Welcome To My Wonderland

I feel like that character Alice. Traveling a bizarre world, moving forward but going nowhere. Nothing seems real to me ;everything out here is insane but I'm the crazy one here. My mother is like the red queen, my life like celebrating another happy unbirthday and pretending to get exited or have an emotional reaction to what means nothing to me. I look in the mirror and I don't see myself.
All I do is live in my mind.  
Seeing how deep the rabbit hole goes. 

I haven't felt right in two years. It wasn't until last week I was finally given a name for my awkward madness. Depersonalization. 
But I don't think that's just it. 

I’ve been doing some research and I’m starting to think I might be a remote schizoid or perhaps someone with strong schizoid/avoident tendencies. I don't feel like a robot like they often put it.I feel quite alive in my imagination. But people often read me as cold. I don't feel I am, I try my best to give good advice if someone asks, I'm not like one of those people who go around making comments about what others are wearing or differentiate others. As of my theory I’m still not sure, you see my mother was a narcissist/borderline and when I wasn’t trying to please her and keep her happy for my own survival, I was locked up in my room alone. My mom would always force me into friendships with people. I felt I had to be with people to be normal for my families sake. Perhaps I don’t like being with people because I’m too weary of trying to please them. Even now still when I think of cleaning up my room, or eating, or doing homework or going to college -I’m thinking of how I have to do it because of my mom. Should I not want to do it for my own accord? But I can’t I’m still trapped. I wait for the day when I can support myself and never have to contact her. When I move far away and finally live apart from the world she forces me into for her reputation. Social interaction is nothing but work. And with these mundane people I am still lonely. I don't want to be bothered with friendships, and I don't want sex. When I’m with others I almost go into automatic and when I’m finally rid of them I can breathe again. For now I am still a slave in my mind. But this first year of college, I have felt it, the slow chipping away of her control. I am no longer her servant or punching bag. I will be free. And I don’t have to get initiated into the social world outside of work necessity unless I chose to. 

Or maybe I'm not. People say they hate labels. But if I knew what was wrong with me be it schizoid or whatever I'd finally have my conformation. I could just be the ordinary kind of ****** up. Who really knows. 

lovelybeing lovelybeing
18-21, F
1 Response Apr 20, 2011

Sorry, somehow I think this story ended up in the wrong section...