How Do I Not Feel Bad About My Situation

I'm new to this, just joined. But I do need to talk to someone anonymously and you will have to do.

I'm a 41 year old single mother of a 19 year old son.  I have never been married and never been in a relationship for very long.  It seems all the guys are interested in is having sex and moving on to other girls whom they have a long relationship with or get married to. But not to me.  I haven't been in a relationship since 2005 - no boyfriend no companionship. I got tired of being somebody’s playmate while they filled their time.   I feel like nobody looks at me, nobody sees me.  When I look at other women, I always look at their ring finger to see if they are married.  If they are married I think – Why not me?  What is that they have that I don’t have?  When I see women walking with their boyfriends/husbands – I want that and I am constantly thinking Why not me?  When will it be my turn?  Sometimes I think my love life would have been better if I did not have a child.  Men (and I am talking from experience) don’t give women with children a chance.  Especially in my society.  I am a black African woman.  There seems to be a stigma attached to being a single mother – men don’t want to look after another man’s child.

I’m not ugly – in fact I am quite pretty and I am only beginning to see that now.  In the past I have hated my looks because I thought I was ugly and that is why nobody was interested in me.  I don’t look 41 and everyone thinks I am between 25 – 30.  I am constantly being mistaken for my son’s sister.  I am not zero sized, I am between a 36 - 38 (American 12 & 14), but I am not huge.  I have been told I have a great figure.

However, why can’t a find a man?  I have got to the point where I tell myself and others that it’s alright if I don’t get married.  If it happens – that’s great.  If it doesn’t that’s also alright.  But its not true.  I only say that so they don’t start feeling sorry for me – 41, unmarried, no boyfriend and no prospects of.  I say that to myself too, so I don’t feel so bad about myself as the months and years go by and nothing happens in my love life. 

I’m been feeling down these past couple of days. There’s a guy I like and I have been trying so hard to get him to notice me.  Nothing over the top of course, just dressing beautifully, looking extra pretty.  I am sure he has noticed but he has made no move to talk to me (serious talks – not just good morning, how are you), spend time with me and that has made me feel so low.  What’s wrong with me?  I’m thinking - Am I one of those people destined to die alone, never been loved.  That’s definitely not what I want.  Yes, I want to get married!  I’ve been so low; I’ve spent the last few days unhappy, with the tears very close by.  I can’t seem to get out of this funk and it gets worse when I see happy couples, when I see people holding hands, when I see a guy’s arms around his girlfriend/wife.  I want that.

I’m still hoping, I believe in love, I believe in being in love.  I want that person to talk to, to sms, to miss, to say I Love You to, to be a girlfriend then wife to.  I want to go on holiday with them, go shopping with them, sit in the movies, go to dinner, cuddle up in bed on a rainy day, make love to.  I am a serious romantic and want someone just to adore me and love me. 

I believe in love, it just seems like love doesn’t believe in me and has given up on me.  Love has left me lonely.  Every night I have just me and the walls to talk to.  But I am not going to stop hoping.

Territc Territc
41-45, F
1 Response Mar 12, 2010

It sounds like from your story that you are a very kind, smart, and attractive woman and anybody would be lucky to have you. Therefore i think you need to believe that there is nothing inherently wrong with who you are. Love is one part timing and the other part luck. And fate. I have learnt that when you open yourself to be grateful for what you already have in your life, so much more comes to fill it. I am so so so happy that you have found this space because i think it will allow you to share your pain and struggles and joys with others and realize that you are not alone. I already see so much in your son that you have to be grateful for. Any man who won't want you with your son shouldn't be deserving of your time anyway. I say hold onto friends. Hold onto your independence. The things you can do alone that are a joy. Revel in those things. Radiate the single woman's glow :) it's a very attractive light. And one day, when you are not even expecting it, something will come into your life that will be an ADDITION to the love you already have created, and not the sole reason......bf.