Leslie And Me And LoveI am sitting in my closet now and thinking. The door is open. There is a lot of light in here, but still, it is a narrow space. I like it in here, it is safe, and I can gather my thoughts.
“I love zu life. I love zu lee. I love you baby whatever it means." This song keeps coming and coming to me like a mantra . I am singing it all the time in my mind, and when I have enough, I sing it out aloud. Screaming almost. Well, it helps. I feel much better when I do that, I don’t have to think.
“I love a zu lay. I love ve zu lee. I love you baby whatever it means”. I know it doesn’t make any sense in English, and it doesn’t make sense in Polish. It doesn’t make sense at all. Anyway...
“I love zu lay …"
Leslie, we are good together, at least that is what you are saying, all the time. You are such a good friend. I know you would do anything for me. How is it possible that you never say “No”? You are not moody and you accept everything. I can call you anytime and you are always there for me. You keep sending me those funny messages over the phone during the day. Every day since I have known you. Messages like, “I love you. I miss you. Smile." or, “Thinking of you. I am so wet I can barely stand it." or, “The sun makes me feel so good. I wish you would be here with me”. You make me so happy, Leslie. Always positive, always giving, so kind. How come it is possible that you never complain? Yes…never. How come?... And you are saying that this is more than sex. That we have some connection, something that is deeply rooted in our spirits. That I am giving you something like nobody can. That I can touch your soul. I don’t know... I guess.
“I love zu lie…”
Honestly Leslie, we never talk about love even if we say - love you, I love you. Well, I remember once, when we were together, you asked me if I really loved you?
“I love zu lay. I love zu lee. I love you baby, whatever it means."
What should I say, especially, after we had such a wonderful moment, after we made love. I said,"Sure, of course."
“I love zu lie…”
Hmm... You are with him. He is a great guy. You said you love him dearly and you want to give him a child. He is your husband and he provides everything for you. You have a great life with him. And what can I do? I would never be able to give you that. Life - you and me together is simply a road to nowhere. I just can’t destroy you. I won’t allow myself to fall for you and destroy myself too. It wouldn't be wise. There is no future for us together. There is only what we have and nothing beyond. Our lifestyle simply doesn’t match… but you say that money doesn’t matter...
“I love zu lay I love zu lee…”
Leslie, do you want to know the truth? When I make love to you and I feel you all over me and when I am in you and when I reach the highest point, I do feel it. I love you so much. I am one with you. I love you, Leslie.
Yea. When you asked me if I really love you, I said, "Yes," and you asked me, "But what about her? What about Anna?"
'Anna is my girlfriend,' I thought. 'She loves only me. She wants to be with me. She doesn’t see the world beyond me. Anna loves me and I need to be loved like that.' But I said to you,"It is different. I can’t explain."
“I love zu lay."
Well Leslie, I don’t think we have some kind of an open relationship or a relationship with no strings attached. I don’t think that in our real lives we have that kind of commitment. Nobody knows what we are doing anyway. And I don't think that it is complicated, not at all. I don’t know about guilt but I am sure that you feel guilty like I do. I can sense that. Leslie I have to think about it. I have to think if I want to do it again.
“I love zu lay. I love zu lee. I love you baby whatever it means.”
Ah, no more! It is time to leave the thinking chair. Again, I didn’t figure out anything.
“I love zu lie. I love zu lee. I am going to meet you Leslie, tonight."
Thanks again for all the help.
Bolek 41-45, M 1 Response 6 Sep 1, 2012