Maybe I'm Not Ready To Let God Into My Life...

I think my life was easier before I tried to become friends with God. Because ever since I started to lean on him, pray, and try to be good...things just...seemed to get worse.
There is no peace, you know. Every day is a new, great challenge. A test. Every day I try - I try not to worry, I try to have faith, but there are times when I NEED and HAVE to worry. If I don't worry, people and including myself will start to question if I care at all.
People who don't worry simply don't care. Right or wrong?
And I can't just let go of everything and let God take control of my life. It's not that simple.
Yesterday was horrible,  but not the worst day of my life. My favorite soccer team, Manchester United, lost the league. I was very upset and sad and disappointed. And mostly because I had anticipated that my team was going to win. I had prayed, you know. I didn't "worry", and all that stuff.
I was angry with God. I blamed him. I couldn't help but think: "Well, thanks God. Pray, they said. Have faith, they said. Yeah, because that really worked. Thanks a lot."

I was in such a bad mood that I refused to talk with anyone. I locked myself up in my room the rest of the day and ignored everyone. Even God. 
Today, I woke up and realized how stupid and juvenile I had been. I felt very embarrassed and guilty and remorseful.
I guess God already knew how things would turn out, and now I wonder if he ever gets sick and tired of me. Of my behavior.
Are there days when he just thinks: "Why am I even bothering? This girl will never learn..."
My life was easier than it is today. But I'm not sure if I want my old life back.
I don't know, but I do know that I fail too much. And when I fail, I'd rather ignore God, because I would be too ashamed and disappointed with myself.
I wish I had more faith, maybe then I wouldn't feel this way - like one giant failure.
I hate that I'm so weak, and that I always have to cry when I'm angry or sad. It's just so stupid to be so sensitive and negative.
Maybe I'm just mentally ill. One second I'm all smiles and laughter, but when something bad me, it's like the end of the world.
There's dealing with suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self-harming, depression and feeling as if you're in the deepest and darkest pit of hell and there's no way out.
I'm just so...f***ing tired of being forced to go through that every time something doesn't go the way I expect it to and I slip.
And I'm afraid that one day, these thoughts won't be just thoughts anymore. They will become a reality.
I strongly fear that day.
But most of all...I'm afraid that God will think that I deserve what's coming for me.
How can I expect God to forgive me when I can't even forgive myself? It doesn't seem logical, stated the mentally ill girl.
Oh please, may tomorrow be a better day and I promise I won't complain a word!

Bittersweet90 Bittersweet90
26-30, F
1 Response May 14, 2012

I will be honest that I want to make friends, but I do not want to make friends that bash what I believe in. I am into read God's word. My favorite time a day is spending time with God. I love going to church. My dad was a Mennonite like higher level of Amish, so he taught us how to read the bible, how to pray,go church, live out our faith in God and follow the Holy Bible too. I praying for God to reach the lost and God is love. Satan is blinding the lost from God's truth, so I pray for the lost too. God bless you. Talk to you later.