I Believe, But I Don't Know What It Is

I've always believed that love was more powerful than anything, and that true love does exist.  I've had quite a few stabs at love, and every time I do, it's different.  My views on love are always evolving to fit with the experiences I have had.

My first "love" was when I was fairly young.  It was blind and trusting and forgiving.  The relationship lasted a year and a half before I discovered she cheated on me.  I closed my heart, stopped trusting, and for a while, love no longer became part of the equation.

My next love wouldn't be for almost 5 years.  Until which, the relationships were always light and I would back out of them if things started to get too serious.  I think I became afraid of love, because true love means you have to trust the person with your heart.  I just couldn't do that anymore.

Then I met my ex wife.  Things started slow - as friends only, but developed.  At the time, it was the strongest love I ever had.  Despite having secret doubts, I was convinced I loved her enough that the rest didn't matter.  After 7 years together (4 of them in marriage), The love had completely gone away.  I spent 2 years, my love for her completely dead, hoping it would rekindle, without success.  And that was when I learned my second lesson.  Love comes in varying strengths.  Simply loving someone is not enough.  You must have a fierce, deep love if you wish it to last, and you must work at it to keep it alive.  If you do not, the flame will go out, and it is nearly impossibly to light again.

After the separation, I met a woman.  The relationship started out purely physical as a "just for fun" type of relationship.  Then, after a few months, she came out in admittance that she loved me.  I was developing feelings for her, and while they were not strong, I did love her.  A little.

Things progressed, our love grew with each blowout fight and make up.  I quickly found out that I loved her more strongly than I had ever felt before.  We became completely obsessed with each other, but, like me, she was emotionally unavailable and had some intimacy and trust issues.  I decided that I could wait for her to get over them.  I started putting my trust in her, promises were made, but never fulfilled.  Then, I started doubting her.  The trust began to falter, and despite knowing deep down that the love we shared was crumbling, I tried to hold the relationship together.  Finally, she admitted her lies, all in an effort to keep me from leaving, and I did what was best for both of us.  I ended it.  I learned that day that even the strongest love will fail, if there is not a two way trust, openness, and sharing.

And so, I find myself hiding behind my shell again, waiting for love, and hoping the lessons I have learned will help me find real, true, and lasting love rather than corrupting me into passing up on something good just because it isn't what I think it should be. 

SpiritualFighter SpiritualFighter
26-30, M
1 Response Feb 13, 2010

You can't have love without trust, and for me, trust takes time. I don't think it's possible to love someone you've only known for a few weeks. It takes time and work to build a relatioship to that point, and you have to continue making an effort to keep the fire going.