The Giving

 “Meet me.”
Yes. I will. I am thrilled and I am terrified, but I am drawn to you above the others. You are the one I will meet. I am afraid to look at you, to stare, but yet I want to know, so I look into your eyes and what I see reflected back to me is kindness, and maybe a slight fear not unlike my own, and it makes you all the more attractive to me.
We talk and there is a give and take and we learn, take mental notes; ah yes, I not only hear what you are saying, I can feel your voice as it enters my ear canal, it tickles, your words echo in my head, magnified. I will always remember this day, this moment, this feeling.
I want to kiss you so I do. And you give me your lips; your tongue and I swallow you. You taste delicious. I have given myself to you I am afraid, with that first kiss, when you touched my hair, and I think you have given me a little of you too and it feels nice that initial reciprocity. I will hold onto this gift for a while, turn it over in my head, savor it, treasure it.
Now when we share each new thing, it is like ecstasy from a dropper, a taste, to whet your appetite. And you say, this hair is mine, these lips, can I have them? This mouth, these breasts belong to me, and I love them. And I say, what can I have in return and you show me and I am quite delighted. And we share, and I say, this is mine too, --it’s only fair, and we have a deal. We have each other and it is sweet.
This is mine. I want it, I dream about it, and we both agree that the giving is very, very exceptional and satisfying.
Then after a time, although it has become obvious it still needs to be said, so we say it. I give my heart to you too. You have it, and what is hinted at but not spoken is, please be careful with it, it is fragile. Please don’t break it, and there is the slightest trace of a little begging, but it is too soft, so neither one of us can be sure what we heard. Maybe it was the wind.
After a while it is as if ownership is assumed. You are mine and I am yours, and it is beautiful and fun and I miss you when I am not with you and there is no one else in the world but you—don’t make me choose how I spend my time, just be with me when you can; I feel unwhole without you.
And it is good, the giving, for a long time it is good.
But there is a pulling now, a tugging it seems. You are not willing to give, to share. It happens sometimes that the deal gets broken, and there is a taking back of what was once freely given. And the pulling away tears the bond, and it sears the tendons that had formed, and it hurts when one is still holding on for fear of falling because letting go means that you will hit the ground, hard.
And then, “I give this back to you. I no longer want it.” Take back the softness, the wetness, the smoothness, the hardness—take it all back, each to its rightful owner. There can be no more sharing. And if you are fortunate you might hear, I am sorry about your heart. I didn’t mean to break it. I hope it mends quickly. But if not, you must console yourself, give back to yourself, reclaim yourself, overcome the inevitable self-loathing, rejection’s partner, give yourself love. 
Left to yourself though you find you have too much now, having been used to sharing, there is now a surplus and you are faced with the knowledge that what was once so precious when it was given feels tattered and useless, excessive and ugly even. And you must live with this, with the understanding that you are unwanted, and worse, that there is exchanging going on without you; what was once given to you has been rescinded, you are left with nothing, because there is only so much to go around.
And for a very long time you have nothing to give.
But eventually you sew everything back together and give yourself a break because these things happen in life, in love. Perhaps, if you are really brave you stand before a mirror and you talk to yourself. You tell yourself that you are beautiful, you are worthy, and you will share again. Soon there will be another who will say, “meet me” and you will say, “yes.”
And so it goes.
Quintesse Quintesse
51-55, F
39 Responses Jun 11, 2012

And Windmill--hope is where it's at. I hang onto it (sometimes foolishly, I guess) with all I've got, because I know that without it I have nothing. Glad I could help facilitate yours.

It doesn't matter<br />
What day it is<br />
When you walk thru rooms<br />
That remind you of<br />
Your past...<br />
Of a love that was<br />
Supposed to last.<br />
<br />
You must be kind<br />
To yourself...<br />
Bask in moments<br />
You've held dear<br />
On the shelf.<br />
<br />
It doesn't matter<br />
If you tell your neighbors<br />
You don't mean to be rude,<br />
But you'd like to enjoy<br />
A little solitude.<br />
<br />
As the trees outside<br />
Often try to confide,<br />
Shedding leaves is<br />
Like growing forward,<br />
There will be another time.<br />
<br />
It doesn't matter<br />
If you write verse<br />
To help vent this feeling.<br />
You know it could be worse...<br />
Staring blankly <br />
At the ceiling.<br />
<br />
So leave the past behind<br />
And try to keep in mind<br />
Joy isn't handed out<br />
On a silver platter.<br />
There are days She will<br />
Never show her face,<br />
And you must either<br />
Grow in grace,<br />
Or kid yourself<br />
That it doesn't matter.

Connifer, you captured it, definitely. I know that I have more life in me, even though I have been laid bare by this. <br />
It's just that when you are abandoned as I was, without a word, with so many things unsaid, the pain is indescribable. Friends want to help, but only I know what I had (or thought I had) so I only I know what I have lost, so ultimately I am alone with my pain.<br />
And I know joy matters, and that she will one day show her face again. I know it.<br />
I thank you. You touched me with this.

Wow ! Good Lord...., that was one of the most excellent things I've ever read.

Hikerguy-<br />
Thank you. It took a lot out of me, but it helped me too. It literally came out of me in one heaving sob.<br />
<br />
And Sunset, I'd like to think that there is untapped strength in there, but I think this time it will take a while to emerge. I'm a little unsteady on my feet these days. But you are pretty perceptive so I am going with it, what you said. Thank you for the support. Every day this week when I have logged in here I have found something that I can take away and make work for me. People here are amazing. Thank you.

The best and most beautiful of things come from the heart. Writing such as this is as close to a living breathing set of words as any have ever typened.

It took me through a full array of emotion and thought, as I lived each step a countless amount of times. The way your mind flowed through it..., your heart poured into...., your soul gave life to it........ simply beautiful.

I am in awe of it in it's entirety, my friend. Hoping you reach the end of your sewing. To reach the end of this.....

~Soon there will be another who will say, “meet me” and you will say, “yes.”~

Consider me, inspired.

I like that you said "your soul gave life to it" --that is the poet speaking. I thank you for this comment and for the praise. I will say "yes" one of these days. You are a good friend to me.

So incredibly beautiful. Thank you.

Thank you. I guess beautiful in a starting over kind of way. I appreciate your comment very much.

Yup, after reafing this again, I'm sure of it. This is the very best story I've ever read on EP.<br />
<br />

Ooops...., «READING»

Thanks you. I appreciate the sentiment. I know you are quite discerning, so that means a lot to me.

It's sooo true. It really is something I can read over and over again. Most things here hold my interest for the few moments it takes me to go through it once, but this......
It's just awesome is all. Everyone knows it too. 50 something comments not counting 2nd and 3rd relpies. You nailed what everyone thinks, feels, goes through...., This is great ! I'm sorry you had to go through what you did to create such a work of art. I hope someday you'll think it was worth the trouble and pain. I'm gonna read it again now...... :- )

Luminous and Blu-<br />
Thank you. It's not easy to bare your soul as I have here, but it sure does make the pain evaporate when people respond with genuine sincerity and understanding. Thank you both.

Thank you BlueOne. This one took it out of me. It hurt to write and it hurts to read, even now. But it was a necessary part of the process. This is how I heal.
And so it most definitely goes...