I Believe Even In The Face Of Doubt

I believe in love very much.  First know I am in love with my childhood sweetheart. This however came a few years late and as a result he has a very wonderful son in which i am crazy about.

 

The other night my dad confessed to reading my mom's "Self" magazine and told me to read an article . "Find a man fall in love. Then meet his son>"

For the people who know me, it I am sure was a shock to find out I was dating and in love with a man who had a child as this for many many reasons was a deal breaker. Mostly because with child comes baby momma drama (in which i am in no short supply of) and lets face it no little girl grows up dreaming of someday being a step-parent.



Yet, here I sit head over heels in love with a man who has a two year old son. I love the idea of him being a packaged deal.( I am unsure if I will ever be able to bear my own children) I know it is going to be a struggle sometimes. I however would be lying if I said I didn't have honest to god real concerns. For one just knowing where I fit into this little family unit. I am well aware and accept (most of the time) that I will never be numero uno in his eyes the same way he is in mine. Sometimes I get frustrated (no one is perfect and I'm learning) LOL. I would never subtract his son ever. (I was crazy about him before I met his son) but after watching him with his son- so many of the reasons i love this man is because of how he is with his son. I sometimes find myself fighting to figure out boundaries with his son and baby momma situation.I feel dis-empowered because well I am dis-empowered. This woman I do not know plays a role in my life and I don't care for the amount of control she has over it at all. Truth be told this bothers me A LOT and in many ways i also realize that it shouldn't't. My place is to support and love my man at the same time the whole situation affects my life and from that stand point I feel helpless and i absolutely hate that.

I look at my own mother and have no idea how she did it with my sisters (step sisters). It was easier for my dad (step-dad). I didn't ever have a dad so he filled shoes that had laid vacant for 18 years. So, having him enter my life was such a treat and joy for me. I didn't have resentment  towards him. My sisters (they still refer to me as their stepsister and i refer to them as my sisters) they have a mom so my mom coming into the picture was seen as an attack of their fathers attention. They are close to their mom and so my mother became the intruder and they have spent a good few years ironing out this very issue. Before her they had their fathers 100 percent attention.

 

I am sure I will run into this same situation with his son at age 6 even though i am around now. I would never want to replace his mother.. He has a mother and although I have some serious personal opinions about her as a person and as a mother it is not my place or my right to voice those nor would i ever to his son. He has a mother who despite  my own thoughts loves him. My goal with him is to be a friend a mentor and to be a positive in his life as he is to my life. The simplicity in that is almost to easy to grasp.

In that struggle I fight to hold on to me and not get consumed by it vastness of the situation in which i have not been in before. I maintain my personal goals to finish school so that I can better myself and my new little family unit. Move, enjoy being loved, and enjoy living each moment possible as the moments that we often forget are the ones that generally mean the most.

I fight the doubts and the mean and yet truthful things I would love to say to certain parties. I fight my fears of making past mistakes. I am trying very hard to hold on to the glimpses of hope and even more to the easiness of being stagnant. I maintain that the more I learn and grow the better off I will be.Remind myself that with anything new comes with risks. I would rather live knowing I risked it all on the love of this beautiful man and his wonderful little boy, than spend a million lives never having known this kind of love.

With each passing day I become more and more sure of the realness of this relationship and of the love I have for these two. I know sometimes that the situation is hard for everyone involved as all of us in this situation have never been in it and I am sure none of us ever thought we would be in it. Alas here we all are muddling through with hope, fear, concerns, joy, frustration, exhilaration, and mostly love.

So I believe very much in love and in the importance of each little moment. Till next time

~Suzie

suzzie1107 suzzie1107
22-25, F
Mar 8, 2010