Endings & Beginnings

This is a tough story for me to write.... :(

A few months ago, I was in love with someone.  I didn't think I'd ever fall so hard or so fast like that.  My last relationship before this one was with a real-world GF and one who I was totally crazy over, but that was a year prior to when this last movement of my heart began...

So I was just at the point where I was pretty much starting to think that maybe I was over her, despite the odd pang here and there for my ex-GF.

And when it happened, it just...happened.  It crept up on both of us, and our hearts were stolen so completely, so utterly.  And I have never felt so alive in my nearly 38 years. 

We had a lot in common, and saw many things the same way, though with enough differences to make things interesting.  And we wanted the same things, though there was some minor disagreements over things too.

But I was prepared to give up a lot for her, maybe, even almost everything, if it could be worked out.  I was prepared to leave my mother here on her own so that I could be with this person, something I would not normally consider, given that my mom is quite old and frail. 

I will never make such a promise like that again.  I should, and do know better.  But love makes you do strange things.  Almost anything, to give it a chance for it to happen for real...

When you're in love like that, everything seems so good, like nothing is impossible.  Every moment is precious, every waking hour is special.  All you want to do is hold that person, their spirit, their face and body, their voice, their laugh, and their soul close to you, and never ever let go.

For reasons that are too complicated to fully get into here, I had to let this person go about a month ago, basically asking her to not speak to me, communicate in any way.  She was involved with someone else, despite implying otherwise at first.

And while we thought we could be friends, I couldn't just let that go, and probably, to a certain extent, she couldn't either.  I knew that I wanted her too much to just be able to be that casual about it.  It was too hard for me.  To me, I saw this as her getting things both ways while ultimately leaving me with nothing. 

And for me, it was cruel to have to go through that.  So I had to protect myself.  And I hated myself for doing that while at the same time knowing there was no real other choice...

And I cried.  I still do.  I am now, tears that start and I have considerable difficulty stopping.  I have been holding this in for so long....

I run across the odd photo of her, and the pain and loneliness hits me like a tidal wave, full force, and I can't stop, wishing desperately I could turn back the clock, change things so it could somehow work out, even though I know in my heart right from the beginning it didn't really have that much of a chance.

Despite all of this, I still believe in love. 

You don't get anywhere in this world without at least trying, putting your heart out there, taking risks. 

One day, maybe, I will get past it, maybe be able to take that risk properly with someone else.  I am still somewhat guarded, despite my seeming sense of flirtation with many women here.

So I miss that love, so much, so terribly.  I feel these things quite intensely. 

I had hoped, against hope, that she could have taken a risk with me...would have done so much to have made that work...but sometimes...time runs out, and things end...and that's how things go...

...maybe, for better new beginnings...for both of us....


I hope.





marcus101 marcus101
36-40, M
10 Responses May 19, 2008

I know this story - It i so similar to my own. Sometime not much has passed I hope you are doing better.

thank you, mother, bass:<br />
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well, the woman in this story has moved on and has stayed with her boyfriend...I sincerely hope she is happy with him. <br />
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From what I have heard, she is, and that's good.<br />
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I have every belief that things work out...so I agree with your comments, bass...<br />
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Love...or what we mistakenly think is love can blind us to many things. Oh do i have a story to tell there-lol<br />
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It is absolutely right that you have to take the risks in order to get the reward though. It'll turn out for you in the long run if you can remain a believer. I've been through the ringer a bunch of times too. I still believe. I wish you the best my friend.

hey sb:<br />
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yeah, it's all about balance. I agree that real love does exist out there for most people, hopefully everyone... :)<br />
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For many, it would likely help to balance one's expectations against the reality of that, whether it be something as basic as simple differences, or something more complex.<br />
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But it's not easy sometimes. Sometimes, we will just wish things could be different and just go there. <br />
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That passes, leading to something hopefully much better.<br />
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What a touching story, one I know all too well myself. I was in a similar situation for 9yrs off and on. I thought we could remain friends but in the end I could not longer do it. At one time I would have given up alot for this person but there were several reasons that prevented us from truly being together. I still cry when I receive an unexpected email, text, hear a certain song on the radio, see a picture, etc but one of the hardest things I have done is move on it has made me stronger but more guarded as well. In my journey I have realized real love does exist.

ty dee, windy, phidget, for your very nice comments.<br />
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I'm actually doing quite well, really, despite my current sadness. It will likely pass quickly enough. <br />
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It's just that I've never really addressed this before, and I felt it was time to let some of that out so I could properly let this person go...<br />
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and yes, I believe that I will move on and love again, too. <br />
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But as with all things, it will take a little time. I am just trying to open my mind and my heart a little to what is out there...<br />
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I am very thankful for the time I had with this person, and I wish her every happiness...

Hi marcus - we dont really know each other, but i've seen you around, and your story has touched me. It is difficult sometimes to love, it is a risk, but the rewards are second to none. I'm sorry this didn't work out, and I think nearly everyone can relate to the heartache of a lost love, but each time we learn something about ourselves, and it is an opportunity for growth. Down the road, i think you will look back and be grateful for what you had with her, for she taught you something important. You know the old saying 'it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all' - it is so true. I have faith that you will perservere and go on to love again.

I'm glad you still believe in love because love is the greatest thing to experience... but the greatest love of all is the love you have for yourself to be able to let her go... it sucks (I know) but you have to do what is best for YOU!!! Good luck...

thanks j4p, I hope so... :)

lp:<br />
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due respect to your opinion, I gave EVERY chance to this love....please respect my choices...things end, I did my best to make it work....