The Giving

 “Meet me.”
Yes. I will. I am thrilled and I am terrified, but I am drawn to you above the others. You are the one I will meet. I am afraid to look at you, to stare, but yet I want to know, so I look into your eyes and what I see reflected back to me is kindness, and maybe a slight fear not unlike my own, and it makes you all the more attractive to me.
We talk and there is a give and take and we learn, take mental notes; ah yes, I not only hear what you are saying, I can feel your voice as it enters my ear canal, it tickles, your words echo in my head, magnified. I will always remember this day, this moment, this feeling.
I want to kiss you so I do. And you give me your lips; your tongue and I swallow you. You taste delicious. I have given myself to you I am afraid, with that first kiss, when you touched my hair, and I think you have given me a little of you too and it feels nice that initial reciprocity. I will hold onto this gift for a while, turn it over in my head, savor it, treasure it.
Now when we share each new thing, it is like ecstasy from a dropper, a taste, to whet your appetite. And you say, this hair is mine, these lips, can I have them? This mouth, these breasts belong to me, and I love them. And I say, what can I have in return and you show me and I am quite delighted. And we share, and I say, this is mine too, --it’s only fair, and we have a deal. We have each other and it is sweet.
This is mine. I want it, I dream about it, and we both agree that the giving is very, very exceptional and satisfying.
Then after a time, although it has become obvious it still needs to be said, so we say it. I give my heart to you too. You have it, and what is hinted at but not spoken is, please be careful with it, it is fragile. Please don’t break it, and there is the slightest trace of a little begging, but it is too soft, so neither one of us can be sure what we heard. Maybe it was the wind.
After a while it is as if ownership is assumed. You are mine and I am yours, and it is beautiful and fun and I miss you when I am not with you and there is no one else in the world but you—don’t make me choose how I spend my time, just be with me when you can; I feel unwhole without you.
And it is good, the giving, for a long time it is good.
But there is a pulling now, a tugging it seems. You are not willing to give, to share. It happens sometimes that the deal gets broken, and there is a taking back of what was once freely given. And the pulling away tears the bond, and it sears the tendons that had formed, and it hurts when one is still holding on for fear of falling because letting go means that you will hit the ground, hard.
And then, “I give this back to you. I no longer want it.” Take back the softness, the wetness, the smoothness, the hardness—take it all back, each to its rightful owner. There can be no more sharing. And if you are fortunate you might hear, I am sorry about your heart. I didn’t mean to break it. I hope it mends quickly. But if not, you must console yourself, give back to yourself, reclaim yourself, overcome the inevitable self-loathing, rejection’s partner, give yourself love. 
Left to yourself though you find you have too much now, having been used to sharing, there is now a surplus and you are faced with the knowledge that what was once so precious when it was given feels tattered and useless, excessive and ugly even. And you must live with this, with the understanding that you are unwanted, and worse, that there is exchanging going on without you; what was once given to you has been rescinded, you are left with nothing, because there is only so much to go around.
And for a very long time you have nothing to give.
But eventually you sew everything back together and give yourself a break because these things happen in life, in love. Perhaps, if you are really brave you stand before a mirror and you talk to yourself. You tell yourself that you are beautiful, you are worthy, and you will share again. Soon there will be another who will say, “meet me” and you will say, “yes.”
And so it goes.
Quintesse Quintesse
51-55, F
39 Responses Jun 11, 2012

Thank you BlueOne. This one took it out of me. It hurt to write and it hurts to read, even now. But it was a necessary part of the process. This is how I heal.
And so it most definitely goes...

Luminous and Blu-<br />
Thank you. It's not easy to bare your soul as I have here, but it sure does make the pain evaporate when people respond with genuine sincerity and understanding. Thank you both.

Yup, after reafing this again, I'm sure of it. This is the very best story I've ever read on EP.<br />
<br />

Ooops...., «READING»

Thanks you. I appreciate the sentiment. I know you are quite discerning, so that means a lot to me.

It's sooo true. It really is something I can read over and over again. Most things here hold my interest for the few moments it takes me to go through it once, but this......
It's just awesome is all. Everyone knows it too. 50 something comments not counting 2nd and 3rd relpies. You nailed what everyone thinks, feels, goes through...., This is great ! I'm sorry you had to go through what you did to create such a work of art. I hope someday you'll think it was worth the trouble and pain. I'm gonna read it again now...... :- )

So incredibly beautiful. Thank you.

Thank you. I guess beautiful in a starting over kind of way. I appreciate your comment very much.

Hikerguy-<br />
Thank you. It took a lot out of me, but it helped me too. It literally came out of me in one heaving sob.<br />
<br />
And Sunset, I'd like to think that there is untapped strength in there, but I think this time it will take a while to emerge. I'm a little unsteady on my feet these days. But you are pretty perceptive so I am going with it, what you said. Thank you for the support. Every day this week when I have logged in here I have found something that I can take away and make work for me. People here are amazing. Thank you.

The best and most beautiful of things come from the heart. Writing such as this is as close to a living breathing set of words as any have ever typened.

It took me through a full array of emotion and thought, as I lived each step a countless amount of times. The way your mind flowed through it..., your heart poured into...., your soul gave life to it........ simply beautiful.

I am in awe of it in it's entirety, my friend. Hoping you reach the end of your sewing. To reach the end of this.....

~Soon there will be another who will say, “meet me” and you will say, “yes.”~

Consider me, inspired.

I like that you said "your soul gave life to it" --that is the poet speaking. I thank you for this comment and for the praise. I will say "yes" one of these days. You are a good friend to me.

Wow ! Good Lord...., that was one of the most excellent things I've ever read.

Connifer, you captured it, definitely. I know that I have more life in me, even though I have been laid bare by this. <br />
It's just that when you are abandoned as I was, without a word, with so many things unsaid, the pain is indescribable. Friends want to help, but only I know what I had (or thought I had) so I only I know what I have lost, so ultimately I am alone with my pain.<br />
And I know joy matters, and that she will one day show her face again. I know it.<br />
I thank you. You touched me with this.

It doesn't matter<br />
What day it is<br />
When you walk thru rooms<br />
That remind you of<br />
Your past...<br />
Of a love that was<br />
Supposed to last.<br />
<br />
You must be kind<br />
To yourself...<br />
Bask in moments<br />
You've held dear<br />
On the shelf.<br />
<br />
It doesn't matter<br />
If you tell your neighbors<br />
You don't mean to be rude,<br />
But you'd like to enjoy<br />
A little solitude.<br />
<br />
As the trees outside<br />
Often try to confide,<br />
Shedding leaves is<br />
Like growing forward,<br />
There will be another time.<br />
<br />
It doesn't matter<br />
If you write verse<br />
To help vent this feeling.<br />
You know it could be worse...<br />
Staring blankly <br />
At the ceiling.<br />
<br />
So leave the past behind<br />
And try to keep in mind<br />
Joy isn't handed out<br />
On a silver platter.<br />
There are days She will<br />
Never show her face,<br />
And you must either<br />
Grow in grace,<br />
Or kid yourself<br />
That it doesn't matter.

And Windmill--hope is where it's at. I hang onto it (sometimes foolishly, I guess) with all I've got, because I know that without it I have nothing. Glad I could help facilitate yours.

Gettinsum-<br />
There is definitely something beautiful going on when I find myself coming back here for comfort. What I have found with Ep is that for every person who causes you pain, who hurts you (even inadvertently) there are about 100 who will jump at the chance to help you, and comfort you when you are suffering, as evidenced here. It is real and it is, I would suggest, even a little magical at times the way interacting here can turn my day around. Thanks for your comment. It was really nice.

This is a great thread. I have not read every word, but enough to know there is something special going on here. There is a lot of fluff, silliness and postering here on ep, but stories like this remind how special and important ep can be. Hope your life improves and happiness is in your future

Jen. Living without love is not an option, especially when you have tasted it like I have--I was full in, over my head as it turns out.<br />
Thank you

Thanks for sharing this. I do not know how you manage to express so beautifully the beiginning of a new relationship of substance. It is sad so many have to end so painfully. I guess we take that risk when we open up to others but if we stop and close ourselves off for too long we are not really living. That is what I keep reminding myself anyway.

Bear, Thank you. I know you understand this, I'm guessing a lot of people here do. <br />
<br />
I lost a child. I know heartache. But when I lost her it wasn't a commentary on who I was as a person. This is. This is someone saying, "I don't want to be with you. I did at one time--but I've had enough." <br />
You don't bounce back from that too easily. <br />
I wish we could heal each other too. That is a beautiful sentiment. Thank you.

I wish I could tell you that I had no idea what you're talking about - but I do. All too well. I fight back tears so often it's automatic now. I do things but the joy is gone. I go through the motions. I wish my damaged heart could heal yours - and vice versa. Time goes by a second at a time - and time is what it takes to heal. * hugs *

And Ven. It's hard being me. I don't do anything in a small way, so I guess I got yanked back into reality--like a bird taking off and then smashing headfirst into a window; it looked pretty good from where I stood, but people and circumstances can be deceiving. <br />
It is a hard lesson to learn, to accept, especially as one rounds the corner into middle-aged-dom. Bouncing back is not as easy as it might have been even ten years ago.<br />
Thanks for encouraging me to share. I hate the self-indulgent sad stuff, but sometimes it cannot be helped.<br />
Thanks for backing me up like the brother I never had. It's your job to make cracks like "loser." haha. He's not, but still, I got a chuckle out of it and that was what I needed.

Sweat, You're pretty smart. I myself have been known to say that I am much more about the journey than I am about the destination, and yet I forget my own words of wisdom, and get all bogged down with what was and what will never be. I mean, it's hard not to get caught up in that when you are nursing a broken heart, but it's not healthy, that's for sure. Thanks for reminding me.

What a loser. <br />
<br />
Not you, Q.<br />
<br />
It's sad that someone with so much to share has no one to share it with. <br />
<br />
Wait, what am I talking about? You are sharing it with US. <br />
<br />
And we are lucky. <br />
<br />
And so it goes.

Life rises with hopes, warm fuzzies, etc<br />
like the dawn through the Sun rise and<br />
meanders through into the Human generated <br />
activities through the day and then... then,<br />
SETs through the evenings into the darkness of Night !<br />
<br />
Do you see.... what i mean... dear!<br />
<br />
Today's journey is OVER,<br />
Rest and Refresh yourself<br />
for another one - tomorrow..... ♥

NotSoFoolishOne. Trust me, I know what you're saying. I find myself rereading this, and all of a sudden it's like I'm standing naked on an ice floe somewhere, freezing, crying. I have GOT to bury this, and soon.<br />
A very smart person once told me that when you experience loss and pain like this you give that lost person part of your heart and wish them well. Then you grow a new heart to share with others. <br />
My new heart is emerging. <br />
Thank you for your friendship. When I look back on this time of my life I will always remember the people here who helped me get through this. You are helping me more than you may think. When I look at these comments it gives me strength. Okay. Crying again.

This story is just a couple of days old and the events are ongoing, for me at least--he is long gone. I was a little late to the heartbreak party, my invitation having gotten lost . Oh, No wait--he never sent it-- just waited for me to "figure it out." which I eventually did.<br />
<br />
And as for the laughing--it is how I cope. Finding a way to laugh each day is not only healthy, it staves off bitterness and propels you out of melancholy. I swear by it. It's just that I haven't been out much, haven't experienced anything amusing lately. Still--there's always tomorrow. Let's keep a good thought, shall we? <br />
Thank you for your thoughts. I always appreciate them.

Justme, thank you for that. Personally I am waiting to come up with a way to laugh so I can bury this one with an amusing story, but unfortunately I'm not there yet. Laughing is still a few days off, I'm afraid. Thanks a lot though for your comment. I told you I understood where you were coming from.

But Ceridwyn-- I never Q & A--you must have me confused with some other hysterical person, haha.<br />
I love you--I'm glad we're friends too. Thank you so much. You always have something nice to say and you have no idea how much I appreciate it.

I think that all that matters is that someone is cracking you up while you are working. It takes the drudgery out of the day. I'd take the credit, but it wouldn't be right. haha. You are funny.

Eyez and Buckthorn. I tear up just thinking about this, what it took out of me. But in the end it has helped me a lot, getting it out, and I appreciate you guys understanding that.<br />
<br />
You all seem to understand, I guess because we have all been at this point; maybe the only difference is what we do with what we have learned. You have to fight bitterness with everything you've got because it will destroy you--this I know. So I am working on forgiveness and <br />
<br />
Thank you Layne, Luna, emdi, and AgingOne,--<br />
<br />
I like that you referred to love as form of grace. It certainly should be treated as such--as something blessed. Those who mess with other people's hearts don't understand that.

Cowboy. I thank you for your words of encouragement. It's not a matter of being worthy I don't think, --everyone is worthy of love, but I did learn that I tried too hard to force it on someone who did not want it from me. That was a pretty hard lesson. I don't know when to quit apparently.<br />
<br />
And woman, one of my favorite things about you (one of many) is that you always get me. You always echo what I am saying and that kind of affirmation is powerful, especially when someone is struggling to be heard, to be understood, as I am with this. I thank you.<br />
<br />
Avatar, thank you for being my cheering section. I know I'm not alone with this but that doesn't make it one bit easier. Having friends like you though is what definitely makes it easier.

This was so powerful! <br />
<br />
I have been here before too. I don't want to go through it again, except I keep hoping the story will end differently for me this time. It takes a lot of courage to try again!<br />
<br />
Thank you for sharing <3

It took a lot out of me Samaris. Thank you, and I hope that your story ends differently. Here's to both of us being strong.

Beautiful and .... revealing. Your words help me find myself, see myself. I too suffer of he fall from the grace of what was once love. Thanks for putting this into words

That is quite a compliment, thank you too.

"she sang as if she knew me, in all my dark dispair" - the beautiful song of 1974 comes to my mind. "Killing me softly, with her words, ...." I should send a link to the song, the music makes more sense than this reply. Youtube surely has "Killing me Softly"


Wow! you really know how to write I like the transition of emotions

Basically, the emotions are all over the place. The trick is to try to reign them in and organize them--not easy. Thank you, you.

THis is beautiful . . . I just had to mention it. Such a fantastic post . . .

((Hugs)) such a bittersweet sadness I feel after reading this. I have also been there and understand where you are coming from in your pain.

So many of us have been in similar situations, felt those feelings and lived through that pain. But you are able to tell how it is, to the extent that this story resonates within us, reminds us how it was, how we felt. I suspect that most people reading this will be sympathetic, some empathetic and all of us will be cheering you on. Wishing and hoping for you to find that joy again.

I want joy again. I want it in the worst way. I can still taste it (in my head) and it hurts. I cannot wait for the day when thinking about love, and joy does not cause me the pain of loss. I am getting there. Thank you so much.

That day will come, keep on loving and healing yourself in the meantime.

You've said so much for many of us Q. Your ability to convey your story in a way which lays us all bare is rare indeed. I love the way you describe that feeling of having once given so much ... and not being required to give any more ... what do we do with that surplus giving? How do we give and to whom? To ourselves, obviously ... but (temporarily at least) it feels empty ... and this is the frightening part. It is a feeling of redundancy ... being no longer required ... <br />
<br />
It is terrifying to post something like this ... but not among friends ... and especially those who really do get what you're saying.

I respect you more than you know I think, so whenever you take the time to leave such a thoughtful comment I read carefully. The surplus to me is the saddest part of this--I find myself with so much to give and no one to give it to. It is disheartening, and very, very sad.

Quint<br />
You are an amazing writer, not surprising because you are an amazing person. Never let the ignorance of a fool make you feel diminished in any capacity. Any man<br />
that cannot recognize what he is losing by turning away from you is not worthy of your love.<br />
God Bless

You always boost my spirits, and my self esteem and that is what friends are for. Thank you for being mine.

Girl, okay, I'm sorry to be forward, but you have got to tell me where you are geographically so that I can come to you--for no other reason than to physically hug you until you cannot breathe. I will send you a lame teddy bear gift/ bear hug gesture--but I want you to know that this is what is really meant.<br />
You have given me what I needed today--a self-esteem boost. I define myself as a writer, so this is really the most phenomenal compliment that I could get. It has lifted me on this sad day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I was terrified to post this.

Too far. I will send the teddy bear pronto. haha

Excellent plan, a hug chain. Geetar, this obviously spilled out of me, in one giant back-heaving sob. I don't even remember writing it, but when it was done I just stared at it for days, not knowing what to do with it. The response has been overwhelming. I guess posting it was the right thing to do. I don't know how to thank you. I have been pretty dumbfounded myself, by the response.

Yeah. This is me. This is my life these days. I am sewing over here, one stitch at a time. I rarely share things this raw, but I am getting over it, my hesitation, especially since at the moment it can't be helped. Once you decide that you are going to manage your emotions through writing, you can only really have healing when you share and you have people comfort you the way you guys have here. Plus, like Quercus said, joy unites us, but unfortunately, so does pain, and I like feeling united now, otherwise it is just me, standing here with tears streaming down my face. Someone hand me a tissue. <br />
I appreciate every word, and the sincere support that you guys are giving me. It is why I came back. I love you all.

I don't have a tissue but you can use my sleeve.

Even better.

And now you know why I love him.

You are a great writer. You capture so well the life of a new love and then how it fades as differences assert themselves. We all know these feelings.

I am torn between wanting to remember the joyful feelings and trying to purge the sadness. I have survived this before, so I know that joy will rebound--at some point. Thank you for your kindness.

Yup. Some things you can learn only one way, by living it.

Quintesse? Are you ok? If this story is about you ((((hugs)))).<br />
Yes I know this feeling well and it is hard to gain back self esteem.

Thanks for the hugs.