Our Broken Reflection

I wait for him to come home every day, I clean up the house, I make sure our bedroom looks nice, and I always keep myself looking as pretty as I can when we comes home, but it’s never enough, nothing’s ever enough. I want to be the apple of his life, his only desire, I want him to need me, but what has happened is that in all my trying, instead of him falling, I’m the one who’s punished with this love, I’m the one who is suffering with my undying devotion to him. It’s crazy trying to keep someone that is obviously slipping out of your hands slowly, someone that has become so elusive, so distant that you can’t put a grip on their heart.
I’ve seen him with other women around town, a few in particular. He’s always so flirty and touchy around them, he goes out to dinner with them and when I question him he always dismisses me and tells me their just friends. I don’t think he knows how much pain he afflicts on my heart and mind; I don’t think he knows the kind of mind games he’s playing. I feel like these women are replacing me in his heart and that he is going leave me, leave me to die alone and he doesn’t even care, what kind of person did I marry? Why does he torture me and not give me two thoughts? What have I done to him? Maybe I’m not pretty enough, perhaps these women are gorgeous and beautiful and he’s tired of my look. Maybe I wasn’t sweet enough, maybe there were times I hurt him and didn’t catch myself and he has built this resentment towards me, Whatever the reason may be, I would do anything to change it, I would do anything thing to save our marriage, I’d give up anything for him but I know he wouldn’t do the same. I know in my heart that all I’m going to do is give and give and give and never receive a god damn thing! And the thought of that makes me hate him, makes me wish I didn’t love him, makes me wish I could find someone new and leave him for someone who really deserves me and make him feel the immense pain I’ve been feeling for the longest time. The really sick thing about that thought is that maybe even with a new guy and new love I would still love him and wouldn’t want to hurt him, in the midst of everything I would still be thinking of him, not me.
It’s truly a curse to long and wish for something that is so evidently gone, so far away yet so close. He’s married to me; we share the same bed, the same house, just about everything, Yet his heart is so distanced, he doesn’t even look me in the eye anymore, when we go to sleep he doesn’t kiss me good night and says that he loves me anymore, he faces the other way and ignores me. When wake up he leaves really fast before I can get two words in edge wise, it’s like I died, like I don’t exist, its cruel. We haven’t made love in almost a year, I still remember it, but I’m sure it has slipped right out of his memory. As he slips away so does my life, my happiness, everything about me is starting to fade, except my love for him. I’m afraid I’m going to lose myself and my mind, the end for us is so imminent, I feel he’s going to leave me at any second.
Sometimes I wish something horrible would happen to me just to get his attention; I wish I could faint in from of him so that he could catch me in his big strong arms, I wish that I could get run over by a truck and be stuck in a coma so that he would have to take care of me In the hospital, and sometimes I wish he would beat me black and blue just so he could apologize later and make it up to me so I can feel that he cares. It’s all so sick, my stability is hanging on a thread, my sanity is closing in and I don’t know what to do. Waiting for him to come to around is like being trapped in a tiny little box with nowhere to run, watching him have fun as I suffocate to death with the thought of him being with another, drowning in my psychotic thoughts and illusions, aroused with the thought of killing any ***** that comes near him, and praying that he’ll love me again.
I’m living on prayer, living on the thought that it is just a phase that he will get over this that we could pick where we left off. We’ve only been married for less than two years, we dreamt of a promotion, children, a big house, ever-lasting love but right now I feel like maybe he’s disappointed in me, like he’s let it all go. I hope we don’t give up on our dreams, I think he’s got to go through this, maybe things have to get worse before they get better? Right, perhaps I’m just overreacting? I like to hope that is the case. If we can get through this I hope he can kill me before I drive myself to death with these memories, our lost dreams, and my lost hopes. I thought if we were married our fate would be sealed with a lock and key, and that he’d give me all of him, but to my own disillusion it seems like he wants this love to set him free. With all this pain I just want to escape far away from this town, far away from this unnerving pain and fear, I just want to abandon this broken down small town life he condemned me to, because in a small town your heart dies. I’ll wait for him because that’s what I was left to do, my heart won’t let me leave so I guess I’ll stay here and try to keep the man I love. I’ll keep my prescription drugs and cigarettes as an escape when I can’t go, when I can’t leave, even if I go off the deep end, even if I’m headed for a meltdown. He might come home from work in a little bit because usually he’s out at the local pub and doesn’t come him till I’m dead asleep but he promised me today that after weeks of abandonment he’d come home right after work to talk, this is what I’ve been longing for. I’ll wait for him to open up, but I don’t know if he’s shut me out completely, I don’t know if there’s any fixing to his broken mind. I don’t know if our love is like a shattered mirror, the reflection of our love is to broken to be fixed.
lolita95 lolita95
18-21, F
3 Responses Sep 16, 2012

well done there lolita95....keep up the good writing

I would say from me an outsider looking in... That this guy is still in his young ages? Childish &selfish? You are more mature than he is. You are ready to settle and he isnt.. The only thing you can do is move on! It will take sometime but once he see you have moved on..... He will want u back then its up to you. Please be careful whatever you do. Lettme know (:

Its an excerpt from a story im writing! what do you think, please be honest, thanks!

Sadly, I dont not know if this is fixable. You seem like a genuine person, who can eloquently state how they are feeling, but he does not appear to care, or care enough to listen. And I have to side with sam1696 on this one; You deserve better. Sometimes, relationships are not fixable, no matter how hard we work at it. If it is any consolation, ye have no children with the man, and that would complicate things exponentially, and hurt them in the process of dissolution. I know firsthand, trust me. You are young and still have much life ahead of you. I am sure you will find a man that gives you the love, attention, and affection you so rightly deserve. My heart bleeds for ye, Milady...

guys its an excerpt from a book im writng, what do you think?

....... WOW. I felt all kindsa Sympathy for her/you. ... that.... Kinda sucks. Shoulda let us know beforehand. ;) Great writing, tho... ye obviously evoked an emotional response XD.... Damn... I was all ready to sharpen blades and hunt that ***** down. Good Job.... I think.... * Puts away the swords *

I hope you liked it, thanks!