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Maybe I watched too much tv as a kid.

But I have always had this impossible dream in my mind. Of a family that likes each other. Of a mother and a father and some kids. They laugh together, and the tough times only make them stronger. Because no matter what's going on, they care about each other.

I feel like my eyes have been opened for a few months now...to my own home life. Then I turned my eyes to others' lives. To the people around me, and to all of the EPeeps who let me be privvy to their situations. And so, so many of us are in this same situation. And it just makes me sad. I begin to wonder if marriage is an outdated institution after all. If anyone could really be happy with anyone else after time takes its toll.

Is anything really permanent in this life?

Because if love can't last, what is there to live for after all? Everything stems from love. If not, it doesn't mean anything. What is understanding without love? What is generosity? Sacrifice? Without love, they're only a means to bitterness and resentment.

I was watching a video on youtube that a friend sent me. Different ways to pull teeth. Just a joke about the Little Bird and his new hobby.  And this one...I've watched it three times now. Just looking with longing at the family pictured here. Kids are happy, connected, tuned in to mom and dad and siblings...Mom and Dad are so easy with each other, everyone is laughing. God, how I want that. Their interaction is effortless, and the affection between them is almost tangible.

 


The cynic in me wonders what happens when the camera goes away. Does Dad sleep in the guest room? Is Mom having an affair? Is that older kid a bully? Maybe one of the parents has a drinking problem. Everyone has issues. That's part of life. But is it possible to be with someone - long term  - where there is mutual respect and understanding and love and compatibility?

I want to believe in something concrete. I want to see someone who has been married for a long time who can tell me that they've enjoyed the ride. Or that it gets better. Or what makes it get better. I want someone to tell me that this is worth it. Or how to make it worth it. Tell me that I'm faulty, or that my husband is. Just let me know that there is hope for something more. Not even hope for me specifically. Just hope that someone, somewhere could find happiness that will last more than a season.





onceandfutureglow onceandfutureglow 31-35, F 81 Responses Jul 18, 2010

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I understand some of what you are feeling. It has been necessary for me to try to blend into situations where I have felt like a round in a square world. Most of the time it is my own inner conflicts that cause me stress. For a long time I just made up my mind to change whatever I needed to change in order to fit in and be accepted by my new family. This was marginally sucessful. I then began to realize that those who did not accept me probablly never would no matter how much I changed to suit or tried to blend. Then I went through a phase of depression about that. After that I decided that since it really would not matter either way I needed to find things that I could keep my self busy doing and being that did not damage relationships but would keep me as happily during those relationships as possible. After another round of depression over all that I realized that I needed to find the people I felt the most comfortable with and spend more time with those people. Some were old family members, some new family members and old and new friends. I went back to my hobbies I had always liked. I started taking better care of my health. I continued to love and do things for the people who wanted me around and appreciated me for just who I was. I began appreciating people for themselves no matter whether they could help me fit better or not. Now I am just disappointed that I am not such a good fit in my new world but I no longer am devistated about that reality. If my new people decide to run me off or that I am not good for them. So be it.



You have decide whether where you are and who you are with is worth what you are going through to be there. Sometimes we fight and fight for something we really don't want or need just because we feel that we should be wanting to fit in and blend and keep trying. If the very things you are seeking will only still cause you torment when you get them - do you really want to fight the battle and then still be the sad loser at the end of it?



I do not suggest leaving your spouse and or your children. I do suggest you take a long look at just what you are seeking. Change yourself but do it for yourself not to fit. Begin to do the things you really want to do. What are they and do you even know? I found after making the list that most of the things I really wanted to do were things that did not even involve the people I was trying to be accepted by and wanted to fit with. When I realized this fact it was liberating because it just didn't really matter anymore and I was not angry about it or even really sad. I could still be happy doing what I wanted to do with my life and stop fretting about not fitting into their world. Find your own self and then just add your family and their world to your world. I do believe it is worth it. I love my spouse and his family but I don't have to have them to continue being me.

i have never met a happy family



i think its because



familiarity breeds contempt

i have never met a happy family



i think its because



familiarity breeds contempt

We all love the TV programmes with a happy family and happily ever after message-it gives us all hope and something to aspire to but real life is different.

I believe there are many happy families around but TV packages life into convenient little half hour or hourly episodes and we are lead to believe that life is like this.That there will always be a conclusion to the problem and it will all end with a hug and a laugh.

In real life you need far more patience,determination to make things work.The answers to problems can take months to solve and you have to be steadfast and committed and stay with the discomfort sometimes.Good relationships are worth working at and waiting for.Good relationships are not about perfection but loving each other enough to stick at it and try to work things out.Happy families are about people who care about each other,its quite simple.

Life these days is far more based on instant gratification than ever before.Whatever we desire we are lead to believe we can have it right now, and that this will change things and then we will be happy.Most advertising tries to convince us of this.The fact is that this isnt how life is.Fulfilling our every desire is not the way to happiness.It is much deeper than this and needs to be worked at on a daily basis.

You ask the question is anything permanent in this life.I believe the answer to this is no.Nothing is permanent.Everything is in a state of change all the time,but that does not mean that a good marriage is not possible.A good marriage has to constantly change and evolve as we change,society changes,the world changes.

So never expect marriage to be an easy ride.Nothing that is really valuable is easy.

No matter the problems or struggles you two may encounter, you can face the challenges over and over again because you know that those joyous moments are worth fighting for.

since no one is perfect you can't expect a perfect marriage or family. Some days are compromises and wanting to scream out loud in frustrations. But i do know happily married couples who have taken every day good and bad and been thankful for it. Just remember if you don't have bad days you can't truly appreciate the good ones

If you haven't already, do consider couples counseling. Some beautiful relationships have been born from damaged ones. And before you give up on the promises you made each other consider if there might be hope if you try something new, maybe something new with help. I wish you the best future.

what you see....

the good times, the laughter, support and love....are real

the not so good times, the sadness, the distance, lack of support...are real



It's called REAL LIFE...nothing is perfect.

For all the positive things that ever happen..somewhere there is a trade off...REAL LIFE.

I shared the same dream with you for a while, till I got divorced three years ago. I was married for 10 some years. I think, what I realsised, especially the last couple of years being single and dating, is that not many people share the same dream nowadays. Being married, and having or living for your kids and spouse seems to be a dream of the past. The new dream seems to be: independance, higher education, better job and a trip to europe! Beats me! ...however, I am sure its still out there... Loved your storry. Keep fighting for it...its worth it!

Well...I'm no longer with my husband..



Relationship has been finished for a long time, but the move happened at the beginning of this year. I guess in the long run, it doesn't matter if it can happen, for us...it didn't.



Not many people share the same dream, but I hope that I can find someone that does. If I don't, then, for me, it's better to be alone...: )

I was very fortunate to grow up in a very happy and loving and supportive family. Mom and dad loved each other and all us kids knew that we were very much loved and wanted. Sure life was not always perfect and we did have our problems from time to time but we always stuck together and worked things out.



All us kids grew up secure in knowing that mom and dad loved each other and they were always faithful to each other. There were many marriages in the extended family too that were as good and loving as mine were. I had grandparents who were happily married for over 50 years. And I even had an aunt and uncle who were married for almost 70 years. All the couples were as much in love with each other the day they died as they were the day they married. So I do know that happy families are possible. It takes work but I really think that work is worth it.

In order to make a great family, there has to be understanding, obstacles have to be overcome, there has to be trust and honesty. I use to look at my parents growing up, and thought to myself, " I want to be like them". My parents were far from perfect. They were the ones who argued the whole ride home, didn't talk to each other for days, had physical altercations. But what I saw as a child was how they always tried to work it out. And I wanted that. That stuck with me until I found the one who I believed to be my soul mate. We've been together for 10yrs. And believe me, we've had our share of ups and downs. And I've never lied to anyone about what really goes on. I want people to know that. No one is perfect. But its up to you & your partner to put forth the effort. If they can't hack it, don't feel like things have failed. Just move on. A lot of people don't know what it takes tohave that strong bond. Your relationship or family might not be a fairytale. But if your happy, that's all that matters.

In order to make a great family, there has to be understanding, obstacles have to be overcome, there has to be trust and honesty. I use to look at my parents growing up, and thought to myself, " I want to be like them". My parents were far from perfect. They were the ones who argued the whole ride home, didn't talk to each other for days, had physical altercations. But what I saw as a child was how they always tried to work it out. And I wanted that. That stuck with me until I found the one who I believed to be my soul mate. We've been together for 10yrs. And believe me, we've had our share of ups and downs. And I've never lied to anyone about what really goes on. I want people to know that. No one is perfect. But its up to you & your partner to put forth the effort. If they can't hack it, don't feel like things have failed. Just move on. A lot of people don't know what it takes tohave that strong bond. Your relationship or family might not be a fairytale. But if your happy, that's all that matters.

Yes it is possible but understand it requires several very specific factors in order to happen:



1. By pure coincidence you just find the person with whom you have a totally natural and effortless connection you like the same things have long productive conversations amazing sex life and are best friends.



2. Since 1 is extremely unlikely to happen, you need to:



- Tell people apart quickly... and am not talking about appearances. Every person has encoded in their body language their entire personality, learn how to read this.



- Get to know the "selected" people a bit more deeply... not about the weather but who they really are. You only really know someone when you understand their dark side.



- You are not one person, you are a different person with each person you meet. So keep in mind the right person will have such an effect in you that you'll feel happy and you'll be a completely different person than you usually are, in a good sense. You'll be a super-you better in every way.



- Depending on how easy it is for you to be happy with someone, you should start meeting a lot of people. And I mean really a lot... hundreds! After you learn how to distinguish the good from the bad of course. Because it is really a question of numbers... you have to keep meeting people until you find the right one.



3. Accept defeat, believe that you have to compromise between the risk of being alone for the rest of your life or finding the near-perfect relationship your looking for. This is what most people do, after meeting many wrong people they just stop believing there is a right person and take the best they found to spend their life with. This is also the reason why many divorces happen because best they found is not good enough or because they find something better along the way.





4. Get a mutually-convenient casual relationship until you find something better. Having a casual relation with someone who you enjoy and enjoys you even though your not right for each other can be quite relaxing as you don't have serious feelings. Of course you do need to be smart enough to see that the casual relation is really a casual relation for both and not just for one! ;-)





In my years of experience I met a few thousand women I learn how to spot compatibility pretty fast and get to know the person better when I think there might be potential. I have not yet found the right person or lets rephrase... I did but they either have boyfriend or are married already... so I'm still looking for. I also did another thing which was identify the mentality which I feel that matches me more. I travelled around europe got to know people from all over the world and found particularly connected to Lithuanian women. I only met a few and they were quite amazing even though not perfect match it was pretty close so now I am planning to go live in Lithuania for some time and see what happens. ;-)



So honey, if you want to be happy, you gotta do what it takes. As for me, until now I have preferred to be alone than to be in a relation where I am not happy. I love myself too much to give away my freedom like that! :-)

there is too many comment to what you have wrote and i dont know if u will get this or not but u really gave me sumthing to think about....a moment ago i was thinking to suicide and i check my facebook n it says.u r the strongest baby!.my frens believes in me..right now my mom hates me but i know she has always loved me..and also everybody have issues in their lives so do i...i was so frustrated and could hardly manage to cope with it..i gave up and again rise up...i was confused and paranoid and at the end came up with plan to end my sorrows once and for all....but i came across your story and i think i wont go from this world like a loser...i remember i wrote somewhere in my pages many years before that i am a warrior!!

I have to admit that I think it has to do with your own situation and who you are. Sometimes the old nuclear family structure isn't the way for happiness. I think it's a mistake to define happiness in old cultural constructions. But I also think it's a mistake to be sad about it. Our society is moving in a different direction and there is a reason we are learning to adapt this way socially. It doesn't mean that there is any less love in the world: it just means that the love comes from different place, in different relationships (both real and fictive kin), and that we should accept who we are and where we came from.



An example: My mother and father are very happily married. They have had their ups and downs (especially when I was a kid we had financial problems), but they have gotten through it and my brother and I have a good relationship with them. My brother and I are also incredibly different people and do not understand each other one bit. We will never have a very good relationship.



Myself, I will probably not get married or have kids. (If I do fine, but I don't see it happening). I could fall in love with a man or another woman. I could be in love with two people. If I don't have a child by 35, I will adopt. They will not be part of the normal family structure. We will also have our ups and downs...



We shouldn't be upset because things aren't always what they seem. We should take the mistakes our own families made and try to correct them with our relationships with those we love. However, we can't expect to be perfect or follow any sort of cultural construction to the T. It's all part of being human.

I wanna hear that kind of story too. That even problems, situations and issues come, they still manage to resolve it, that love and good things above all is important.



I just learned when I watched tv this morning from a celebrity couple, that the formula for keeping the love alive is 3P. Prayer. Patience. Partnership.

i will have to reread this post as it is so amazing. But consider this: if love can't last what is there to live after all? How about love for yourself? Love for the people in your life? And the living creatures around you? Those are enough reasons for me to live for, they have been good reasons to me when all else has been long gone and all hope lost. Hope my advice serves you.

Ya when I grew up I wanted to be just like Donna Reed reruns. Is it ever too late?

I can say that I've learned alot about love for my mother and my siblings. Ive at least always loved my mother and my siblings. Thereve been times when it was hard for me to love them likewise at some periods of time but we always got through them somehow and it was most likely because of my mither who was always shiwing that she loved us and let us run relatively free and waiting until we needed guidaance in something. I think its the affection you show which teaches your children that its oj to show who you are likewise in glad and sad times, first then can you ride out the storm together.

Serious thoughts, concepts and possibilties.

My Grandfather and Grandmother had a happy life together. They operated a restaurant and a rockshop and lived life. They enjoyed each others company until they passed away.

My parents constantly yell. They're so loud I can hear them in my room when they're in the basement. My relationship with my younger sister has been pretty rocky for the past few years. However, I would not hesitate to say that my family is the happiest family I know.

After arguing, my parents never hesitate to say "I'm so sorry. I love you." "I'm sorry too, I love you so much." They've been together for 20 years and when I ask why they fight, they say it's because they care enough about what the other person thinks that they argue. They're both pretty hot-tempered, so it usually leads to raised voices.

My sister and I are 5 years apart, so it's hard empathize with her sometimes, but I'm always trying. And she knows that. She tries to meet me halfway. And doesn't that count for something?

It also caught me what you said about love. love between friends, isn't that a powerful thing? That kind of love is the kind that can last a life time. People always say the best thing is when you're in love with your best friend because it's a kind of love that becomes a part of you. It lives with you in a way that love when you meet someone and date before you're friends does.

Thank you for all of the comments...



I know about loving friends. I have some incredibly beautiful souls in my life that I have loved for many years..I wouldn't trade anything for them. I was specifically looking for something that

Aquarius mentions. That there are tears along the way, but it doesn't always *end* in tears.



Just something to keep hope alive in myself for a better tomorrow. : )

Hello,



I like you appraoch of seeking true love.



I believe that my whole life happiness and attachment strated afetr marriage, my husband is someone who can understand & care without i could even say. I am totally in love with him & I feel that i am lucky to be his & he is mine.



I think that if two people really decide to marry then they should strive to keep their relationship as the best cause this is the only heaven on earth

this is a delightfull video and so nice to see mom and dad with their children haveing fun.

There are alot of happy couples in the world today but it doesn't just happen, it's not like the luck of the draw. Both adults have to do their part and work at it and quite frankly it's the best gift one can give to their children also a good example for them to follow.

I like the idea that the biggset gift to be gievn to my kids are my good realtion with their daddy ^__^

I too had a dream of a better family life. When he and I were both from a disfuntional family. With the after effects of that, it would be amazing if anything when right. Now that we are empty nesters, I found that love it not from people, (you may not like this part) it's from God because he is love. We even divorce for a short time and when we got back together had to find where the love comes from or it wouldn't have worked then either. But we did find it, not in a church, not from friendly advice, but from God, himself. I acturally learned how to talk to God, praying is mostly just a form that everyone follows, but talking to God and having Him show you where the answer is very personal. I found love for God and myself. Then I found I can include others and it wouldn't take away any of it.

Try it hopefully you'll find what I did.

People always joke around saying stuff like, "Hahaha, don't get married! Stay single!" especially men. When I was a kid, I never understood that, because I thought marriage was the highest goal in a romantic relationship. It seemed so contradictory, and I never understood it.



The past few months I've really been thinking that I want to get married someday, have children, be a great husband and an even greater father. I can relate to your story, and I hope someday you're part of a happy family. :)