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This Part Of My Life

I have lived life fairly well. Nothing too tragic, or at least what i think it is. Truthfully, i began my life when i was a sophomore in high school. I am a person of few words. Calm on the outside, but a raging emotional and mental storm inside. Stereotypical. Inside, so angry, hateful and so indifferent. I simply did not care whatsoever about anything. But at the same time, i had things i held so dear; I would give it my all for these things. My being contradicts itself. I kept to myself, so much that i might as well have been invisible, nonexistent. Known, yet unknown.
I opened up sophomore year in high school. The strongest of relationships developed then. A woman, whom i call my beloved sister and teacher, has been there for me from freshman year till now, four years later. I love her dearly. A guy, one of the closest men to me, whom i can say what my heart needs to expel. A listening ear, a brother and friend, whom i have had the craziest adventures with. A girl. Yes, that girl. The one i fell in love with around mid sophomore year to early junior year. She was different. Truly innocent. A child-like cuteness. The beauty of a mature character. A loving heart for all. Some words that describe a figment of her character. This girl is the one i fell in love with.
Sigh. Love. I was different. Some things i was able to do only because of that love. Some things i learned about myself because of that love. I'm decent in writing poems, specifically love poems because i was the one in love. Life seemed so much simpler. I was in love and that was it. I didn't need to know anything else besides it. Every moment i had was spent thinking about her. She was the reason i lived.
I changed greatly in a short time. I went from a man of few words to a man of few sentences. I learned guitar and greatly improved my drumming skills. I can play both instruments quite well. I mentioned earlier about my poetic side. It also extends to my writing. Stories in my head just flow. I have creativity that is unmatched. Words. Music. Strengthened by love. Fueled by testosterone, i began to exercise and improve my body to be athletic. Although i do not play sports for school nor do i have the competitiveness required, i can say confidently that these things do not hinder my ability to engage in physical activity. In a short six months, i have changed dramatically.
Where there is light, there is a shadow. My shadows consisted of anger and lust. How frustrating and tormenting it was to live with these things. Anger dominated so many aspects of my life. In my words, thoughts, actions and intents of my heart was anger. Anger. Always ready to manifest itself in me. Lust. My tormentor. I struggled with it every day. I often questioned myself if it was lust or love for the girl. What was it? Am i respecting her with love, or demeaning her with my lust? Love is the conqueror of lust. Lust crumbles away in the presence of love. Love can do what lust could never do. Love is limitless. After weeks of struggle and torment, i finally came to the answer that it was love. The lust in me was diminishing from that point on. I loved her.
With new light, new strength, i loved her more. Her presence was enough to make me at peace. A simple thought of her could make me sigh of content. She made me smile. She was perfect to me. Of course, although i am somewhat a romanticist (or very romanticist), i am also a very heavy realist. Again, a contradiction. I know she is not perfect, she is far from it. But love looks at her through different eyes. It sees the brokenness and the shame but it doesn't ignore it. No, rather, love accepts it. Love does not blind you. Rather, it causes you to see clearly for the first time.
I doubted love greatly. I questioned its existence. Days without end, i asked myself if it was real. But who can deny it? What causes a family to stick together? What makes friends what they are? Why do people go so far for another person? Love. Love makes us stronger. Love makes us crazy. Love.
I kept my love from being known to her. It was a secret from her. Time comes when secrets are known. Love is made to be known. Eventually, it would be time to tell her of my love. Earlier, i mentioned myself being a man of few words. Partially it was because i was very shy. So for me to go to a girl and express my love was nearly impossible in my mind. I thought of how to express my love for her. Should i show it through music? Should i write her a poem? Or should be simple and straightforward?
Eventually my love was made known to her, though in a very lame way. I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was as if God was intervening to create the perfect moment for me. The situation was like that, yet i couldn't say it. I missed that opportunity and regretted it. My friend said that it would be better knowing what happened than wondering what could have been. Miraculously, another opportunity presented itself. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but i couldn't say it. I regretted it so much. Now for the most lamest way that a girl is made known about the love that someone has for her. The day after, at night, she started a chat. Yep. She was able to piece it together. In short, i was somewhat friend zoned for now. Not exactly friend zoned because she saw it as more of a brother sister relationship. For now because neither of us know what the future holds. Only God knows that. So as brothers and sisters of Christ we lived.
There was much more to my life than just love during this time. Music was a great part. I can not and will not live without music. My life had changed drastically. It wasn't all good change. I caused some trouble too. But i have no regrets anymore. Who i am has changed. Who i will be will most likely be different from who i am today, but i pray that it will be better than who i am today.
deltadkm deltadkm 18-21, M Feb 6, 2013

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