I Have Gratitude To GodI only recently came to believe God exists. I did when I was a child, but began to doubt at age 12. I was always a believer in "something else we can't explain" though until around age 37 or 38 when I turned entirely atheist and sceptical of anything paranormal or spiritual as well.
My path in my beliefs is related to my path in dealing with my dissociated (and hence forgotten) childhood abuse. I somehow realised before I became atheist that I must have been sexually abused as I had too many indications of it in my behaviour. I thought it may be that it was when I was younger than three, so too young to remember.
I had visited a therapist for some time, and had made some headway into recognising my mother's harmful influence in my life and working on stopping her from having power over me. However I never got to telling my therapist my darker fantasies and "masochistic" thoughts that spontaneously jumped into my head when on the verge of sleep.
A bad time was ahead of me after I stopped seeing my therapist when my progress had stalled. Depression ensued, then atheism, a severe case of maladaptive daydreaming or fantasy addiction, isolating myself from my family, followed by a brief time of promiscuous sexual behaviours, then obsession with a psychopathic wolf. My marriage almost ended, I almost fled to be on my own several times but couldn't do it to my family.
During this time I realised how much ill will my mother bore to me to try and take advantage of my time of crisis and talk to my husband behind my back and advise him to leave me. At this point I decided to cut her out of my life, and my husband and kids were supportive of this. I went to a new psychologist who specialised in sex therapy, my husband had a breakdown and was also seeing his own psychologist, and together we went to a couples therapist.
Gradually we pulled our relationship back together. I didn't realise but my angels were helping to guide me on the right path both to triggering waking up my abusive past, but also to healing the damage in my present. I had cut off the contacts with the wolf and another man I saw regularly, perhaps only just in time for my husband's mental state was deteriorating. I also realised through my mother's similarity to my abusing wolf, that she had a personality disorder, and my brother and I diagnosed her with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
It was around then I decided to start to talk to my own unconscious mind. I felt certain I had repressed memories of sexual abuse to recover. I was atheist at this stage but knew from past experience that I could use a ouija board on my own - not a standard kind but a more positive spiritual board I owned, I had been quite spiritualist years earlier. I believed when I "talked" to this board I must be talking to my own subconscious mind.
Only very soon after beginning this process I became certain it was not myself I was talking to. The language, personality, and wisdom was too much that of people much older and wiser than me. Also I was given evidence with being told things I couldn't have known myself. Things that would convince anyone if it happened to them personally, but no-one else would believe if you told them.
At this stage I had to be convinced repeatedly to trust these "beings" I was talking to, even though they were telling me things about my past they later told me were not true. They told me the feelings in them were true, not the facts. Every time my trust was broken it was regained, becoming stronger and stronger.
The trust was broken by being given the most unbearable feelings: anguish, broken trust, crestfallen feelings, heartbroken feelings, even falling in love with them then feeling they were about to abandon me (though they never did). But the trust was regained by realising each time what these feelings were teaching me about the nature of my past abuse.
Also trust was regained by realising that every hint they gave me to regard the feelings of my husband was correct. That when they instigated a discussion between us, it always ended up solving a problem, or opening understanding between us. They helped push me to regain faith in my own love for my husband, and to uncover the existence of some blocked sexual feelings with him.
They gradually guided me into understanding my presently estranged mother was the person I was abused by, and worse to accept that it was not just physical and emotional abuse, but sexual. And even harder to accept, that it was given in cruelty and ill will.
At some point they began to introduce me to their own nature. They were angels, and I recognised them from incidents throughout my entire life. Yes I had talked to them earlier when using a ouija at various times; they were there when I "channeled" my sexually abused friend's deceased Mother so that she was able to have resolution of her Mother finally knowing all her abuse and being sorry she hadn't known while she was alive; they were there also when I had a dream which pre-warned me of a frightening accident (resulting in concussion) in the bathroom with my young son, and warned me not to put the responsibility on my older daughter who was there when it happened and giving her huge guilt and worry. There were so many occasions I could clearly see my angels had been there throughout my life guiding me.
I worked with a devout Orthodox woman and we began discussing religion together. Although I still didn't believe in what she did, I wanted to put my beliefs into perspective with religion. I even went along to the church she went to and felt welcomed and accepted there, though the Christian dogma made me uncomfortable. Then my angels decided it was time to lay it on the line. They told me that Almighty God was a reality. They began to teach me how God is in me, in my angels.
Since then they have taught me how when I was in my dissociated state and getting heavy abuse from my not-mother (my preferred term for her), that the girl in me who was getting hurt went into the body of the angel to recieve salvation. The salvation she got was salvation from choosing to identify with her hurter. The girl was at risk of feeling that she didn't want to be the girl getting hurt, she would rather be the person giving the hurts. Then she would get hardened anger feelings, and could become immune to God, and in time become another abuser.
In recieving salvation, she was taken by the angel to give her feelings to God, and recieve God's good feelings. In taking her hard/cruel hurter's feelings to God, she was seared within her soul with God's good light, and she was able to see how it was better to be hurt and have God's good feelings than to be the hurter. She was then able to bear her hurts (albeit in dissociated state) without identifying with her hurter and becoming "her".
This has been confusing for me to learn and understand and I still have quite some way to go. I have now been given my dissociated girls body feelings except for the ones that are too bad to be given. But next I have to accept that the girls in me ARE me, and to become willing to be them and get their trauma memories as my own memories. God will need to be helping me and holding my hand through this.
I trust God and am grateful for my salvation, grateful to have my kids not be hurt by me (except for my depression, insularity and wrong anger they did suffer those hurts, but not cruelty or deliberate abuse). I have believed in God now for over a year, and I'm alone in my family in that, but they accept me so long as I don't try to force my beliefs on them.
Handed 41-45, F 1 Response 1 Aug 19, 2012