Guilt And Honesty

Life is very strange , and mostly not what you expect it to be. It disappoints ,lets us down , and deflates our fragile ego's.
Sometimes I feel I'm a presence tentatively watching and observing myself ,from a distance, in anticipation of what I may or may not dare to do next.
I have an over whelming desire to just be myself ,It takes unnerving courage , to let down my guard and give you permission to see, I reiterate it inside my head and pressurize myself to be motivated into expressing myself.outwardly , so with trepidation and excitement I am propelled further towards my desire.
This has the uncomfortable effect , of bringing a surging wave of adrenaline which in turn makes my heart tachycardic, my breathing erratic, I start to perspire, and my conscience proceeds to , warn me, question and debate my actions, 'Your taking a risk, you may regret this , are you willing to suffer the consequences ? 'I throw up my hands assertively ,and block it, I know in that moment its impossible to return , I levitate forwards to the point of no return, and I let go, nothing else will prevent the exhilarative fix I desire.I close my mind and return my concentration back to what I'm doing.
This is what I want , need, require , it satisfies the unequivocal raw quivering jagged edges,of my feelings, waiting to be sanded shaped and soothed, so after, they feel like driftwood that has, been rescued and tamed by a craftsman.
After this has been instilled satisfactorily within myself,I use it to my advantage to sustain ,nourish and support me it gives me the required strength , rational and integrity, presence and peace of mind. which enables myself to survive , I give it permission to allow the revealing of the image and persona, I'm perceived to be ,by the audience ,judges hierarchy here in, this world we all exist in together.
If only we could simplify the complexities of human nature , and the never ending challenges and obstacles dropped uninvited into our laps.
If only ,what we most hoped to depend upon was dependable, and the honesty was honest ,
LydiaRia LydiaRia
51-55, F
2 Responses Jan 18, 2013

Beautifully written and deeply moving, and sounds like you have been able to put in words what most of us feel about love and loving.
Sounds like you have a lot of experience in this awesome emotion, called Love. Thanks for letting us know that we are not alone in these thoughts and feelings,
Darlingrose

You write about sex and desire with the craft of a professional.