I Often Drift In And Out Of My Beliefs

When I was a kid I always had a hard life and only thought of God as...God, not really all powerful and loving. I got mad at him when something bad happened and I was an odd kid, I wasn't a bully, I was bullied but I was also kind of mean (possibly cause of how people were always mean to me) and so I know I was being punished for those sins.

Then last year I had an experience and strongly believed in God but now that I've learned more about God and the Bible I always question my beliefs.

For eg, when I pray I don't recite actual prayers I just 'talk' and I feel like God isn't listening, like I'm talking to myself, but then I had another experience where I truely said I was sorry for my sins and asked him to help me become a better Christian and I know in my heart that he spoke to me that night.

But I still always question him, like why do bad things happen? why dosn't he talk to me as much as others say he does them? Why won't he answer my prayers?

It has me wondering all the time, questioning what I believe, I believe in God, truely I do, but sometimes I wonder if I should actually love him or not. I"m hoping I'll figure this out before it too late..