Laughing To Crying

    I wont bore any of you with unnecessary details, but I believe a past reference is required to fully grasp my state of mind. We met Freshman year of high school, I had always been an outcast by nature; not a geek ,but too smart to fit in with the "cool kids". No clique seemed to fit with me, I wasn't unwelcome to hang with various groups I just didn't feel like I belonged. Since I was new to the area of my high school not only was I an outcast by personality but I didn't know a soul either. Then I met Becca. I consider myself an observant person, when I first consider becoming close to someone I do just that.

      Lets just say she was different. In P.E/AP biology which basically was a way to get two credits in one, every other school day we had p.e. or biology with the same teacher for two hours. I noticed a girl, blond about my height, who unlike the others didn't crowd in a circle or giggle like a moron about the boys like the other girls did. She was totally content hanging out by herself before, during, and after class. She seemed totally independent of the rest of the population. Being a shy person by nature I casually walked up to her during gym one day and asked timidly if she'd mind if I could join her playing basketball. "You play?" She asked excitedly, I replied I was on a club team a couple years ago. "Alright." she said," let's see what yeah got." After tossing me another ball we then shot baskets for the rest of the period; all of hers being perfect dunks and lay ups. Mine hardly ever went in the basket, or near it for that matter.  " You suck ."she laughed. Though unlike the other times I've been ridiculed I knew she was being friendly, she helped me with my stance and within a week I was "ok" . I personally didn't care if I ever got better at playing, but from this week we then became friends.

      Sitting with her group at lunch, hanging out at her house after school, you name it. I put emphasis on her because she was in control of everything, I mean that literally. She had no other girls for immediate friends in the group, just guys, all jocks at that but she had them all on a string. Not romantically, just dominance. They made a wise crack, she made one back and put them in their place. More often than not violently, her hands were large enough to palm a basketball and could leave welts with little effort. I consider myself a tomboy but no where near her level. She was highly intelligent, straight A's but wasn't a nerd by any means. The guys didn't accept me at first because like most others they knew I was different. She had my back though, and after a while they came to realize I was "ok" even though I didn't wrestle in the mud after a pigskin, or play video games.

      For three years I had it made, my lifelong adolescent angst of being a loner was wearing away. That's right ms. outcast found her niche. I could be a part of something, and these people would be friends my whole life. We had our lives planned out you see. Yeah, now I know what teachers meant by we only "thinking" we knew it all. We'd go to the same college, move out to an apartment together, all that jazz. Then events took place that changed my life forever and I moved across the country to...*gasp* the south. Becca and I kept in contact through IM, and text of course and I was home schooled online which was fine by me, I had been the new kid too many times before anyway. After 6 months I returned and I'd be staying at her house for a whole month, catching up, and partying by what she told me on the phone.

     She picked me up from the airport and the first thing they all asked after the hey, it's been so long BS was if I was ready to "roll". Yes? I replied very unsure but assumed they were just planning some outrageous parties for winter break, nothing more. Becca had always been a fan of techno and pop the music coming from the ipod hook up was rap, not typical either, it was ICP. The car that once smelt of Febreeze (o.c.d. was Becca's middle name) now had a pungent aroma of what they said was 'Alaskan Thunderfuck'. That's right nod your head and laugh with them like you know what they're talking about. When we arrived to the house her younger sister Julie was waiting for us, which was odd because when I had left 6 months ago she was a stain on her families life whom Becca disowned for being mentally unstable and hardcore drug addict by 12 and now was 14. "The rents are out", Julie said lighting a joint in her mouth," come on in and lets get you ready to roll." What is this...roll? I whispered to Becca. "OMG!"   What...?   "I thought you said you were down to roll with us?!"    I-i thought you meant party.... I looked at the ground a tad embarrassed but thankful everyone else was already inside. She rolled her eyes and shook her head chuckling to herself. "No it means ecstasy, taking it."   Oh..... Clearing my throat I said well what's it like? "Only the best thing on earth since acid."    You do acid, and since when do you smoke ?    "Oh you saw the Camel butts in the car huh? Yeah, I know smoking is bad and all but I never got into it until I had E. Let's get inside before they start without us."

    I took a moment to recap, ok....Becca does drugs. Big deal, lots of good people do drugs I mean it doesn't change them except for cleanliness, and smell anyway. That and her eyes seemed a bit glossed over at all times, her brilliant blue eyes were dull and lifeless, her hair unkept and in a messy pony tail. When I walked through the door I saw a bunch of report cards in the trash. So... Not studying lately either I take it. Becca was just as competitive in articulate studies as she was in athletic, if it had been even a B on one of her classes she'd throw it away for not being in her standards. These piled up were all C-'s, another word in our school district was barely passing for credits to graduate. The next few days were usual, hung with the group, covered for them when her parents got home and they were out getting more supply or some other activity I wasn't interested in participating. I never really knew peer pressure until I had come that December either, I couldn't tell you how many times I was called a *****, rude, lame, for not trying something they offered.

      Lets skip to the interesting part. The part that makes this experience in the karma section. On New Years Day itself, a guy in our group named Tyler's parents were out of town on business. So Becca sent the oldest, also her b/f to get as much alcohol and drugs as $1500 of what was left of their college fund would purchase. I went with them, deciding to leave my purse at the house. I had recently gotten my last paycheck from my rinky dink job back in the South but I used it to pay bills and rent, cash of course being it was under the table. Since Julie surprisingly wasn't tagging along because her b/f was coming over I messed things around in my purse. What I like to call organizable kind of messy. Putting my wallet at the bottom and everything else on top I left it behind the sofa. I didn't care if she and Becca were kindred spirits now, she was no friend of mind and I didn't trust her.

     After a few hours of doing what I do best, 'watch',watch them play beer pong, watch them get wasted, do E, shrooms, pot. I decided to head back, I would have more fun playing with her dogs than watching them have fun and I figured no one would miss me or even notice I'd gone. I went back to the house, no one home. No surprise, little tramp was probably out screwing her b/f who lived down the street and didn't want to risk having anyone come back and watch them. Like anyone would want to, I scoffed to myself. A detail caught my eye, my purse was on the sofa, not behind it. I ran through it and 500 was missing from my amount. Since I was familiar with all the hiding spots in Julie's room , Becca and I had ransacked them before to **** her off I went to her most typical, a hole in the wall covered by an LED poster of a pot leaf, sure enough crisp 100's but only 3. I immediately called Becca and told her what happened she calmly said to come back to Tyler's and she'd work it out. At first it was going well, seemed she'd be on my side and was outraged by all the things I'd told her.

     She then had texts with Julie I couldn't see and said in an almost snarky tone " How do you know how much money was missing? You told us you had no money so you couldn't help with sacks and other necessities. ?"    I said that because I don't use any, so why should I pay for your ******* addictions?! Bad move, no one said anything half that ballsy to her, never. I was never a coward we had about the same temperament, I think I submitted to her out of respect before but now I had none for her. A second later I was backed up against the solid stone 8 ft wall, we were in the suburbs and unluckily for me Tyler had about the richest parents so there was no fence hopping to be had, even so I'd never outrun her. "For lying to us I'd say even if my sister did steal which I'm not saying she did you lied to the group and as such the money in your hand is ours, you owe it to us I have witnesses saying you had no money and now you say you lost 500." I'm done with this and all of you, I'm leaving. They blocked my exit surrounding me. I heard shouts, "we should have our homies beat her up, crack her head against the wall." , " tell her who's boss Becca." and other threats that sounded like the ICP trash they listened to. "Sarah, she leaned forward and whispered in my ear. "give me the money or you'll never make it out of here. You're starting to **** me off...You know how much I dislike being pissed off." Patting my face twice, forcing me to look at her I did the only thing I could logically do, I handed it to her, tears beading up in my eyes. Can I go now? I demanded through gritted teeth. She stepped aside and I ran till I got two blocks away.

      I would never admit it, they had scared me, badly. My friends had turned into a bunch of druggy Juggalos, not just fans of the music but literally doing what the lyrics described. Here's where karma comes to play I called a friend of mine, an adult who had no association with them and asked him to pick me up. Told him everything that happened and I then decided by all the threats telling me to keep quiet or "else" on my phone I;d had enough. I knew they realized that what they've done could have repercussions. Like the fact I was still in good relation to all their parents, that with my bruises and proof of their drugged state would be enough for anyone, especially police. I made a bad choice not to call the police, but since they had not helped me in the past with abuse I knew they would do little to nothing now, especially with other minors involved. I would have dropped it but I wanted to make an impact, wanted to make them all regret what they'd nearly and had done to me.

     I told Becca's Mom and Dad, which was enough for me because all the parents were friends so no need ti make more than one house stop when I just needed my things back to leave the house. Within the hour I got enraged texts, saying the clown demons were coming to get me and if I went back to GA then karma would get me because I'm a f'd up person, and f'd up people get what they deserve f this f that. Their vocabulary went with the drugs too I guess,she couldn't go more than a couple words without saying it. I told her we'd see what happened in the coming days and who karma would really go after..... four hours later her sister Julie ODed on ecstasy and died. Which "logically" is my fault, they blame me for it... Do acid and I guess that makes sense.

     To recap, I returned to GA the next week but stayed with the friend who had saved me until my round trip ticket date. Becca and her well muscled thugs preceded to beat up others close to me who weren't in their group. One against all seven of them of course shouting "in the name of Julie" and "you can thank Sarah for the pain you're in" while beating them to a pulp. Many victims did exactly what Becca wanted them to do, drop all connection or even despise me as much as she did too.

     Yes, I believe in karma and more so I believe that we can either let bad things define the rest of our lives or grow as a person from it.  I was her right hand person though it never occurred to them she'd turn on anyone else, but she has. Drug addicts have no loyalty, she's sold out two friends to escape charges (now that she's 19 she can't escape being treated as an adult by law) and still others follow like sheep. I can't judge, I did the same thing. Though back then we were a pack, now the remnants of bonds of friendship is a gang.

Becca the year we met '07:

Becca the month when I visited her Dec. '10

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1 Response Jan 24, 2012

Wow, Becca did a complete 180. Sad to see someone change so much and fall so far. Especially if you were close, like you two were...