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A Study Of Jealousy ~ The Structure Chameleon

I never wanna talk to you.
Never give a try.
You are killing me.
Stranger !
You are welcome,
Yes and no at the same time.

It is a flame. It is a voice. It comes with the thought.

What is she doing now? Not for me. Not with me. I am losing her. There is somebody better. There is somebody else.


The noise. The noise. The neighbors. The street. The fight. The snake. My head. My head. Overcrowded. My chest is burning. I am twitching inside. I am old. I am ugly. I am stupid. I am done. I am losing her...
 
THE MONKEY
THE CAGE
JUMP JUMP
HIT HIT
WALL TO WALL
SCREAM AND NOISE
 
Stop it!

 
Pufffff after Pufffff.

I have to quit. I hate smoking. It is freezing out here. My bones are cracking. Yeah - winter.

Puffffff after Puffffff.

Actually it is nice. Sunny but cold. Little bit controlled a pain. Much better. Much better. Something on my own. I got to go inside. Clean my house. Do laundry. Keep busy. She doesn’t want me anymore…
What the **** was that?

Puffffff after Pufffff

 
Cleaning the floor in the kitchen.

Tile after tile. Removing all the stains, all the dirt. Slowly, methodically. Tile after tile. I am too perfect. So stupid. It will be dirty again in no time. Tile after tile. Scratching the surface with the finger. What a ******  stain. More water. Let it soak. More scratching . Gone. Now wipe it nice. Great! Looks good. Tile after tile. Endless job. But it is clean now.

Why she is not talking? To whom does she sends her smile? To whom does she shows her affections, her kindness? Who is now in the field of her beauty? Not me. Not me. I will push her away. I will show that I don’t care. I will blame all on her...

You!!! You!!! Don’t touch her. Even with your eyes. She is mine.


Let it dry. Let it dry. I can’t walk over here now.
 

Washing dishes.

Water is running. I am wasting too much. I shouldn’t run water all the time. Just soak dishes in the water and next wash and rinse. Water is running. One plate. Soap. All around. Up and down. Rinse. More soap. And again and rinse.

Hmm – this sounds like madness.

I wish her to be free and I can’t stand… I can’t stand the thought that she won’t come back. But when she is back I am mad first and pretend like - I don’t care,  like  - I am detached and ignoring her.

I can’t get it. I think it is wrong but I can’t help it.  Maybe, when she is finally with me I am mad for the things which I had lost. What I think I did lost and what I think she did without me. Everything looks suspicious. Everything looks not right.

She is giving to somebody else what only I should have!



Dishes, dishes make my wishes come through. Let me see the wisdom behind distress.

I can’t even tell her what I feel. It would kill all. It would be the end.
So, she has to be free and I am going to wash this fucken dishes and be cool. Just meditate and not bother at all.

 
Folding the laundry.


Cloth after cloth. Straightening all. Fixing the edges. All even and straight as much as possible. Even. Even. Nice and even. Like my mom taught me. She said at that time that my father was jealous. He saw all the evil in her and that is why she left. Even. Even. Nice and even. Now all is pressed down and is ready to go. Hmm. I may have the same problem.

 
Dust from the shelves. Dust from the tables, piano, TV. So much dust. Every day. I will message her. I will do it first. I will show that way - I am in power and control.

I will say, “What the **** are you thinking?”

No. Of course not. I will say, “I am doing good. I am glad that you are doing well too."

And I will not say - I love you as I always do. Yeah! This will make her thinking. She will think that maybe I too have somebody. She will message me quickly in a fit of all jealousy. She will be all over me. Maybe she will hit me in the face. 
Lovely!

And she will say, “What are you thinking!!! You are so retarded!!!”

I would say laughingly and massaging my cheek, “What is the problem. I didn’t do anything.”

Nooo. Why should I be such a *****? I will say that I love her. I love her. Just that I miss her like crazy.

Dust. Dust. All is clean. All is past. I am going to message her now.


What the f…! There is an email from her about 2 hours old.

Hi. It is me. Did you forget about me? What are you doing there in your own world? I miss you. I am very jealous for some reasons now. It is killing me. I know it is not you. It is me. I guess if I won’t be so jealous, I wouldn’t love you so much.

Love you.

Hmm. Woman. Woman. They are so jealous. So weak. Well - what can you do? You got to love them as they are.

                    
Bolek Bolek 41-45, M 71 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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Hi-Very good story in that stream-of conscious type of writing. I also loved the end like oyvey74 said-blaming the woman for your own irrational jealousy...

Nice story. :)

I make no apologies for my jealousy. I do not have a single jealousy bone in my body..except for the one. The one jealousy bone that sits with all my other relationship bones.
But the red hot emotion I get when I feel that my love is being threatened is something I embrace.

You captured a piece of that red hot emotion that people feel ...in love. It was nice to read. :)

Thank you.
What I can say.
I was taught many times in life - no jealousy no love.
I tend to believe that it is true. Of course too much jealousy no good but not jealousy at all it seems to be strange to me.
I am trying to be wise and cool here but when I am truly in love I am jealous.
I am glad that you like it.
Thank you again for your comment.

I have a situation right this very minute that under normal circumstances I would b feeling that same way but instead I got the shakes for a few and then WHAM I seen ur name on my fan list! Call it what u want but I've always found it strange when I need help the very most it comes in the most strangest of ways and that way being this, all of this and by this I mean ur writings and what ur goin thru! It makes me think that just sometimes things line up just right and u catch a small break :). I'm sure I sound looney tunes but if u feel half the way u write then u already know what I'm talking bout :0

Yes I hear you.
I think I understand.
There not a coincidences - I believe.
I am glad if I could help you in some way.
I know exactly how it feels.
I hope you will be well.

Oh yes ill b fine I always am- this is one phase of many that's been the very worst thing to happen to me until the next best thing comes along.. I try to learn from where I was so I don't end up there again! If it wasn't fun the 1st time I can't imagine any other time would b better lol thanks for ur kind words

Stay in touch please.
If I can do anything let me know.
I am here for you.
Just time. Little bit time and all with go away.

Your poem captures the essence of jealousy. Wonderfully written! Thanks for sharing.

My pleasure.

I tried my best. I am glad that I come close by to have some universal understanding.

I would love to if you would read parts of my book and here and tell me what do you think.

Thank you.

It is great! You've captured the essence of the anxiety of a jealous heart.

It was not difficult believe me.
These feelings are still fresh even If I think that I know who to deal with them.
Thank you for your comment.

Oh wow! I'm at a loss for words.. Women, women why are we like that? Well that's what make us "us". :)

And that is why I love you!
Thank you for your wonderful comment.

I love it. I think a lot of us been through that.

No sure if that is good or bad but thank you very much for your comment.

lol I'm a jealous woman and this had me laughing.

Thank you for understanding.
Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

You europeans are very poetic...I don't have idea on jealousy since I'm an open person....
Uhmm,,,you get a high grade on that...

Open like what way?
Thank you.
You are so kind.

That was beautiful, and something I can say we have all gone through.

My pleasure.

日日事無別 In my daily life there are no other chores than

惟吾自偶諧 Those that happen to fall into my hands.

頭頭非取捨 Nothing I choose, nothing reject.

處處沒張乖 Nowhere is there ado, nowhere a slip.

朱紫誰爲號 I have no other emblems of my glory than

邱山絶塵埃 The mountains and hills without a spot of dust.

神通並妙用 My magical power and spiritual exercise consists in

運水及搬柴 Carrying water and gathering firewood.

This is very well written and I most assuredly identify with your tormented protagonist.

Wow. Do we have to suffer like that?
Thank you.

We can't help but be who we are. Good or bad. We control our choices, to a point. I recently just read an article on Psychology Today, written by a PhD no less, who indicated that men are particularly hard-wired for infidelity. The more and more we as a society and as individuals find 'logical' and 'scientific' ways to rationalize our evil, selfish behaviours, the less and less civilized we become.

OK.
Let me understand that fully in plain language.
I am Polish. I know just a few words well.
Hard-wired for infidelity - how do you understand that? Like we are more as man able and do cheat or we are more jealous or we feel infidelity deeper and stronger?
Rationalize our evil, selfish behaviors - can you explain here and give some examples? You mean if I am able explain logically how evil and selfish I am I am becoming less civilized.

How would you define "evil" here? Please examples.
How do you understand "civilized" here ? Please some examples.
ra·tion·al·ize
/ˈraSHənlˌīz/
Verb

Attempt to explain or justify (one's own or another's behavior or attitude) with logical, plausible reasons, even if these are not true...: "she couldn't rationalize her urge to return to the cottage"
Make (a company, process, or industry) more efficient by reorganizing it in such a way as to dispense with unnecessary personnel or...

civilized past participle, past tense of civ·i·lize (Verb)
Verb

Bring (a place or people) to a stage of social, cultural, and moral development considered to be more advanced: "a civilized society".
Polite and well-mannered.

"hard wired for infidelity":
this means that it is literally apparently encoded into the genetic composition of some men (the article cited specifically men).
Evil:
Profound immorality, wickedness, and depravity. In this context, infidelity *is* evil because there is nothing more depraved than for one human being to deliberately destroy another human being emotionally, particularly when the motivation is his own selfish indulgences.
Civilized:
The state of (a place or people) to a stage of social, cultural, and moral development considered to be more advanced. Civilized persons employ morality at all times, not only when it conveniences them. As in the case of infidelity. A moral person WILL NOT COMMIT INFIDELITY. PERIOD. A person who commits infidelity and claims to be a person of decent moral character is a profoundly deceived hypocrite. At *best*.

I hope this provides some clarity, and apologize that my feedback was initially so obscure.

Did you ever cheat?
Do you think like cyber sex is cheating or not?
How this respond to my text here?

Half my lifetime ago, in my early twenties, unfortunately, yes, I made the abhorrent, reprehensible decision to become involved in an extra-marital affair (as the 'other' woman). Trust and believe that Karma has seen to it that I have paid for this tremendous error to the Nth degree.
Cyber sex is cheating. If you have to ask whether or not something is cheating... well, obviously, it is.
And... forgive me, but I do not understand "How this respond to my text here".
If you would please offer some clarification, perhaps word it differently, I would be much obliged. Thank you for engaging in the intelligent discourse, and be well, sir.

My text is about jealousy.
More of about paranoia of it and the way how my character try to deal with the problem deep down knowing that he is paranoid. You can't talk about infidelity if you don't have evidence and he don't have any. Just his thinking.
Your comment touch post factum when act of being not honest is done. That is why I ask. I have no problem with that. I love intelligent exchange. I was wondering what inspire you in my story to have such a thoughts.

Do you sex chat here?
Do you have master?

I am not about judgement. If you feel uncomfortable with any question please don't answer.

A bit of clarification of the connective tissue between my thoughts and your original post is certainly in order, and I'm more than happy to make the attempt.
On January 4th, my best friend, my fiance, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, abandoned me. Within three days he was in a relationship with another woman, even to the point of wearing *her* collar. Prior to his selfish flight, I experienced the kind of emotional and psychological torture that the protagonist of your account is subjected to. Hopefully this will provide the insight needed to better understand my feedback, in its context.
I do not sex chat here.
I have a Master, but only in my heart, and that is not by choice. In other words, regardless of what he has done to me, I remain in love with the man. If only it were as easy as deciding not to be, I most assuredly would do so, and hasten the matter at that.
I take no issue with your question at all; in fact, thank you for taking an apparently genuine interest.

Yes I understood all the situation from the beginning. I looked at your profile. I figure out all. Now I know I was right.

One more question.
You still love him.
You don't have master per say because he is in your heart.
I hope I am correct till this point.

Next you avatar suggest that you are submissive and that you belong to D/S world. Next you are saying you are still in love. I would understand that if I am in love I don't give any impression that I look for dominance or I am submissive. I could do that to manifest my believes when having master or looking for new one. I would not do it if I would not look for that. I understand you are not looking because you are still in love. I can see some opposite understandings and behaviors. I have no problem with that knowing how psyche complicated is. Just trying to understand based on my logic. Can you help me here?

You are correct in this:
Yes, I still love him. No, there is no other Master because I am still his, unwanted or not.

I am submissive and do consider myself part of the D/s subculture.
Expressing my submissive nature is not the same as advertising for a Master; I am merely stating my nature. Being clear about how I perceive myself and relate to the world around me in this way has been very helpful in finding other members of the community with whom I can relate.
That is to say, I can state that I am a fan of Classical Music but that does not mean that I am looking for a job with an orchestra.

Make sense.
I hope all will see it as you see it.

For those who do not comprehend my desire to relate to other members of the D/s community on strictly social and intellectual bases, I am only more than happy to make myself abundantly clear to them.

In Poland we have old saying who plant wind harvest the storm.
Anyway it is not my desire to give any advices.
All are free and make their own choices.
I was wondering and I asked.
By the way - what would you think if you would see my avatar when I am whole naked on it?
I understand you wish to talk. I am keeping the flame going.

I am thinking now.
I wonder what his Holiness would do in this situation?

To see your avatar as you in the nude would lead me to believe that you are perhaps a nudist. The Pope would more than likely not find himself in this situation as he is allegedly supposed to have taken a life-long vow of celibacy.
Next?

Simplified on the phrase, "Hard-wired for infidelity - how do you understand that?" Is that men, just because they have a penis, are prone to NOT be in a monogamous relationship with just one woman. Hard wired means there is just something in their brain or they natural way of being that will not let them be faithful. Of course most women would like to think that this is not true. :)

No, it's because of their biochemistry with specific relation to three biochemical elements, only one of which is testosterone. I'm sure you can find this article yourself, just 'google' "why men cheat article Psychology Today". Other, more unsettling information in the article states that men who are subjected to particularly maternal abuse (including neglect) in the first ten years of life are exponentially more susceptible to infidelity than their well-nurtured peers.
I sought the information not to villify... but to understand.

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I get mixed feelings from your stories, think you have a bit of a difficult relationship because you don't know how to handle the emotions of love, trust, showing your true feelings. Also it sounds like you have a compulsive cleaning disorder. and yes it is bloody freezing.

Thank you for reading me.
It is quite warm here.

lucky you

Quite lucky. I can't complain.
Life is amazing. I can't help it.
I hope your situation will improve shortly.

Very deep. I like it.

You portray the madness and the insanity that the character goes through quite well. It's like he's become mentally ill from the constant repetition of routines and he's missing her day by day.

I am glad that you were able to recognize that.
Than you so much.

This post puts me in mind of those times when you are in love, but you see the end nearing and you frantically try to maintain your emotional equilibrium by doing mundane but physically soothing tasks. You clean and straighten and scrub and try to bring some type of order to the chaos of your mind. I've done this. I do this even now.

Interesting. Interesting.
Like honestly, honestly I can tell you what I felt before writing it.
Do you really picking some energy like is something ending here?

It feels that way to me. Why the angst and jealousy if you trust in love? If you are feeling a withdrawal emotionally, even if it is slight and unconsciously, between two people in a relationship, jealousy widens the gap. You begin to pick at your own insecurities until the breach widens further. Eventually I think it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.

Hm ...insecurities I think yes.
However it is a bit different here but maybe I am not aware what is happening.
When you meet somebody you can see if there is interest or not. If you see interest there then you wish to know what it is and why. It is natural I believe.

For sure you like the person and you wish to proceed. You giving the try and you start to feel for that person. That how it goes. You have emotions - all natural and spontaneous like love should go. Well basically she is amazing and she has all what you would dream about. Plus she has all advantages of beauty and wisdom and age. You never had nothing so beautiful in your life. You do your best. You feel that there is right respond but it was not all said like - I am yours and you are mine. And you can't make sure about that. But all all around says like that. You are not sure you are with her or not. Than when you don't hear and make sure that all is still as you left last time. That has to be house renovation.
0 seconds ago

I think you masterfully captured what happens between the human mind and the human heart when we break, due to love and loss. The relentless brain chatter, the unequivocating emotion, despite the brain chatter... and the frailty of the human form... the shivers, the smoking. Such a powerful piece, my new friend. I am moved.

Wishing you a soft wind to gently ease away some of the brain chatter. You're a magnificent writer!

-Wind

Wow.
You know magic.
You are magic.
You live with the spirits. You are great spirit.
You master it.
Glad to meet you Wind.

I am Traveler.

Thank you for Zephyr.

*sigh* ... so lovely!
PS: I'm not always a soft wind... fair warning :)

Yes - you are lovely.

Don't worry.
You can be Tornado 10 as well. I know you name and you can't change that.

Try to understand first who Traveler is - please.

I will, and savor it, as your writing is lush and layered. I believe it will take time to fully understand Traveler.

All for you secret beauty.
You possess quality of mind reading as well.
That is marvelous.
Such a uniqueness.
You are right it is about time which don't exist.
However we need time to understand that.
For sure you are safe and protected all the time. No matter how you think about that or you believe or not if that is possible.
For all of this we need time to prove it.
Never the less inner discover began here.
I am sure you will love it.

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I am not sure how to respond to this revelry...I can relate to the desperation in your words, your passion, your love...the greatest fear that I have regarding loving someone is the possibility that their love will not be returned to me. The last time that happened to me, the last time my love was rejected and not reciprocated, it nearly destroyed me. I am just strong enough now, to realize that it was necessary for me to experience that, because it allowed me to feel, and now to live on a much deeper and critical level of life. Thank you for your post.

Yes. This is one of the main causes why this text come to life.
Fear of rejection and all what followed it.
You saw it right.
Thank you for your comment.

Real men do not make their woman jealous of other women, he makes other women jealous of his woman. If men complain I have too many boyfriends, I never agree, never disagree, I am too busy kissing to care. I had not an opinion on their opinion of me, just kiss and forget about it, no?

I think this jealousy combo in the beginning of your comment make sense. Real man should make his woman jealous. It is so stupid to do it but fun sometimes. There is the situation as well when you don't do anything and your woman is jealous which is even more fun. I am one woman one man history. I like that way and I don't mind how others like it. Yea for sure kiss can be powerful. It can make you forget about anything. Thank you for reading me and your comment.

This is a story about love and obsession. I can relate to the feelings.

Yea. That is true.
I am kind of obsess person.
It is good because if I decide to accomplish something I am totally for the tusk. However can be bad and damaging when you can't keep right balance. So far so good here. I hope the same with you.

Thank you for your comment.

Beautiful... Unfortunately jealousy is very much a part of our life. The more we love the more room for jealousy. In my life whenever I get jealous, I try to befriend the other person who I'm jealous of... And lo and behold the next time I know I'm discovering a new friend just by searching for all the goodness that person possess. This is how I overcome my jealousy.

If this work for you it is great method.
For me probably it would very difficult to love the guy who I would think sleep with my wife. I had this kind of story in my life in real time. My wife become pregnant with one of my best friends. We were still friends and we are however I did not feel much love for him. I understand - I was busy, working, almost never home. She was alone and he is great guy. I wish I could cut his balls but this is just between you and me. Today I am cool.

My friend your story is very much understandable and I'm sorry if I sounded a little bit idealistic on my reply. But that's how I face my real life. I'm sorry that it has to happen this way but let it go. When God closes the door, He opens the windows! God bless you.

It was 25 years ago.
I am cool now.
Thank you for understanding.

Sure sparked the feeling of jealousy as I read this fine piece of writing.Very well written indeed.

Feelings thanks God we all have them.
No matter what you feel I can feel it too.
When you move in the back of the boat I will go up on my other side.
However I will always run to meet you on other side of the boat.
I will never let you stay down. I will try to make boat even.
It can be very stupid because we can sink together.
The best when you meet me in the middle.
We always will be safe when we make the same effort to reach each other.
Feelings should be always administrated with wisdom.
Thank you for your lovely comment.

I hope my comment did not make you feel bad.I wrote what I felt.
Regards.

I did not find anything wrong in your comment.
You express yourself and I did too.
I hope you did not find anything bad in my comment.
You felt jealous for some reason. I felt that you are going down. I come to pick you up. I felt your kindness giving me by reading my story and by time giving me and your interest in me. I made a story. I feel responsible for it. It was not my intention to make you feel jealous but understand nature of it and be able reflect on it and try to work with it the best way possible. I take responsibility for every word I wrote. I waned to show it as we speak.

Haha..So true Peter. :) Thanks for writing this story.

Thank you my friend.
All the best for you.

WOW!!! This is great......so real..........so human. Thank you for this gift. I don't feel so alone.
Loved the twist at the end!

We are all on the same boat.
Thank you for lovely Good Morning.
You are an Angel.

Great story really enjoyed reading it. It reminds me of my best friend at the moment and reflects alot on how my husband was when we first met. Fabulous as ever my friend x

Thank you.
All will be good. All will be good.
You have extra ordinary heart. Very giving and compassionate.
I can't imagine nothing more for you like great in near future.
You planting amazing seeds and you will receive great results.
Hugs for kids.

Ah thank you :-)

It made me laugh. Such a sad and lonely story and the twist brings laughter,I love it.Thank you for writing it.

Thank you. I am glad to make you happy. Always.

You are such a gifted writer. I am sometimes in awe of your ability to put your thoughts and feelings in words in the poetic and capturing way you do. This was truly excellent.

Wow. First time you said something about my writings and it sounds just amazing.
Thank you so much.
I am really honored.
We are friends long time. I always love to this golden hairs.
Thank you for being with me as friend. Soft, kind and gentle.

One of my faults is that I read many stories, including yours, that I find truly exceptional and yet I fail to comment and let the author know. I am trying to improve on that.

Thank you.
I am glad to read your thoughts.
Please do it more.

I will.

I hope you are doing well.
I wish you wonderful weekend.
Happy. Peaceful. Restful. Warm.

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wow you describe the things of my own marriage things i didnt see in time. i really liked this. i do beleive im a jealous one. i love deeply and get hurt deeply.

Thank you so much for your honesty.
I hope that being honest about it about our own feelings is good way to achieve some control over unwanted state of jealousy.
I understand about deepness. I am the same but I can recover quickly as well.

It's well written..but love to me is being able to let go even if it hurts...smile through the pain and wish them the best...putting their happiness over my own......but its very poetic and I enjoyed it...thanks

Are you jealous sometimes?
Thank you.

yes...I think so...everyone is from time to time...I've learned being jealous of somone or something, only hurts me...what ever it is...I just let it go...if its ment to be it will be.... not saying its easy...but it works..

I have a feeling that my method of let it go as a house cleaning looks very similar.

lol...well I'm pretty good at house cleaning...lots of practice...lol

Yea - there is always something that you can make it look better.
No doubt.

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NICE STORY OR MAYBE IT'S SOMETHING THAT WAS CONSTANTLY CONFUSING YOU???

BUT SERIOUSLY YOU MADE ME FOND OF CLEANING NOW LOL :) DUST,WATER,SOAP,STAINS BUT REALLY NICE STORY.

Confusing?
Let me think and tell you what I think reading your comment.
Hm.....
Confusing - I would think like I was not sure or I did not trust or think that I don't totally believe in display of feelings towards me. Based on that I could be jealous and not complete or fulfill. At the same moment I would understand that It is just my imagination and I have no any ground to feel that way. However why do I feel that way? This could be describe as sate of confusion and in order to get rid of little bit of stupidity house had to be clean from top to the bottom.
Thank you for your comment. There is always something to do at home.

Every word almost come to live :0)

When the soil is great filed with love and compassion every seeds become alive.
Thank you.

I absolutely loved your thoughts! Great way of expressing your thoughts and unbelievable talent!! I was very touched by your words..If you don't mind my asking..was it a spouse or someone close to you that you are hurt by?

Always you can ask anything.
Kindness always make me kind.
When child play with fire I try to explain - don't do it, it is not good for you, when right time will come I will show you how to make fire innocent.
Sometimes smart kids want to challenge you - they ask - why? and why you will not show me now? And next they still play. What do you think should I do at that moment?
I usually take my toys and go home. Next I hear - you are so bad why didn't you stop me if you knew.

When I was scout my scout teacher caught me smoking cigarettes. He said well you like smoke so much -OK. He order me to smoke whole package in one time. I was vomiting whole night. It helped with cigarettes for 30 years. Who know which way is better. They are all different once. I have mine.

If she would hurt me you will not hear from me for some time for sure. She knows me and she know how to inspire me. I trust her completely. I have no any doubt about her. I have no reason to be jealous.

I know as well what is true and not.

Thank you very much for your comment. As you know I smoke