Constant Craving

Mary, Thank you for reading this whole long thing. We did save our girls--they needed homes, did not come from nice backgrounds, and they would have languished. I feel fulfilled in that sense, that I did my duty as a mother, and the fact that it has been so hard, harder than we ever could have imagined just means that I was suited to my calling.( I like a challenge.)

But adoption is tough and not all kids handle it well. I do think, well, I pray, that someday (if not now) they will appreciate what their father and I did to try and give them a life. With age comes perspective. That can only work in my favor. Thanks again for lifting me today.

May God bless you for raising your two adopted daughters. God bless you! You may have saved those children. And, I know they are not easy to raise from your stories. They will love you ever more for what you've given them. Be thankful for them. They are gifts.

You're on Jack. A hug is what I need.

But all this craving and moaning is a drag.

I could use a laugh too. That is why I alternate between morose and idiotic most of the time. Enough already about the meaning of life. Time for another installment of "Everyday Misadventures" haha.

Quick! go read something funny!

After reading a sample of your writings....and being as empathetic as you...I just want to give you a good long hug. Bring to you the emotional & physical connection we both need.



(Now back to reading your lighter writings....sponges all neatly arranged.)

It might interest you to know that you just made me cry--but in a good way. I was only recently reminded of this story and it is ...emotional.

But I am doing the best I can, and I thank you for affirming that.

Thank you for reading and for commenting in such a nice way. You touched me.

There is nothing I could give back to you that could equal what you give the world. I don't think I can come up with a worthy comment for you...you are doing life right.

You're making me blush, but---it is no coincidence that you are bringing me back to all of these stories I wrote during my last bout of depression.

I write happy stuff too you know...

And I even find a way to laugh on occasion.

I thank you, again.

Truly amazing and honest.

:)

I know you understand. My little one will tolerate a hug, and is getting better about touching, but she has always had sensory issues, so I take whatever I can get.

I suffered for many years with baby envy, so I learned to stop looking too closely at other moms with their children

It is hard.

Hugs back at you, and thanks for understanding and commenting. I like when people say "I know where you're coming from."

Quinn...you captured your feelings beautifully here. I know exactly what you're talking about when it comes to bonding and touch with a newborn. I was blessed with the ability to give birth to a child, and trust me...it was an experience like no other and I'll cherish it always...but all the physical connection I experienced with my little baby was experienced in utero. The moment he was born he wanted to be as far away from me as possible. He screamed when I held him, touched him...when breast feeding he would push his body away so that only his mouth touched me. I used to lie there and cry...wishing for his little hand to touch me in love and comfort.



The other day I picked up said baby, now almost seven years old, from his sitters house. She has a year old little guy who clings to her skirts wherever she goes. She sits, he crawls into her lap. I was watching him with her yesterday and saw that he found great comfort in playing with mom's ear lobe while he sat on her lap. It struck up such a yearning feeling in me I almost burst into tears with want. I didn't realize how much missing that with Colt affected me.



I'm on too many meds to ever get pregnant again. I'll never have that closeness either...and I did give birth. I know where you're coming from. xx



Thanks for sharing that lovey. (Hugs you!)

Thank you. I am okay with my life. Like everyone I just get down sometimes, usually when I focus too much on the past.

Revelations are good, and learning is always good. I learn something new every day.

It keeps life interesting; that's why you and I get along. We have a similar outlook on all of this.

Me too a born student. I am never happy unless I am learning something. Learning is what keeps you young, or at least grows new brain cells that are daily dying. As long as you are learning you are grabbing at life. You are riding the crest of that wave with the best view. Great outlook. I admire and strive to follow your path. Whenever I'm a little down I am glad for friends like you that won''t allow me to stay there long.

You are a natural mother. Don't think for a minute that you are missing out. Your efforts will not go unnoticed by your adopted children. It may seem different in your mind but your heart and the heart of your children are ignorant of this distinction. You matter.

You always make me feel good, quick with a compliment and a great friend to me, always. Thank you.

We help one another (and you know it). I just come across as a bossy, know-it-all which is probably why you mistook me for your mom.

I love you.

Now go brush your teeth and get ready for bed.

Absolutely stunning writing, my dear friend. I love this, and I love you. You are the most loving, nurturing individual I have ever come across. You were born to mother,...perhaps you never gave birth, but you mother so many, me included at times.



I have a wonderful mother already, but I've often wished that I'd had the experience of having you for a mother.

Alluneed. You and I have to be careful not to get too introspective. There is such a thing--if you overthink that which might have been in your life. It's dangerous, emotionally. Better to work on accepting. It's okay to look back and be sad, as long as it doesn't consume you, you know?

Love you.

Thanks you guys. I have a tendency to delete stories in which I reveal a weak, whiny, woe-is-me side of myself because I don't usually like to confront that publicly. It gets old, I feel.

But I like this story because it speaks to the bigger picture about how we all interact. Everyone has experiences and we all have issues resulting from those experiences, it's a fact.

But when you are able to dissect it all and say to yourself, "oh, so that's why I do that." Well, I think that's cool. If you understand yourself it makes it easier to begin to understand other people.

Thanks again.

This was very moving. Thanks!

I thank you Cherry. I do think that I was brought here to this place in my life so that I could help myself heal through helping others. It is a miracle, all of it, the revelations, the actuality. Still, thank you for pointing it out, how I will be around them, offering the excess love that I have...just when they need it most.

Also, I meant to say before and forgot. Some people do naturally crave physical touch (all babies do, or they will die) but some people recoil.

It is pretty obvious which category I fall into when you meet me in person. As it turns out, that is plus in this job.

And thank you so much for your kind words. I am really getting choked up over here. The holes are filling. It's all good.

You know what I did after reading this story? I went to hug my son, but I couldn't see much, because tears blurred my vision.



My son is almost 5 now, but our beginnings weren't easy. I breastfed him for 9 months but somehow, he didn't want it, and yet he cried because he was hungry. I guess I just didn't have enough milk, or he didn't like the quality of it, I don't know. The fact is, we both ended up crying almost every day during the first year of his life. I wish I had had a Companion like you by my side then...



I absolutely agree with WildeOscar - you didn't give birth to your children, but that doesn't change the fact that you ARE their Mom. Probably the best Mom they could ever dream of...And you know what? I believe that life often gives us what we want, although sometimes it comes in a completely different form than we might have expected. You haven't given birth to a child, and now you are given a chance to assist women who have. To help them, to connect with them, to be their Companion. Obviously, it's not the same, but can you see the connection? Have you wondered why this chance has been given to YOU? Can you see the miracle in it? Stupid questions - of course you can - after all you have put the story about your new job in the 'I believe in miracles' group...



We haven't talked for a long time yet, but to me, you are already special. I so much wish you could see that too. You are a blessing to all those people in your new job. They are lucky to have met you. And so are we, here.



And I'm very, very sorry for your heart holes, Quintesse...I hope they will be filled completely one day.

Most days I feel pretty fulfilled with the way I was destined to become a mom. I have accepted it. I just get a little weepy sometimes when I think about what I missed.

It is the same for moms and dads Oscar, as you know. They recognize their parents voices and bond instantly with their scent , their "feel."

I know you understand me and get what I'm saying.

Touch is real.

Thank you b for always being there for me and for listening. I am here for you too.

Quint, you pour yourself into your stories, and you have the ability with words to bring yourself to life on the screen for others to ponder, admire, have feelings for, and occasionally disagree with. Not being a mother, but having been there since the beginning with my own two children, I can identify fully with everything you have written. It is all true, except that I must say that you are as much mother to your children as anyone ever was. You did not create them from your own flesh, and you did not nurse them at your breast, but you rescued them from fate uncertain, and that means at least as much. You wanted them, them in particular.



I have lately been pondering this thing that is "human touch." Love is grand and kindness and honesty are also. However, they can be false or fleeting. Touch is real, and we all crave it. Thank you for placing this touch so beautifully into words.

We are listening, still.



love and grace and peace to you, sweet lady.

b

Thank you N0.

It is emotional, these kinds of realizations, but I think having them is really important, even if they hurt. Some people are afraid to dwell, for fear of pain resurfacing. I say face it, live it, cry it out, and then know that you are closer to understanding the meaning of life and you are probably a more compassionate person because you can understand those same feelings when you see them in others.

Hugs right back at you.