Endings & Beginnings
This is a tough story for me to write.... :(
A few months ago, I was in love with someone. I didn't think I'd ever fall so hard or so fast like that. My last relationship before this one was with a real-world GF and one who I was totally crazy over, but that was a year prior to when this last movement of my heart began...
So I was just at the point where I was pretty much starting to think that maybe I was over her, despite the odd pang here and there for my ex-GF.
And when it happened, it just...happened. It crept up on both of us, and our hearts were stolen so completely, so utterly. And I have never felt so alive in my nearly 38 years.
We had a lot in common, and saw many things the same way, though with enough differences to make things interesting. And we wanted the same things, though there was some minor disagreements over things too.
But I was prepared to give up a lot for her, maybe, even almost everything, if it could be worked out. I was prepared to leave my mother here on her own so that I could be with this person, something I would not normally consider, given that my mom is quite old and frail.
I will never make such a promise like that again. I should, and do know better. But love makes you do strange things. Almost anything, to give it a chance for it to happen for real...
When you're in love like that, everything seems so good, like nothing is impossible. Every moment is precious, every waking hour is special. All you want to do is hold that person, their spirit, their face and body, their voice, their laugh, and their soul close to you, and never ever let go.
For reasons that are too complicated to fully get into here, I had to let this person go about a month ago, basically asking her to not speak to me, communicate in any way. She was involved with someone else, despite implying otherwise at first.
And while we thought we could be friends, I couldn't just let that go, and probably, to a certain extent, she couldn't either. I knew that I wanted her too much to just be able to be that casual about it. It was too hard for me. To me, I saw this as her getting things both ways while ultimately leaving me with nothing.
And for me, it was cruel to have to go through that. So I had to protect myself. And I hated myself for doing that while at the same time knowing there was no real other choice...
And I cried. I still do. I am now, tears that start and I have considerable difficulty stopping. I have been holding this in for so long....
I run across the odd photo of her, and the pain and loneliness hits me like a tidal wave, full force, and I can't stop, wishing desperately I could turn back the clock, change things so it could somehow work out, even though I know in my heart right from the beginning it didn't really have that much of a chance.
Despite all of this, I still believe in love.
You don't get anywhere in this world without at least trying, putting your heart out there, taking risks.
One day, maybe, I will get past it, maybe be able to take that risk properly with someone else. I am still somewhat guarded, despite my seeming sense of flirtation with many women here.
So I miss that love, so much, so terribly. I feel these things quite intensely.
I had hoped, against hope, that she could have taken a risk with me...would have done so much to have made that work...but sometimes...time runs out, and things end...and that's how things go...
...maybe, for better new beginnings...for both of us....