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Sincerly Me.

This is the one story I decided to take with me from my previous account. it is my favorite story because it was the hardest to write, and I am reposting it again.

Posted July 19th, 2011 at 12:33AM
Before you read my letter- in advance i am not a perfect : Christian, family member or friend. i am an incredibly messed up and damaged person who tries to gain people's approval when i should be looking for God's instead. "In this life you have no family or friends, you only have God" my Grandpa said that and i'm beginning to question it. he might just be right...

Dear God,
If you can even hear me i'd like to end my life to die. If you can even hear me i'll begin to tell you why. If you can even hear me where were you yesterday night? If you can even hear me it was another stupid fight. If you can even hear me i needed someone to talk to so i looked in my phone. If you can even hear me i bother everyone so i just left them all alone. If you can even hear me he screamed in my face. If you can even hear me i never have felt safe. If you can even hear me then how come he picks on me. If you can even hear me my family hates me see. If you can even hear me i wana walk in front of moving cars. If you can even hear me i cover my arms and legs to hide the scars. If you can even hear me i want to hurt myself today. If you can even hear me why do i treat myself this way. If you can even hear me know my mom is dead. If you can even hear me i cry at nite for her in bed. If you can even hear me know my father has died. If you can even hear me it feels like a heavy wait inside. If you can even hear me i'm scared, lost, and confused. If you can even hear me i'm tired of being used. If you can even hear me i wana drink and get high. If you can even hear me i don't care if i live or die. If you can even hear me i just wana change my ugly body but how. If you can even hear me i'm damaging it now. If you can even hear me i keep losing weight. If you can even hear me i'm the ugly one with no date. If you can even hear me i was the class geek. If you can even hear me i've been upgraded to class freak. If you can even hear me i'm afraid to make a friend. If you can even hear me it's cuz they leave me in the end. If you can even hear me i'm tired of people hurting me. If you can even hear me I just want to be set FREE. If you can even hear me i want to make the pain in me subside. If you can even hear me that's why i wana end my life to die.
Sincerely,
Susan’s Child
P.S.
If you do hear me it's a feeling of hopelessness and if your still listening, Lord please forgive me for all this.
EchoesInTwistedMeadows EchoesInTwistedMeadows 22-25 5 Responses Sep 8, 2011

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I thought you were a guy :) LOL

I would say you're ready to find God. It sounds like you've reached rock bottom. It's a good place to be because you can only go up from there. God is definitely there and can definitely hear you. He is loving and detached, which means He doesn't go out of His way to get involved because you have to learn the lessons yourself. But He's there, and just like in the footprint poem He's carrying you when the times are really the toughest. He is absolutely real. He's a being without a body. He is over and above religion so no religion has rights over Him, although each one thinks that they do. They don't. When you are desperate, like you were when you wrote this writing, you cry out to God.........but tell me, when you are happy do you converse with Him too? If you want to be friends with Him you've got to talk to Him often and not just when you are desperate. He is the sweetest soul in the world. He's funny. He loves each one of us very very much. He loves you. He doesn't have a body so He can just as easily be your Mother as well as your Father. He has the qualities of all relationships. Stop playing the victim role and stop projecting all your fear and negativity onto the world and everyone else. It's all karma and it's come back to you. Accept that it's come for a very good reason and that you have something to learn from it and face it with courage. Take all the love, peace and virtues from God, fill yourself from the Ocean of Love and only when you feel completely full, give to others.

Look up the Brahma Kumaris or Raja yoga meditation on Google and play some of their meditations and follow along with your thoughts. Everything starts with the thoughts in your mind. And don't be disheartened. Once you've hit rock bottom there is no where else to go but up. Set yourself free.

Love and peace,
Baba's child

The more you speak what you believe (not necessarily what you have seen -- "blessed is He who has believed, and yet has not seen"), the more it will manifest and come into fruition. The more you counter those negative, condemning thoughts/feelings (whether it is from yourself, or others) with the truth -- God's word -- and positivity, the more you feel God's presence, love, wisdom, etc.<br />
The more you realize He has already forgiven you for all your transgressions, the more you will feel His love. See, God does not want us to be alone. We are meant to want fellowship with others. However, the more you feed your spirit with Him, the more you will be fulfilled. Those aching voids, deep within, will be fulfilled; the voids that need to be filled from others, such as friends or your true love, (still rooted in God) are less vital, but still desired (and He will bring those individuals who will match your desires). <br />
When He sends His grace (in all forms) upon you, you will receive REAL friends that "need" you, just as you "need" them. Without putting Him in your center, most friends will only be temporary and short-lived. You DO have family or friends (or, if you have not) will receive them, at the right time, if you put your trust and faith in Him. <br />
We do have God, but with God, comes true family and friends. Jesus had twelve in his fellowship; certainly, God wants us to have companions. <br />
I'm glad you appreciate it and I trust that these words will speak to your heart. Whenever you are lost or deprived, I encourage you to turn to sc<x>ripture... that's the most accessible way to hear Him. May the Lord bless and guide you! His love is unfailing!

wow that was encouraging :) thank you, i suppose i just have to get my life in order. i am trying but i know i can do better. Thank you very much for your comment =)

This is exactly how I feel everyday. Weird but not today. I promised myself I wouldn't hurt myself anymore. to show everyone I can be better than themselves. To be proud of who I am & love myself. Who cares if I'm a geek, & spend my lunch time in the library. I do get made fun of but atleast I'll know I'll have a job for sure. Someday there will be a person in my life who would want to share it with me. So all I want to tell you is that you're not alone. If you ever want to talk things out with someone I'll send you my number. I know I'm just a stranger but I understand how it feels to feel alone. I know how it feels thinking that someone will text you but no one ever does texts you. You just lay their feeling broken &empty. Don't worry... I'll message you

i'm sorry you feel that way :( *hugs u*. that's very good and a wonderful thing to promise. i'm really happy to hear that =). aw i used to do the same thing hun T-T but remember geeks are awesome XD !! most definatly you are a very sweet girl no doubt :).. yeah, never a good feeling to want companionship and not recieve it :(... ok pm me if you like :)

I'm praying for you. If we realize the salvation and redemption we receive through admitting/genuinely apologizing, our transgressions are not only forgiven, but FORGOTTEN. If He can forgive you, being one of no blame or sin, then why should we not forgive ourselves? We are not condemned. Condemnation, especially from ourselves, is the main factor of stress and fear. No wonder so many of us are hurting. Our sins and sicknesses were already payed for. We just need to realize that.<br />
<br />
I may not have all the necessary words and answers, but I saw that no one offered a comment of support. And I felt a strong influence to share what I know; the prior knowledge has helped and is continuing to help me. I am no where near perfect, and fall short in the world's standards all the time. I don't always listen to Him. I try to do things via my own devices all the time. But in the end, it is I who allows all the pain to happen, by not listening and not allowing him to give me everything I need. I try and rely on people. But people are full of flaws, myself included. All in all, it comes down to a personal choice.<br />
<br />
He hears everything you say. And He has been with you all the time. Seek him; I have no doubt, in my mind, that he tries to reach you all the time.<br />
<br />
My best friend told me to check out this teacher of Truth -- his name is Joseph Prince. His "preachings" have helped me understand better. They may help you, too.<br />
<br />
If you need someone to talk to you, you are welcome to PM me anytime.

yeah that's true, i just have a hard time forgiving myself... well this is a story i wrote on my old account and i lost all my previous comments but i am happy u commented :)... yeah, relying on people will get us nowhere. i know that one *frowns*... oh okay that sounds interesting and thank you i appreciate that, thanks for commenting :)