A Study Of Jealousy ~ The Structure ChameleonI never wanna talk to you.
Never give a try.
You are killing me.
You are welcome,
Yes and no at the same time.
It is a flame. It is a voice. It comes with the thought.
What is she doing now? Not for me. Not with me. I am losing her. There is somebody better. There is somebody else.
The noise. The noise. The neighbors. The street. The fight. The snake. My head. My head. Overcrowded. My chest is burning. I am twitching inside. I am old. I am ugly. I am stupid. I am done. I am losing her...
WALL TO WALL
SCREAM AND NOISE
Pufffff after Pufffff.
I have to quit. I hate smoking. It is freezing out here. My bones are cracking. Yeah - winter.
Puffffff after Puffffff.
Actually it is nice. Sunny but cold. Little bit controlled a pain. Much better. Much better. Something on my own. I got to go inside. Clean my house. Do laundry. Keep busy. She doesn’t want me anymore…
What the **** was that?
Puffffff after Pufffff
Cleaning the floor in the kitchen.
Tile after tile. Removing all the stains, all the dirt. Slowly, methodically. Tile after tile. I am too perfect. So stupid. It will be dirty again in no time. Tile after tile. Scratching the surface with the finger. What a ****** stain. More water. Let it soak. More scratching . Gone. Now wipe it nice. Great! Looks good. Tile after tile. Endless job. But it is clean now.
Why she is not talking? To whom does she sends her smile? To whom does she shows her affections, her kindness? Who is now in the field of her beauty? Not me. Not me. I will push her away. I will show that I don’t care. I will blame all on her...
You!!! You!!! Don’t touch her. Even with your eyes. She is mine.
Let it dry. Let it dry. I can’t walk over here now.
Water is running. I am wasting too much. I shouldn’t run water all the time. Just soak dishes in the water and next wash and rinse. Water is running. One plate. Soap. All around. Up and down. Rinse. More soap. And again and rinse.
Hmm – this sounds like madness.
I wish her to be free and I can’t stand… I can’t stand the thought that she won’t come back. But when she is back I am mad first and pretend like - I don’t care, like - I am detached and ignoring her.
I can’t get it. I think it is wrong but I can’t help it. Maybe, when she is finally with me I am mad for the things which I had lost. What I think I did lost and what I think she did without me. Everything looks suspicious. Everything looks not right.
She is giving to somebody else what only I should have!
Dishes, dishes make my wishes come through. Let me see the wisdom behind distress.
I can’t even tell her what I feel. It would kill all. It would be the end.
So, she has to be free and I am going to wash this fucken dishes and be cool. Just meditate and not bother at all.
Folding the laundry.
Cloth after cloth. Straightening all. Fixing the edges. All even and straight as much as possible. Even. Even. Nice and even. Like my mom taught me. She said at that time that my father was jealous. He saw all the evil in her and that is why she left. Even. Even. Nice and even. Now all is pressed down and is ready to go. Hmm. I may have the same problem.
Dust from the shelves. Dust from the tables, piano, TV. So much dust. Every day. I will message her. I will do it first. I will show that way - I am in power and control.
I will say, “What the **** are you thinking?”
No. Of course not. I will say, “I am doing good. I am glad that you are doing well too."
And I will not say - I love you as I always do. Yeah! This will make her thinking. She will think that maybe I too have somebody. She will message me quickly in a fit of all jealousy. She will be all over me. Maybe she will hit me in the face.
And she will say, “What are you thinking!!! You are so retarded!!!”
I would say laughingly and massaging my cheek, “What is the problem. I didn’t do anything.”
Nooo. Why should I be such a *****? I will say that I love her. I love her. Just that I miss her like crazy.
Dust. Dust. All is clean. All is past. I am going to message her now.
What the f…! There is an email from her about 2 hours old.
Hi. It is me. Did you forget about me? What are you doing there in your own world? I miss you. I am very jealous for some reasons now. It is killing me. I know it is not you. It is me. I guess if I won’t be so jealous, I wouldn’t love you so much.
Hmm. Woman. Woman. They are so jealous. So weak. Well - what can you do? You got to love them as they are.
Bolek 41-45, M 75 Responses 77 Jan 20, 2013