Happiness and understanding.
Enlightenment is the toleration of the inconceivability of reality. I like that quote a lot it seems to understand where I am and my lack of toleration of how I conceive reality to be. Any conception of reality that I have is flawed. I may feel with intensity like a detective with a six sense, that I have fallen across a vital clue, an insight, a revelation but I am deluded. But all thought is deluded beyond the breath that we take and the experience that we are having that is the only thing that surely cannot be delusional.
However and I return to it time and time again I want to write, I want to write, I want to write about my concept of reality. What is wrong with that as long as I realize the very depth of my own self -delusion and do not slip into the trap of believing that I have something useful to say? However there is more excuses to be made, more justification to be given because I want to be a writer to make a living from the muses of my mind that is my real dream can there be any honesty in that? I suppose that is it. Perhaps for me that is it. Perhaps the very fact that all I have to say and stress is that I am a fiction writer and all that I believe to be true I know to be fiction then that is the closest I can get to an honest life. One thing I know that I find some form of release in the tapping of these keys.
There is still one issue which is how can it be right to expect others to listen to your fictional view of reality when they will only like it if they have some kind of connect and belief that your fictional view holds some hidden truth and therefore you are propagate the lie. My belief is what it is for me if I sit and write what I believe then I am experiencing believing and nothing and nobody can deny the truth of that experience. If I express it then as I express it there is no doubting the truth of the fact that I am experiencing what it is like to express that belief but the truth falls down if those listening take it as anything more than that. The audience are experiencing me expressing something, expunging something. How can we give this balance? I feel that to give this balance we must ask the audience to do the same. To promote expression of ones spirituality, ones emotions, ones thoughts, one’s movement, one’s form, ones relationships, one’s inner pain and sorrow, one’s Godliness. Is there anybody on the planet that I would not like to give that opportunity?
I feel that if there is something that I am fundamentally about it is the promotion of the expression of all conscious entities.
Mine is so often dark. So dark that the light seems to bounce back. Should I express it does it help or should I take the darkness into a darker place and bury it there covering it up. If I do not express it then it will still be in me that I feel but if I express it is it in others. I think the point is that your darkness is not the same in others they cannot experience it. So it really is not the same. I hope.
My darkness is in my stomach my central Ki energy is saddened, sullen, and without positivity. It is like a black hole that sucks in all around it and nothing can escape. I wish for climate change, I wish for Armageddon, I wish for the end to all nice things as they do not sit with my centre. My stomach is full of envy and judgement. It is full of death and endings. It is full of destruction and inevitability. It is uncaring and callous in thought and it is apathetic. Completely apathetic. Is it good to write this down? Yes I believe it is. I feel it is a start. I must continue to write it is a release, a pressure release.
Knowing when to write and when not to write, to create a vision that is positive, creative, purposeful, visionary, life giving, I want to start. I want to believe that somewhere in the depth of honesty I will find love, somewhere under some bush in some frightened little corner I will find love and slowly tease it out, brush its hair and make it stand tall.
dalston dalston
51-55, M
Aug 18, 2014