How Can I Come To Forgive Myself?I was brought up into a Christian family with a pastor as a father and I have learned that God is merciful and forgives and loves unconditionally. Because of the way I grew up, I learned to forgive everyone for their actions, no matter how painful it may be to do so. I forgive people, but I can never forget their actions.
I've learned to forgive every single person in my life, despite the hardship except for one; myself. I can't come to terms to forgive myself for my actions of what I have done to my loved ones due to my anger issues, my depression, and my confusion and frustration with how the world works. Even if God and another person gives me forgiveness, I cannot come to forgive myself, for I have said and done terrible things in my past that haunt me. Especially these past few months....
My friend I love so much....I had said terrible things to him and caused him frustration. My friends, I caused them to see the ugly side of me. They had to see me cry and suffer. I had wished the bad luck of others around me. I have made my disability of trouble interacting with other people an excuse. I've apologized so many times after showing them my misbehavior. My actions have had major consequences and even now I am working for atonement.
My friends have forgiven me to some point, but the memories of what I had done to them are etched in my mind and haunting. So why is it that I can't forgive myself? I've moved on to try to become a better person and improve myself, but I still can't go through the last step to forgive myself.
I'm not sure if I'm afraid of what may happen if I do or if it is the guilt that is telling me to hold on, but I just can't do it. What is the next step after forgiving myself? For some reason, I feel that I still have much more atonement to commit to.