from the moment I created my account here, i've been posting random things and answering some questions. the things i've posted were evidences that i am really, really, really a random person. i posted something about my very first infatuation, and whatnots. i want you to know about my thoughts and i want to give advices too. and another reason i made this account is to let my feelings out. my real feelings. you know, the kind that makes you go all smiley all day. i mean -- i think i'm really in love with this guy. and i'm gonna talk about him here. i know i posted one entry about this guy. but anyways...


i honestly don't know where and how to start. okay, so i'm a college freshman, and i've gotten into my dream university. i made new friends. and this crush/love thingy started like, on the second or third week of the start of our classes. i don't know what really attracted me to him at once. i never plan on an early college romance.

we started out as shy friends and we developed our friendship as the days went by. we become really close. you know, the kind that i get to squeal at him about anything, i get to pull his hair playfully, we tickle each other, he knows much about me than i expect him to and vice-versa. i thought that maybe we have a chance. but it's so early to think of that, right? i mean, what if he only sees me as his closest girl classmate? what if our friendship is nothing compared to his friendship with others? and this next question somehow makes me feel gloomy inside-out.

what if he only plans to get my hopes up and then let me down?

my four closest friends know that i like this guy. but they don't know that i feel afraid. i think that i'm afraid to be hurt. i'm afraid to be let down by the guy who i consider my closest guy friend at school. i'm afraid of all the dark possibilities. but even though i doubt my feelings for him and his feelings for me, a tiny voice inside me says that he likes me. and he never fails to show that through his actions. the fact that i see the truth behind his eyes when he stares at me somehow scares me.

i don't know, but i am also afraid if he already had fallen for me like i did for him. but there's nothing to worry if that's true. right now, we're really, really close. if we'd get the chance and be a couple, it would be very perfect. right now, i already feel perfect about us. everything about us connects, you know? like something binds us together even if there are times when we hang out with different people and we don't get to be together. it's like i've found my soul mate. but i don't know. it might just be a false belief of my heart and mind.

i can't help but notice that we feel a bit fidgety when we're together. but then after a while, it will be gone again and -- what will replace that? our laughter. non-stop, i tell you. :) he's a nice guy, the nicest guy in class perhaps. he's handsome and he has an average guy's body for his age. i'm twenty-nine days older than him, but we don't mind. it's just a particle of age gap for us being crazy having to be with one another. the most important thing is that he knows how to make me smile. when i don't feel better, he makes me laugh. he acts older than me sometimes and he gets to understand things better. and he is that one person who you can always talk to.


the negative bottom line. somehow i feel like we're over the line. not that we're doing nasty things. i mean, it's like we're over-showing our feelings but then we don't admit it and that's what sucks. and it feels weird. okay, sorry for this long post. if someone understands me, i thank you :) i'm really hard to understand so thanks :) and to all who read this, sorry and thanks guys :)
ErinValcourt ErinValcourt
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 7, 2013

I'm sure he's asking himself similar questions in his mind :)

Thanks! I somehow wish. :)