You'll Find Someone Eventually...How many times have we heard those words uttered aloud, either by us or another individual? Quite a lot, eh? Now how many of us actually meant it...no really, who said it and really meant it without a twinge of doubt in their mind? You/they made that subconscious judgment about the recipient of the phrase and thought they need to change something about themselves if they want to find love, right? Doesn't it seem like we just use that phrase as a way of inspiring hope in someone who seems to be down on their luck?
I don't use that phrase often. I don't because I don't believe there's someone out there for everyone (it's a statistical impossibility, unless you factor in that someone's someone might be someone else's first). Adding onto that, I don't believe in soulmates either. When you really break it down, love is nothing more than synapses firing within our brains - unless you believe in higher power(s), yet since the vote is still out on me for that, I'm not going to go down that road. I have said it before and when I do say it, I say it about/to someone who I feel really deserves to find it. Awfully judgmental of me...or is it? Haven't we heard it said to/about someone whom we feel still needs to make some changes before we believe they have a shot at finding that long lasting love? Deny it all you want, but yes, you have. It's only human to do so...we may love our friends/family to death, but we know deep down there are certain things that need to change before they're ready for Mister/Misses Right to come into their lives. Maybe it's establishing an actual career, working on their self-image issues, getting a handle of their anger/prone to lying...or maybe they need to take better care of themselves...lose/gain a little weight, give themselves a bit of make over? It doesn't matter what it is, we know there's a reason other than "it's just not their time" keeping them from meeting that right kind of people, one who might be that special person.
Reading the first part of this "story" makes me sound like quite a jerk. While I do acknowledge I have a number of my own issues to work out (in addition to freely admitting my faults), I'm actually not "bah-humbug" about love. Honestly, I'd like to fall in love again. However, I don't have high hopes for it. Some of you may ask why while others will think "obviously" (thus giving credence to my points above), I'm going to elaborate:
I'm not a very good person. I'll be the first to admit that I'm far from good looking, I'm far from being very smart and I'm not always that nice. Yes, I'm opinionated, stubborn and so on. I, like almost every other human being, have the desires to find love and procreate however I'm quite sure the qualities I was given have rendered those desires a moot point. Try as I might to remove/subdue them from my conscious thought, they live on in my subconscious. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the way it makes me feel, that jealousy that eats at me as I watch others falling in love. The irritation as to why no one seems to have the capacity to feel that way about me. I don't want those kinds of feelings...because I know I can't be a better person if I'm stuck with them.
Maybe that was a bit of a shocking twist there. You see, since I'm almost certain I'll never have it [again], I'd like to convert those negative energies into finding those who have stood by me all these years that kind of happiness. I hate that jealousy, I hate when it pops up and I feel hollow celebrating my friends'/family's successes in the romantic relationship department. There's a part of me that's quite happy for them and what they've found yet there's always that tiny sensation that creeps up on me and eats away at my inner being. That whole "why them and not me?".
I don't believe that "love conquers all" but I do believe in love. I believe I have a love for my friends, a love for my family but finding that kind of love in a romantic relationship is something I don't believe I can find again. Yet when I say I love my family and friends, why do I feel jealousy toward them at times? Is it even possible to truly love someone but be jealous of them at the same time?