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A Study Of Jealousy ~ The Structure Chameleon

I never wanna talk to you.
Never give a try.
You are killing me.
Stranger !
You are welcome,
Yes and no at the same time.

It is a flame. It is a voice. It comes with the thought.

What is she doing now? Not for me. Not with me. I am losing her. There is somebody better. There is somebody else.


The noise. The noise. The neighbors. The street. The fight. The snake. My head. My head. Overcrowded. My chest is burning. I am twitching inside. I am old. I am ugly. I am stupid. I am done. I am losing her...
 
THE MONKEY
THE CAGE
JUMP JUMP
HIT HIT
WALL TO WALL
SCREAM AND NOISE
 
Stop it!

 
Pufffff after Pufffff.

I have to quit. I hate smoking. It is freezing out here. My bones are cracking. Yeah - winter.

Puffffff after Puffffff.

Actually it is nice. Sunny but cold. Little bit controlled a pain. Much better. Much better. Something on my own. I got to go inside. Clean my house. Do laundry. Keep busy. She doesn’t want me anymore…
What the **** was that?

Puffffff after Pufffff

 
Cleaning the floor in the kitchen.

Tile after tile. Removing all the stains, all the dirt. Slowly, methodically. Tile after tile. I am too perfect. So stupid. It will be dirty again in no time. Tile after tile. Scratching the surface with the finger. What a ******  stain. More water. Let it soak. More scratching . Gone. Now wipe it nice. Great! Looks good. Tile after tile. Endless job. But it is clean now.

Why she is not talking? To whom does she sends her smile? To whom does she shows her affections, her kindness? Who is now in the field of her beauty? Not me. Not me. I will push her away. I will show that I don’t care. I will blame all on her...

You!!! You!!! Don’t touch her. Even with your eyes. She is mine.


Let it dry. Let it dry. I can’t walk over here now.
 

Washing dishes.

Water is running. I am wasting too much. I shouldn’t run water all the time. Just soak dishes in the water and next wash and rinse. Water is running. One plate. Soap. All around. Up and down. Rinse. More soap. And again and rinse.

Hmm – this sounds like madness.

I wish her to be free and I can’t stand… I can’t stand the thought that she won’t come back. But when she is back I am mad first and pretend like - I don’t care,  like  - I am detached and ignoring her.

I can’t get it. I think it is wrong but I can’t help it.  Maybe, when she is finally with me I am mad for the things which I had lost. What I think I did lost and what I think she did without me. Everything looks suspicious. Everything looks not right.

She is giving to somebody else what only I should have!



Dishes, dishes make my wishes come through. Let me see the wisdom behind distress.

I can’t even tell her what I feel. It would kill all. It would be the end.
So, she has to be free and I am going to wash this fucken dishes and be cool. Just meditate and not bother at all.

 
Folding the laundry.


Cloth after cloth. Straightening all. Fixing the edges. All even and straight as much as possible. Even. Even. Nice and even. Like my mom taught me. She said at that time that my father was jealous. He saw all the evil in her and that is why she left. Even. Even. Nice and even. Now all is pressed down and is ready to go. Hmm. I may have the same problem.

 
Dust from the shelves. Dust from the tables, piano, TV. So much dust. Every day. I will message her. I will do it first. I will show that way - I am in power and control.

I will say, “What the **** are you thinking?”

No. Of course not. I will say, “I am doing good. I am glad that you are doing well too."

And I will not say - I love you as I always do. Yeah! This will make her thinking. She will think that maybe I too have somebody. She will message me quickly in a fit of all jealousy. She will be all over me. Maybe she will hit me in the face. 
Lovely!

And she will say, “What are you thinking!!! You are so retarded!!!”

I would say laughingly and massaging my cheek, “What is the problem. I didn’t do anything.”

Nooo. Why should I be such a *****? I will say that I love her. I love her. Just that I miss her like crazy.

Dust. Dust. All is clean. All is past. I am going to message her now.


What the f…! There is an email from her about 2 hours old.

Hi. It is me. Did you forget about me? What are you doing there in your own world? I miss you. I am very jealous for some reasons now. It is killing me. I know it is not you. It is me. I guess if I won’t be so jealous, I wouldn’t love you so much.

Love you.

Hmm. Woman. Woman. They are so jealous. So weak. Well - what can you do? You got to love them as they are.

                    
Bolek Bolek 41-45, M 71 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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It is a part of love but if not managed well can tear love apart......................well from my experiences anyway.

Very true. Very true.
Thank you.

I think jealousy is a part of love. Very nicely written.

Happy star may you always shine above me.
Yes jealousy is always there I think.
If we can work with it and introduce to the field of love and transform into loving kindness it can be very powerful and positive.
Thank you so much for your loving kindness.

It's poetic.
Some people say that love is not jealous, I disagree though.

Thank you so much.
I am with you.

As usual one amazing story and a great topic asz well
As a woman jealous is part of me so They are so jealous. So weak. Well - what can you do? You got to love them as they are. is the right thing to said

It is so honest and pure.
I love it.
Thank you.

Love women as they are, as they love you as you are :)

Very true.
Thank you.

Incredible!!!
you write that so well...I can almost feel what he is going through, you have captured it sooo well...incredible writing...loved it!!!!!!

[Each night . . . ]

Each night
when carolers descend to bars
for vodka herring and *****
in the far cities of Orion
Harlequin bites his fingernails to blood
and calls the rats
on the fifes of his legs

It's a sign that there's not enough purple
or smell of soap
or bread and tickle of nostrils

And there
the carolers
enter glasses of golden beer
and with their teeth the thighs voraciously

Edward Stachura

I really enjoyed your story :D
:) the ending was kind of ironic
:) in a twisted funny way!

Thank you.
Chameleon.
They look funny.
I hope you are aware what they do and how they behave.

awesome!

Thank you.

Nice prose!, Sorry about the obvious pain it took to make you write it

Thanks and thanks.
Still - I free myself a bit after writing it.
It was worth it.
Thanks again for display of your compassion.

well said

Thank you.

fascinating...

How many roads crossed together?
How many trodden paths?
How many rains and snows, forever
Frozen in the street lamps?

How many letters, farewells,
Hard times in many cities, so extreme?
Again obstinacy to go ahead
And to reach the aim supreme?

How many endless strains,
Common grief and common strive?
How many breads sliced in pains?
Kisses? Books read? Stairways?

How many years on carving poem?
How many verses, cried out loudly?
How many moments with Beethoven?
With Corelli? With Scarlatti?

In your eyes shines a magic star
And your heart is all of the sunbeam.
Oh, I wish I could save this heart
From the oblivion’s sin.

Konstanty Ildefons Gałczyński, “Pieśni (Songs)”

That's really beautiful

What a wonderful piece of writing, Peter!!!! I felt every twist and turn of emotions in this story.I think many of us, if not all, have been here a time or two. This type of emotion just simply consumes you. Brilliantly done. hugs&smiles***

I am glad that in the end of the day we can keep good grab on these feelings.
Thank you.

Wow a very passionate piece of writing. It was so interesting to read!

My pleasure.
I will do my best to inspire you more.

Wow, as a fellow writer I can only say that was amazing. Interesting setup, the prose was natural, it flowed poetically. Keep up the good work.

Thanks my friend.
I really appreciate your comment.

Excellent. It kept moving and pulling me right along with it. Love the twist at the end. Stunning. Well done. Thanks for the ride. It is like a stream of consciousness...moving moving moving rolling and moving; barely giving the reader time to take a breath. .

For me writing is like a dance.
This one is for sure is Argentinian Tango.
You are moving...just wonderfully.
Let me kiss your hand and say - thank you for incredible dance.

Makes me jealous to read something so wonderfully written......great work Mr.Bolek.

Yea. I like that kind of jealousy.
Please read more. Please.

Hi Peter,I love the poem,I'm sure everyone can relate to this.The emotion that is in there,I can feel the jealousy,it's made me remember how consuming ,pointless this emotion is.It burns up and dredges up every negative thought,that turns into feelings and illness.

Yes. I understand.
I had these feelings a bit between 20 and 30 year old.
Not much but a bit. My partners were close with me all the time. I had no reason for jealousy and I was not giving any reasons back. However I remember the beginning of each process of being in love when I was not sure if I have total commitment. I was literally walking all over the walls. I had to fight this feelings and never let them over power me. On the other hand which is even more complicated when I was going in pain and jealous mood only what I could do ( it was just in a few cases but it happened) was go totally cold and kill all love in me. I think it was total immature and stupid. It was based most of the time - now I know - on complete paranoia. But I couldn't help it. I think I cause because of that some pain. Now I can talk and analyze peacefully. Still I have to admit I did not grow up fully. Thank you.

Brilliant piece Bolek. Somehow you read minds and weave them in and out. Thank you for knowing.

Yes for sure we can see each other.
I know that and you know that.
I believe it is wonderful gift.
I love what I see anyway.

I think I owe my ex-boyfriend an apology if this is what he went through. Thank you for putting it into words.

What a wonderful development.
Writing this article was totally worth it just to have a chance to find your comment.
Thank you.

I guess it is that women do not understand what it means when a man says he thinks about you all the time. Even a year and a half later, he says he thinks about me all the time and had to get rid of everything I gave him in his apartment. And I could see him doing the things you said above. What an insight! Thank you!

When you really touch man heart he will never forget that.
There is no way. You are always and will be part of him.

This is fantastic. Its pretty chaotic what goes on in some peoples mind when they are jealous. Nice twist there lol

Thank you. Yea - that how it goes.
Of course - twist - it is not my fault.

Great story and I love your style of writing.

Thanks. Especially that it comes form the guy.
I write all inspire by deities and all for them but I love as well when masters comes and enjoy my work.

great prose Peter. I have been watching back to back episodes of a comedy drama where the main actress does exactly this all the time!
how easily you could write for a sitcom!

I would love to.
If you will have any availability there let me know.
Thanks.

Jealousy is an awful evil thing....it eats your heart, your mind, and your soul. It takes your self-esteem, self-worth, and self confidence. And if you let it, it can take your life. Great story Piotr, but boy did it ever bring back memories.

Past is past. Now is now.
You are wise now and no need to be worry.
By the way I really don't like this one guy on your page LOL.

Lol. You're too cute.

Ah yes-this I've recently come to understand. I'm not particularly jealous of her (she looks at me with terror), but I'm furious with him. That he could do this. So I do understand the pain-I've never been so badly hurt (at my age!) by anyone else. Doing household chores and keeping busy do help-but the pain is always still there.

A very enjoyable story.. As others have said, well-written, heartfelt, meaningful.

The pain is there when jealousy and anger which follow arise. It is so long when you keep that in your heart. I am sure that one day you will let it go and the pain will go away. I wish you that from the bottom of my heart. You are extra ordinary being and you deserve peace for sure.

That is an amazing story , sounds like they were thinking of each other , but she left a message better than leaving things unsaid ,

Yes they were connected all the time.
Feeling and experiencing together.
They are in love and that how it is when you are.

yes, well its hard to feel that way, jealous, though

Yes is hard but is great. Better than feeling of being alone.

Yes thats very true , :) but sad if both people do not feel that way jealous of each other

Yes. This can be a bit intriguing. It can makes you think why? Next you can think maybe she or he doesn't love me that much or maybe not at all or maybe there is somebody else. And you know you go again. If too jealous no good I guess if not jealous enough no that great as well. I don't know maybe better be alone. But alone in not better too. I think better be in love. Not really sure what next.

yes that is very true, maybe they go through times when they are jealous and then not jealous , I have no idea , myself, or they think that they are not good enough for the other person or they are holding them back , then realize that the feelings are still there , after all.

Yea. It is constant dance. Love as we know. I love it.

yes :)

5 More Responses

I enjoyed reading your story :)

My pleasure.
Your comment brought me joy.

Peter you have such a gift in writing, and you are so deep. I love it. Your words, brain, and heart are an adventure. <3

You are always welcome to explore more.
Thank you.

I love this story. Thank you

My pleasure.
My love and smile is with you.
Peace.

That was awesome, Peter. Incredible.

You are the light. You are the sunshine.
God bless.
Thank you.

You really have the gift for poetry and you express your self clearly enough. Very nicely written.

Thank you so much.
I am praying for your quick recovery.
Such a wonderful world.