Post

Being Forgiving Does Not Mean Be A Doormat

I think Forgiving someone does not automatically exclude you from saying No, I am done. Saying no and saying you are forgiven can go hand in hand. It simply says, yes i will forgive you, but i will not allow you to hurt me again.

I think that forgiving someone, and allowing them a second chance is fine, but when it is now a second, third and more chances, then they have abused my good will. Being taken advantage of, time and again, and forgiving them again and again, does make you a pretty well used door mat. And so that cycle needs to be put to an end.
neuilly neuilly 61-65, F 10 Responses Dec 3, 2012

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I'm not a victim, I'm a volunteer, if I stay in harms way. Once i duck , then i can forgive You for swinging at me. Doesn't mean I'm going to turn my back on you. Trust takes a lot more time then forgiveness.

Exactly...You have got it right.

Wow, I read through all the posts and a lot of great things were said. There is one thing I would like to add from my experience. I have found that in order for me to feel forgiven, I have to forgive others. I fully learn this by accident. In my heart I fully for gave wrongs done to me in childhood. Once i done this wholeheartedly I felt a release that was wonderful. Then i noticed that the remorse
gilt or ick feeling i had because of my own bad behavior started to vanish. Some amends were made before this but i couldn't let go.

I would agree. But I also think speaking up when harmed, is also important. It takes practice, to do this, because sometimes just saying something in a way that lets people know your not comfortable with what is happening, and your aware that there is something out of what is normally done is happening. It may even be expressed as a question. it doesn't mean you have to rant or rave...just a way to get information across.
I also agree that forgiving is important, I think it does help a person move forward. But the harm has to have ceased before you forgive. There are people that are in the habit of taking advantage of a person routinely, and when that happens, the only way to have that cease, is not have that individual in your life. And so, in that instance, forgiveness needs to be considered after you have moved on and out of harms way.

Preach! Forgivness is a necessary thing... but people use it to jusitfy weak behavior. Forgive to free your mind walk away because you value yourself.

Yes, because until you do forgive, it really is going to be bubbling up every time you run into this person, or think of them.

I absolutely agree. A lot of people think that to forgive someone, you need to wipe your slate completely clean, as if nothing bad had ever happened. But that's not forgiveness; that's refusing to learn. Forgiveness is simply letting go of your anger and resentment toward someone.

Forgiveness is extremely important, but the decision to give someone a second chance is extremely personal. You don't owe it to someone a favor just because you don't resent them.

I needed to hear this right now. Thank you for posting it.

So true. I think people misunderstand this. There is a word, "reconciliation" that is not the same as forgiving.

Forgiving is letting go of your sense of wanting personally to exact revenge. It doesn't mean pretending.

Some times it precedes a renewed relationship. Some times, it precedes people going separate way in peace. If someone had shown no attempt to make amends, letting them continue to act badly, is not loving.

Of course, each situation is different. Praying about it helps to gain wisdom about each relationship.

Everyone needs forgiveness. We all makes mistakes. True forgiveness is about being honest. Good post. Helpful reminder.

God wants us to forgive and allow Him to work inside the other person. He knows that bitterness, resentments and unforgiving attitudes hurt us.

well said. thank you so much. and also, after so many times it starts to become more like co-dependency.

Very good point to make Neui. Forgiveness is more for your own sake I think. As you rightly point out, it is not a licence for the other person to go on hurting you.

When you forgive, you allow yourself to recognise the humanity of the other person, DESPITE the hurt they have inflicted. And that is healing for YOU. They may not know or care that they are forgiven, but your heart is now free to go on living a healthy emotional life.

But you are right when you say "i will not allow you to hurt me again." Forgiveness does not entitle anyone to go on repeating their damaging behaviour. And it certainly should not be you yourself allowing that damaging behaviour to continue. Very well said, Neui.

Thank you. I just think writing all this stuff down, helps keep my head straight. We tend to accumulate a lot of bad habits in life, and so because I am now starting over, there is a lot of resorting,re-thinking that I need to do.I need to re- think about what is appropriate behavior, good behavior,expected behavior, harmful behavior, because, for the moment, all of that is jumbled.

great post

Thank you

Maybe we should join Doormats Anonymous? ;-)

yes... that's probabaly not a bad idea.