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Standing Up For Monogamy

First of all, let me confess that, as a man, I feel my back against the wall just a little bit as I prepare to contribute this experience. 

I've watched the shows that explain this primitive instinct men supposedly have to want to copulate with as many women as possible, to ensure the survival of the species.  I haven't met any guys who explained it to me like that, however.  It's more along the lines of "I want as many girls as possible for the variety, fun, because women are so hot, how can you settle for just one, and because sex is so much fun, so why not spread it around?"  We're not just talking about one or two guys, either.  Nearly all of them, even if they don't express it explicitly, jump on this cruise.

S  I  G  H

I should say, as well, that I'm not some squeaky-clean do-gooder with a conscience of gold, or a Conservative religious fanatic (I know I'll hear back about that one).  Monogamy is my personal choice. 

Because, first of all, no one has demonstrated that the alternative is better.  So there.

Second of all, when I get along with a woman so well, and everything clicks, there is no motivation -- AT ALL -- to go looking for another, because there's nothing missing!  I get all I need out of one woman.  Lets face it, guys, when a woman sticks her talons into you, it's not because she wants to give you any excuses to go looking.  If she likes you, she will twist herself like a pretzel, if need be, to make you happy.  I'd do the same for her, too.

There's an expression (the poet William Blake coined it, I believe):  You never know what is enough, unless you know what is more than enough.  Which leads to my final reason for choosing monogamy.  When it comes to a good woman, one at a time IS more than enough.  Never mind your soap operas and cheaters reality t.v. programs.  If you and she have clicked, you both work at it, and the relationship-world has become your oyster, why would anyone try tempting the devil?  There's something to be said for the expression "two's company, three's a crowd."  The brief, out-of-control excitement people must experience when fooling around just isn't worth the let-down, danger, or destructive fall-out.  (Your woman has her talons dug in you, remember?  Don't think, driven far enough, that she won't use them.)  It really is playing with fire.  All it takes is one wayward match . . .

Anyway, I've gone on for too long, sounding like I need to defend my position rather than just stating it.  Hooray for monogamy!

UnderEli UnderEli 41-45, M 16 Responses Jun 10, 2009

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Totally agreed, man :3 I hate cheating. A guy cheated on my sister once and she had a long period of depression, resorted to SI, and almost tried to kill herself because of it. She felt like she wasn't enough, and the guy did -nothing- to try and help her or apologise or anything. I ended up breaking his nose and a couple of ribs :P

Oh, dear! While I don't recommend assaulting a cheater, just about everyone will say he was asking for it. I'm sorry about your sister. I hope she's doing better now, and discovered that his cheating on her only had to do with him, and nothing to do with her?

Yeah, she's fine now. :P Still hasn't totally gotten over it, as she's still afraid of relationships, but she's not gonna hurt herself.

The following pertains to monogomy only in the context of an existing commited relationship, in which both parties have commited to this "type" of many possible relationship styles, the whole equation changes if both parties "want" to voluntarily involve others, like swinging etc...... I have always belived that there was someone special in the world with whom I could enjoy a happy life with together. Life is after all a journey from the begining of our time, to the end of our time on this earth, so why not share it with someone special? I thought that I had found this person, and I selected her so carefully from the many fish in the sea. Then I was married and happy at first in my present relationship, until she became more and more emotionaly abusive over time.After a while I noticed a painful almost complete lack of empathy from her, towards me and others as well, which later turned out to be one of the classic manifistations of an afair. When all was revealed one painful truth at a time, I felt like my entire marriage was an illusion in a way, filled with nothing but deception, deceit, and betrayal. She slept with the guy one time, but the whole episode appeared to be orchestrated with incredible precision, to inflict as much pain and suffering as possible, this still baffles me? She has what I would best descibe as mild histrionic personality disorder, with a well developed textbook somatiform disorder. It is almost like there are two seperate people inside of her, one evil and lacking in empathy for all others, who even takes pleasure from others pain and suffering. The other person is simply the woman of my dreams.We are now trying to reconcile, but it has been very hard because; the intensity of the pain of infidelity is just impossible to describe in word. In my experience my healing started with intense sadness and an extreem feeling of loss, then it moved on to anger with an extreem sense of injustice. Finally the intensity has waned enough, to render me functional again, for most of the day. Trust however is still a long, long, way away, I am not there yet, and who knows if I will get there. Another thing that has changed is that now I feel like I always have one foot out the door so to say, in other words the thought of ending the relationship is now acceptable under certain conditions in my mind, especially if anything else traumatic is thrown into my lap.This all leads me to a theory, which is that there is a direct link between a persons ability to have empathy for others, and monogamy (at least the honesty component of it). In other words if a person has the ability, and the will to feel empathy for others, then they will NOT step outside of the relationship, unless it is desired, and monogamy will simply be their reality.The male friends who I have known, (who have cheated), all have done so for the thrill, and for the rush of adrenalin which comes when the wall between two people comes down in that hotel room etc. Afterwards they generaly feel like crap, and they feel they are less of a man, in even their own eyes, even though they may brag about it, you can just see it in their eyes . The ones who do so in a predatory sense, generaly seem to be insecure in this world in general, and they always appear to be searching for an answer to a question which they themselves do not even seem to know, thus they switch religons, and engage in other similar behaviors etc. The strange part is that these same guys seem to get all the ladies, which is very strange indeed, maybe some of the ladies can answer that one?<br />
So to close I still believe in love, and in monogamy "if" this is the type of relationship that they want. Part of really living is exposure, there really is no safety in life, sometimes to love you just have to risk getting burned badly, the hard part for me is in remembering that the problem was the individual person who burned me, and not the world of women, many of whom have suffered the same fate as I. I feel in conclusion that there is a direct link in a persons level of empathy to others, to their ability to handle and practice monogamy, or any other type of "honest relationship". You just cannot have it both ways, no empathy = no type of honest relationship.

Part of falling in love is taking the risk of becoming vulnerable, and I'm sorry to hear you were burned so badly. As you said at the top of your reply, there are different kinds of relationships people may have, if both partners are in agreement and choose something other than monogamy. If it makes them happy, that's great. The more power to them.

For most people, though, I think monogamy is what's expected. I couldn't handle anything else.

Bravo

Thank-you for your feedback, Treppy. I'm not religious either. I don't think that has much to do with it, though. You know, I heard a joke once that goes "If infants enjoy infancy so much, why can't adults enjoy adultery?" To me, however, it isn't a choice. I continue to stand by my guns on this one. I will find all the happiness I'll need in a monogamous relationship. The alternative is just too messy!

Amen brother! I am a strictly monogamous female in a relationship with a strictly monogamous man.<br />
We are both not religious people but we find the bond that comes from only being with one another to be second to none. I find cheating disgusting and not worth it. I am satisfied with my sexual life and if it loses a little spark we can just find another way to rekindle it. Its simple really. I commend you for speaking out on this subject.

Amen brother! I am a strictly monogamous female in a relationship with a strictly monogamous man.<br />
We are both not religious people but we find the bond that comes from only being with one another to be second to none. I find cheating disgusting and not worth it. I am satisfied with my sexual life and if it loses a little spark we can just find another way to rekindle it. Its simple really. I commend you for speaking out on this subject.

Thank-you both for your feedback. Alas, I do not know where to find more men who feel this way. I suspect a lot of them are to be located in monogamous relationships already. <br />
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Thanks for the compliments. I continue to lie low regarding starting a long-term relationship. If it works it's wonderful, but I'm also someone who dives head first into the maelstrom of wishing to belong to someone. There are too many sharp rocks and sharks for me to take such a risk too quickly. So I wait -- perhaps a little too patiently? Sure, there's heart-ache and longing for that perfect situation to spring to the sky, like Jack's beanstalk! At the same time, I'm not interested in potentially harming a woman I would chance capturing such intense intimacy with, only to have it crumble into the wet sand. I'm also taking care of myself. I think I'm too important to risk hurting that badly.

Now my only question is... Where do I find more guys like you?

Glad to see a man who believes in monogamy, and I thought he would be a mythical creature!! I'm tired of seeing guys with roving eyes..<br />
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It's nice to be with someone you can trust completely and be able to give your heart completely, and I only think this is possible when the man feels secure and whole enough to give himself completely to one woman too, and doesn't `keep looking' for something better that's out there. <br />
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You've inspired me to not completely give up hope on men :) <br />
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Kudos UnderEli! You deserve the best woman in world!! :)

LOL. Well, yeah . . . I suppose so. The thing is, when she's right for me, I really don't mind. I've given my heart to her anyway -- I've become willing to take that chance. It didn't just happen, of course. This has developed over a bit of time (and I don't mean just over drinks ;o ). By the time she has my heart in her talons, I'm pretty sure she's right for me. And if she wants me to treat her heart the same way, she'll be gentle with those claws of hers.

I never knew I could find a situation where it only gets better as time goes on... the feelings, the connection and the depth of devotion... so those talons are straight through the heart!

Me neither. I can't see any "fun" in betraying someone I'm already sharing myself with. The pain of betrayal would be far worse, and would weigh too much on my conscience.

Well said - I could never trade a little fun for all the pain it would cause for her, our kids, and me. Nothing is worth that!!

Thank-you both. You know, it really comes down to choice, I think. Work at a relationship and it will give back ten-fold. Fool around, and you risk losing it all. The choice is pretty simple, at least to me. What I said about one woman at a time being more than enough is really key for me. If she loves me the way I'm going to love her, there isn't any need for my eye to wander.

Salute, UnderEli. As you've noted, it's not easy to state this, being a guy.<br />
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I know that not all guys feel the way polygamous guys do but it's nice to see one!

applauds