Rush hours. Middle of the week. Crazy world. Productivity. Making money and paying the bills. No room for much more. Stressful. Busy. Busy. Since morning till evening.
Job next home then short sleep and again the same. Productivity. All has to look good. Like in the army. Discipline. No complaints. Keep going. How are you? Great. And you? Fantastic. See you. Bye. No way out. Routine.
"Mark, I am here. Do you hear my heart beat?"
Everybody has wounds. But nobody shows them. No time for weaknesses. It doesn't look good. Anyway, who really cares? Most of them doesn't. The rest of them wants to know because it makes them feel better. They don’t feel so lonely after all. In a strange way, it makes them feel happy that others are not so good too. And there are a few who want to help in order to help themselves. Basically, nobody really cares. In the end what count is, what I would get out of it. Anyway, who cares?
"I am so happy. I want to make you happy. I wish it would never end. I am so glad that I found you. Mark?"
"You are the man of my dreams."
It is getting worse and worst but nobody wants to admit so. Just all keep smiling and trying to look good in photos. Besides, what else can we do? Simply life with no future. Just maintenance.
"I know you a few hours but it seems as though I have known you for all my life. It has never happened to me before. To meet a guy in the subway and make love to him the same day. I love you so much."
"Yes April, I love you too."
This motel room. I am not sure if I can shower here. Cheap place out of the traffic. Middle class love. This is total crazy. No protection - nothing…But she is so beautiful. When she said in subway …Did people still read this stuff? I felt something, something I didn't feel in a long long time. I said, "Yes - William Faulkner and Wild Palms are especially popular these days." She said, "I want to escape. Escape from the city forever."
"What do you think about it?"
" Me? I love to be in your arms. Just like right now. Just lie down and rest after all what happened. It is amazing. I can think freely. I can be myself. I don’t have to pretend. I am not alone. I am not afraid. I love how you take care of me. I can be selfish. I can have something for myself. I can have you."
She is so gentle. Never pushy. She gives you so much space. So much freedom. You never want to go away. I think that she is very intelligent, very educated , maybe an artist. I love abstract minds. She doesn’t talk too much. But whatever she says - is just right. I know already that I will miss her for a long time.
"Mark, Promise me that you will never leave me?"
"I will always be around you, April. Always."
I was sure I am done. I think because of the medications. Just that you don’t want to do it anymore and you simply can’t. But she was perfect. Since the moment, she sat down by my side in the subway, I have felt that rush. Warm and slightly dizzy and.. like you were on fire. It was moving like waves from my toes up to the top of my head. Goose bumps. Like you would be on the stage for the first time to read your poem about love in front of a huge crowd. That kind of pressure in your stomach. You can’t catch the breath. But you are ready and confident. You trained yourself for that so many times. And you are ready. You don’t know much about what is happening but - you are going through it. Calm on the surface and full of different kinds of wind inside. And you are done. It is so quiet after that. So quiet and for so long, that you are almost pulled into the crowd. Like you would be falling into the deep space. And you don’t know what is it. Is that good or bad? And you start to think that they hate it - and next…You hear the storm of applause. And you are gone. You are blinded by emotions. You are in the different Realm. Pure joy... I felt like that just when she sat down. When she looked at me and started talking to me. When we made love. I felt young again.
"I fell in you just at the first sight," she said. "My life was so lonely. I was on my way to work when saw you reading. My heart started running faster. I thought it would jump out of my chest. I almost fainted. I couldn’t help it. I sat down close to you and I felt so good. So peaceful and happy. I love how you make me feel. You are so strong."
Yes' she has full control over me and my body. She knows how to touch and kiss. She knows what to say. We left the subway just on the first station. Took the cab and got here. We didn’t talk much. But when we left the subway, she just paused for a moment and surrounded me with her arms and kept there for a long long time. She did not let it go and overpowered me completely. I left my old life. Then, she said, "I was looking for you everywhere."
She triggered everything just perfectly in every moment. We were together as one in every step of the way. I had never felt so close to anybody. But there is only this moment, this day and there is no tomorrow. Everything is so perfect that it just can't be better. I am keeping it as it is - unspoiled by the rush hours.
"Why did you cry?"
"I don’t know."