever quit searching. <br />
Because sometimes the journey is the prize itself.

Welcome, Schlee : ) <br />
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Love is the major pursuit in most people's lives. I am loved and I know that...I just wish I had that love and family connection in my marriage. I

I agree to an extent, saarabellum. We put on masks and we do what we have to to survive. I think there must be people who have found the key to long term happiness in relationships. Lilt seems to have it. Others do. I have been married for almost eleven years, and there have been tough times and easier times. But when it is falling apart everywhere and there is no fulfillment...what do you do?<br />
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I think it has to be a situation where both partners respect each other. Try to meet the other person's needs and trust that they will do the same.

'the idea of being only complete with someone is really absurd' - before sunset.<br />
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what you are feeling is how everybody feels about relationships. but like everything we want to experience in life, risk are always to be taken. and choices are made when it comes to love if you want it to last forever. reasons why most relationship dont work like it used to because of the variaties of distractions in our society today..

we can only see what we want to see. its not about being cynic.. its about being real. yes, thats the big question, 'what happens when the camera is out?' we also choose to show others what they want to see. nobody knows how dad and mom feels.. not even each other knew how they really felt about each other.. love is never forever, its always a choice to keep that together. but the important thing is to never give in. always remember to love yourself. its easier to be around a happy person..

Most important thing is to be confident in your relationship and KNOW that it will work out. That makes it alot easier! :)

Hi there...I've read lots of comments not to repeat advices....so i'm goanna tell u a few things in lots of words, just coz i'm that complicated.<br />
I'm an overthinkin' person, so in my 21 years I've learned a lot, and talked with grandparents and childs better than with anyone in between. I’m from Argentina, so you’ll might have to work a little to understand what I’m trying to say.<br />
My uncles are the only exception to the rule I've met (with the three sweetiest kids I’ve ever seen). They love and deffend each other (both, kids and parents), and they talk openly about failure, disgrace or sex (with terms for the kids age of course). THREE THINGS THAT SAVES A COUPLE: RESPECT, SINCERITY AND LAUGHTER. That, for sure, works better than love (wait a little, I know it sounds awfull). Why? Simple. Between most of couples, love's just a word...inside each one, it means a whole world, it might be even the reason of their lives, but... the space between complicates it all. You can’t just send by mail or get into a pen-drive info form ior brain to his. So you say "I love u", and u really do. He says tha same, and he really does too. But you're talking about a house nearby the river, with a "columpio" (bouncing chair...¿swing?) at the garden, a Golden Retriever and three wonderfull kids with names included...and he's thinking of a permanent honeymoon traveling all over the world with pocket cash and climbing the freaking Himalaya, and sweetie....<br />
<br />
THAT<br />
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WON’T<br />
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WORK.<br />
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Part 2: About the institution. Marriage IS a sacred vote (¿vow?), and also a will control strategy. We are not taught to LOVE, and that’s hard. First, because of what we talked (or I writted) before, and second beacause people aren’t statues. We grow, we suffer, we laugh, WE CHANGE (some a little, some a lot). What we do are taught, is to hang on, to fight, to be strong, and all that crap, that’s complety necessary, but we’re talking about two people trying to love, and not to conquer Rome. It’s hard, coz deep inside our whole kind has a common fear (even the ones that enjoy it, and look foward it)...LONELYNESS. Fear and stupidity might be the keys to a long life and happiness...but that’s sure the hell of a selfish life. When u don’t stop to think, u run through life chasing neon lights and ferry tails, and you expect a Blue Prince with a white horse from a poor dude, that’s working seventeen hours a day, and just want to hug u, kiss u, and get some sleep. Fear (with the help of a millenium culture), makes you think u WORTH more when u MAKE IT WORK, while all u’re doing is to give pain a full ticket to both lives. You wake up together and kiss with the same emotion u open a door, u say “I love u” automatticaly, and u spent the day wathcing he smile wondering “why can’t he sees your suffering”. Probably...because, he’s thinking exactly the same. I found, for example, that I’m great with kids, a lot of people agrees I’m it’s best friend, and lots of woman apreciates my kinderness, and the fact I do care about others feelings, etc.....Thing is. I don’t work as a couple. Amymusic, is one really strong person for example. “Not to have kids? Not to have sex? What kind of couple are u?”, bull#! minds would say. But some of us find love in other ways, like taking care of a friend’s child, sharing a bbq between 20 friends, talking with a lady in a bar for hours without any intentions of having sex....So. MANAGE YOUR-SELF BY VARIABLES; NOT BY EXPECTATIONS (don’t force others to become what u expected of them, or things). KNOW YOUR-SELF (you might be living for another search instead of love, or peace and quiet, may be freedom, may be truth, and givin’ a lot of you for something that won’t ever fill u). DON’T BE AFRAID (to see the ugly things just like they do, to be lonely, to “loose” someone, to fail). RESPECT OTHER’S WILLS (we haaaaaardly want the same things in the same way, and there’s a lot of chance we’re wrong). KEEP AN OPEN MIND (you might have what u want in a way or with someone u didn’t expected to, or wanted to, and be happy at least). LAUGH (don’t take things too hard, though seriously). FORGIVE (it’s not others fault not to please u, and neither is their mission to do so....however, somethings dessereve a reprimand). COMPREHEND (different personalities, different backgrounds, though common, human relashionships are one of the most difficult things ever...don’t punish different ideologies, listen, learn, and help. Or get the f#k out of there). EVERYTHING CHANGES (you born, you grow, and u die....that’s all u’re going to do while u last? If life “ends” with death why wouldn’t joy end in tears?...easy. Death gives the land the seeds of a new life, why would tears be different?...”Live and let die”, an old love goes, a new love comes). SHARE (speak your mind, and your heart. It’s going to be a hard long way, but everything u get from there will be true, and not just “love likely”, “shuttered eyes peace”, “almost freedom” or “feels like happyness”). LEARN FROM OTHERS (the value of third’s exp is constantly undestimated, “he’s too young, too old, too far, too different, bla, bla , bla”. If u listen, or read –from individuals, groups, books, or bands- u might have a new vision of something that someone passed –sometimes far away, sometimes long ago- and help u not to be “Stucked in a momment”). Uff....that’s a looong letter, and I’m certainly forgetting somethings, but I think (though it’s not what u wanted to read), this might help u out. <br />
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PD: (Sorry again, for the extra-size comment)

hishoneysuckle - thank you. : ) That's a beautiful story. The kind of thing I want/need to read. Success. Not just tolerating each other...but still loving. Long term happiness. Thank you.

"But the thing is...what happens when you stop wanting to make it sacred?"<br />
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That's a heavy question. I stopped believing. We lived separately, had separate lives, and we actually pretty cordial about meeting up for final paperwork at a neutral place. We stopped long before then I think. One thing I can't ever say I saw him do before is believe, truly believe in us. That was the knot in the string only he could untie. Especially since all the convincing, support, and unconditional love couldn't make him do it. It sucks but he had to wake up and really actively make it sacred. And when he ptsd's, he does prevention, takes responsibility, makes sure we are ok, keeps his vows. <br />
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Only thing that can save it is if you both believe in it being sacred and you both make it so, I suspect. I was ok leaving and raising the kids alone. It was better than living the way we were. Either way, if I was going to stay married, I was never going back to "that". If I did, I wouldn't be mentally strong enough to cope. Seriously, I already reached my breaking point. I just cannot go back to how it was and still be sane or whole. All the marathon fighting, etc...I told him, if we truly loved each other...we damn sure deserve better than living like this. We owe it to each other to honestly, genuinely love each other. Beside, we went through so much crap that we deserve a damn break and a good life. You guys do too. You're still such a young couple. Too young to go through so much grief and heartache, distance. People deserve to have something real and share it with each other. <br />
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I wish...I wish he'd wake up and realize how much your touch, your nearness, is nothing but good for him. And how it is the same for you. I still believe there is a reason you two were together. Call me crazy but I'm taking a leap and believing. Is the pain because you are wrong for each other or because you put all that space in between? This is a question both of us really had to think over for a while and answer.

My husband and I have been together for 18 years and it has gotten better and better over the years. We have become closer and kinder to each other, happier to be together. We tell each other every day that we love each other. He has been my best friend almost since the day I met him, and he can still make me blush like a school girl if he asks me to the movies or to dinner. So it does happen. But, if you are looking for the relationship where the husband never sleeps in the den (we have separate bedrooms and we no longer have sex), and the children are always happy (we don't have children because we have mental illnesses and decided against it -- but we are wonderful Aunt and Uncle), I don't know if you can find it. I know a few couples that seem to have good lives with children and fewer problems than us. Keep hoping. I help this helps.

<i>a sacred bond is so because you make it sacred</i><br />
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Tekk - I used to believe this. Maybe I still do. But the thing is...what happens when you stop wanting to make it sacred? When everyone is so caught up in themselves that the bonds are peripheral. Or when all the Things in our lives become too much, and we just stop caring? When you forget about the bonds all together. I wish I knew how to make us be at that place again. <br />
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tmajor - I know why I'm the way I am. And why he's the way he is. The problem I have is I don't think we're able to be compatible. <br />
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JunedynnSantos - I don't hate my family. : ) I love them. You're young, I'm assuming you still live at home, and the family you speak of is your parents and siblings. I can tell you for a fact that those relationships can get better. Most of the time they do. When you move out and start your own life.

Understandable. Although we're born with our own different character and temperment traits that can ultimately play a large role in how we live our lives, it''s the parents responsibility to teach their children how to evaluate and pick a compatible mate. Understanding there are a multitude of outside the family forces that can derail ones plans but must be factored in the learning experiences.

I can relate to what you feel. Right now, I am not happy with my family. I mean, we always quarrel with each other. I hate it! We always give sarcastic comments at each other which makes it even worst! Oh, I can enumerate a lot of things right now as to how I hate my family. I don't know why we are like this right now.

WOW, lots of nice comments here!<br />
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Doesn't it seem as if happiness stems from our origins and beliefs. From what country we live in, how we were raised by our parents, how our spouses were raised, do we find comfort in GOD, and how we raise our children. To how we perceive life if we are able to see it for what it's worth, and not how it is forced to be!<br />
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Step back and evaluate your life as far back as you can remember in your childhood up to the present, and perhaps you can see why you are where you are today! In fact evaluate how your parents were raised as well if possible.<br />
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Everyday Is A New Beginning!<br />
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GOOD LUCK AND GET HAPPY, YOU DESERVE IT!<br />
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GOD BLESS

omg, I thought Tasmin deleted too! <br />
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It has been such a strange ride of growth, change, setbacks, and strange unexpected little blessings. But it's been a real vivid and strange life as of yet.<br />
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In my case it was the actual possibilities of being happy after the break downs and break ups that were a real eye opener. There is life that exists out of the "institution". And that a sacred bond is so because you make it sacred. You break the bonds, you mend the bonds. You make the mess, you clean it, not get someone else to. It wasn't the institution but the balance of what worked for the whole family as individuals and as a working unit. Eventually parts of the unit will grow up and leave the nest...But the message blared above all the noise was...healthy relationships are possible in any circumstance and all parties involved deserve to find that. We "wanted" this to work out, then we both had to make it work out. And I shouldn't feel bad if I had to keep moving, raising the kids, when one party wasn't privy towards following through that goal after several attempts of getting him on the right track. He was going to do it...I had to respect that it would do his ego and pride good if he decided on his own. He's got to make the choice to say yes because he decides it is right. That's not to say I didn't attempt some influence or made a good case for choosing family and marriage above all else. <br />
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It won't be a "perfect family" or even a constantly happy family but I think the theme we discovered was a functioning and healthy one. Love might override a lot but no one should ever treat each other poorly and if things happen then recovery time and remedies are important.<br />
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...eh...I don't know where I am going with this comment either. I want some oatmeal cream pies...lol...mmm...

They do. : )

I think life and love are journeys. But I do believe that long-term happiness is possible. Perhaps the lows help us to appreciate the highs. Hope and forgiveness get us a loooong way.

Goodness you just freaked me out, Tas!! Your comment disappeared, and I thought you'd deleted. (Ack.)

I tried to add to my comment but somehow deleted it.<br />
<br />
But anyway as you know i agree with you totally

Lilt - Your family does give me a little hope. I see the banter between you and Mr Lilt on occasion around here...and it does my heart good. 22 years and you like each other. That's pretty amazing. <br />
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Unshakable - From my point of view...if you have real love - where two people are both giving - then the other obstacles aren't so bad. Life is good and it's bad. Nothing changes that. Love just makes the bad bearable and the good better.

Hi dear friend.Most of everything in my life were nothing to live for till the day Philip came into my life 10 yrs ago.Thought its time i have happiness and love totally.Then came my health challenges 5 yrs ago.On one hand i have heaven and the hand hell.We all have no way to stop things from happening but we do have a decision to build our lives the way we want it.Have a blessed day.

I've yet to meet anyone with a picture perfect family and marriage. There are no guarantees, sweetie. Appearances mean nothing.<br />
From my experience, it's a work in progress everyday. And that's after 22 years of marriage. The dynamics of life, work, and kids make it a constantly changing entity. <br />
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But it's okay. There is lots of laughter, lots of happiness, and lots of "I wouldn't trade this very moment for anything." Those are the things you cherish and get you through the "Ima gonna kill you," moments.

I know...you too. Sorry. : (

Tas - that's exactly what I'm talking about. It seems like everyone I know has a relationship that is like a pretty house they've fixed up for everyone to see...and it's beautiful from the outside. But then you glimpse the inside, and it's crumbling. Just an illusion of something great. For everyone else to see. I wouldn't care if everyone thought my life was horrid...if I am happy, and my family is happy, I'd be happy. I don't want to impress anyone. I just want to find love and peace. <br />
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Louise - Thank you for the comment. Maybe there really are people out there like that. I hope there are. So far in my life, I've worked and tried...and it's a square peg in a round hole. Or a square peg with no hole at all. Just doesn't work no matter what I do. :-/

So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future
A man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun

I feel your pain and bliss.....

Please consider - some people have an appitude for building a happy family. I know several and admire profoundly. They are proactive, anticipate change, avoid desctructive situations and have parents that respect one another.<br />
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But dont give up hope! There are many families that have their moments! They go for a ride. Enjoy movie night together. Shuttle the kids to school and make halloween costunes and christmas cookies . It is not bliss but it is not negligible either. <br />
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Dont despair of building something ---- even if you and your partner aren't prfect. Just go for the moment. <br />
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Bless you.