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It Makes Sense If You Want Your Marriage to Work

I want my marriage to work.  I want it to be happy.  I want it to have longevity and I want it be a solid foundation for the rest of my life.

I cannot see how that could work if one or both of us decided that we would see other people.  I believe that it would create seeds of doubt, that would erode the trust that is essential for a marriage.  If she started cheating on me, I would always wonder, will she find someone who is better than I am. (Better can be anything from better in bed, to richer, to more handsome, or gives her something I can't.)  Would she leave me?  What if I found someone who was better?  Would I be content to stay with my wife who was not as good as my lover? 

I know some say that the cheating helps them, maybe it does a few, but there are a lot of people who say that cheating has ruined their life.  It may started out as a mutual decision, as something they thought would be good, but it bit them.  (I some how believe that half of the stories you read on the net about open marriages are fantasy or embellished.)

Hey, what I have may not be great, but I would never do something to sacrifice it.  I will stay true to my wife.

What you do is your business, but maybe you should think about it a lot before you do it.  Once you do it, it cannot be undone!

Longrun Longrun 46-50, M 13 Responses Aug 25, 2009

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I wanted to respond to this post but it is rather old, isn't it? So I will ask instead: Are you still faithful to your philosophy?

Yes, I am still living this way. We have been through some ups and downs and I still am faithful to her. I don't plan on changing anything soon. The only way that I would leave her is if she were to cheat on me or became a drug addict or abused our kids. I don't think that would ever happen.

It will not happen. I assume she might be around your age and if so any little crisis might be hormonal. Life is not kind to a woman's body. My Marriage was on shaky grounds for the first time in 20 years thanks to my depressions caused by hormonal changes. Exercise helps. Getting away helps.

Those hormones can be difficult. I think it has caused a few problems for us also. Sometimes I get frustrated with her, but we both took seriously the vows we made.

Being true and faithful to the person you marry is the best way. I have been married since my late teens. And we have that absolute mutual trust and respect for one another. Its important if one wants a long marriage to have that. You can have friends online, but always its the person that you are spending your life with that matters the most. Great post.

Thank you, it is not always easy. In fact sometimes it is down right hard, but I still believe that in the end, it will be a bigger pay off!

And..four and a half years later, do you still feel the same way?

Yes I do. In the last 4-1/2 years, we have had a lot of ups and downs. Some has been very stressful, some lonely, but in all of that I want my marriage to work, I want to be only with her and her only with me.

We have been married over 25 years now and I still love her and that love is much more mature than it was when we got married. I probably adore her body more now than I did 25 years ago. I drop everything to watch her change he clothes, if I can get close enough I hug her tight and kiss some exposed part.

Getting back to the main point, I do not see how bringing another person into our marriage would help us grow closer together. Another person would draw us apart, it would not bind us, it would divide us.

That is really nice, and I think that you are really lucky to still have such a strong marriage after 25 years. If you have no need for having any kind of connection outside of your marriage, then that's great. I think that there are many reasons that people seem to look outside their marriage and I've learned not to judge people, although like you - I've never had an affair (almost..but didn't). I think it really depends on the person, the situation and as long as no one gets hurt, I don't think it's the end of the world. I know that if my husband had an affair - I'd rather not know. What's the point? It might sound strange - but I don't need to know everything as long as we are strong. I suppose that some of us need to remember the feeling of a first touch, feeling the kind of chemistry and excitement of someone new - something we lose after being married after so many years. Sometimes it's really difficult to find everything that what we need in one person, no matter how perfect they are.. However, obviously not every one feels that way:-) and I'm really happy for you.

Thank you for your kind and insightful words. I appreciate them.
Our marriage is like most after more than 25 years, it has both it's strengths and weaknesses. We are committed to each other and instead of throwing each other to the side, we work on fixing it. We each have our problems with each other, but we both would rather be together than anything else or with anyone else.
Although I have to admit, if she cheated on me, I would have a huge problem with that. Not sure what I would do. The reason that would bug me so much is that part of my problem with her is she has a low sex drive and we have a low sex - no sex marriage. If I found out she was cheating on me, and I am dealing with that, I don't know.
I know not everyone feels like I do, but I also know that there are many studies out there that show that marriages have ups and downs and that if you stick it out, things will get better the vast majority of the time. Also various studies show that sexual satisfaction is greater in long term committed relationships. In the long run, I think monogamy is the best way to go.

I agree with your bottom line, about being monogamous. I guess I'm wondering (about my life and marriage) if it's really the right thing to stay put. In my case, I'm not sure - I love my husband, but I"m really not sure if I can lie with him for another 30 years (In fact, it scares me sometimes to imagine that, and never be with another man? I don't know if I can). You must really have a strong bond - and that it priceless.

you talk about better sexual satisfaction in the longrun but you have no sex in your marriage?

2 More Responses

Agreed.

Thanks

I've been with my husband for 13 years now. Once I began to notice a sickening gap growing between us as he slowly began to distance himself more and more...working extra hours, helping a friend fix a car, money missing with zero explanation nor reciept to balance our checkbook- I began looking for all the things I had done wrong or what it was that had made him start to enjoy time AWAY from our family, more so, me. Why? Not really believing for one moment that the excuses were true, I automaticaly felt there was someone else.I knew I was far from perfect but would he cheat on me? Oh my god, please, no... I thought to myself. I began to search. I started paying more attention to what I wore and how I pulled myself together. One day I decided to take a risk, go out on a limb and simply tell him I thought it to be ok if married folks slept with other people, as long as home stayed #1 on all levels. I had opened the door and started my now 3year journey to *MAKE* my husband see how cool I really was. LOL! Somehow believing this would make him appreciate me in a whole new way and he'd stop his secretive behavior that I let slowly kill the woman I once was and essentially destroyed our relationship. As if pretending I was ok with whatever he had been spending the majority of his time and a destructive amount of money would magically change him, and he'd stop. I soon found this was NOT THE CASE. My husband used this "disturbing, makes me sick that you're ok with that" false statement I so cleverly decided to use as the fix, had been turned and used against me. He was now disgusted by me, so he said, and more and more often used it as the begining to a fight he'd pick so he could leave. GGGREAT!! How smart am I? Year after year, I stuck by my "word" and stayed "true" to my beliefs. I gave into more character traits I never thought to be ok or becoming, I totally let go of who I was and transformed into someone I typically looked down apon and certainly would .

long run - I am in a 20yr marriage and I can say we were both so true to each other until 2 yrs ago when I started an affair, I dont really know how it happened started as friends, then flirting, and we have been intimate now for the last 2 yrs. We just recently decided to end it mostly because he could no longer stand living a double life. I miss him terribly, but i am relieved it never ruined my marriage. This other guy filled some void I hadnt even known existing, but I guess it did if I crossed that line. <br />
Would I get involved again with someone else, I dont think so, it actually is painful letting it go.

Longrun, I saw your post on my thread and wandered over. I LOVE your thoughts on this. My hubs and I are TOTALLY monogamous and LOVE it that way!! I'm not against "open" marriages for others but want no part of one for myself and hubs feels the same for a LOT of the reasons you stated. Nice piece of writing. I enjoyed reading it and the rest of the thread. It's nice when you find folks who have a "like mind." :)

Thanks Sierra. I think there are more of us around that think like us than you can guess. I have met a lot that feel this way.

That's nice to hear!! :)

Hi Longrun, You said, "Better can be anything from better in bed, to richer, to more handsome, or gives her something I can't." I agree with you completely! That is a healthy fear! I would always "wonder" in the back of my mind. <br />
I too am faithful to my husband and believe in monogamy. We have been married for almost 14 yrs; he asked me years before that, but I knew I wanted to be faithful, trustworthy and loyal to him always and I just wasn't there yet, so he had to wait a few more years.<br />
We were best friends for 10 yrs before we married; he knows EVERYTHING about me, and he knew I wasn't ready yet either. I am so glad he waited.<br />
I too believe that "open marriage" involves a lot of moral twisting, fantasy belief systems, anything that will make it "acceptable" in their minds. I believe they embellish the truth to fit their unfaithful needs; to make it acceptable between them.<br />
It's refreshing to see a man that believes in monogamy and is actually willing to say it out loud! Thank you so much for sharing. BTW, my husband shares your beliefs also; he was cheated on in his first marriage and it crushed him.<br />
Take care of you!

Thanks I2U! It amazes me that some many people on here think that sharing will be a benefit to them. I can see it might happen on occasions, but the odds have to be against it.

Hi Longrun, You said, "Better can be anything from better in bed, to richer, to more handsome, or gives her something I can't." I agree with you completely! That is a healthy fear! I would always "wonder" in the back of my mind. <br />
I too am faithful to my husband and believe in monogamy. We have been married for almost 14 yrs; he asked me years before that, but I knew I wanted to be faithful, trustworthy and loyal to him always and I just wasn't there yet, so he had to wait a few more years.<br />
We were best friends for 10 yrs before we married; he knows EVERYTHING about me, and he knew I wasn't ready yet either. I am so glad he waited.<br />
I too believe that "open marriage" involves a lot of moral twisting, fantasy belief systems, anything that will make it "acceptable" in their minds. I believe they embellish the truth to fit their unfaithful needs; to make it acceptable between them.<br />
It's refreshing to see a man that believes in monogamy and is actually willing to say it out loud! Thank you so much for sharing. BTW, my husband shares your beliefs also; he was cheated on in his first marriage and it crushed him.<br />
Take care of you!

" If she started cheating on me, I would always wonder, will she find someone who is better than I am. (Better can be anything from better in bed, to richer, to more handsome, or gives her something I can't.) Would she leave me?"<br />
<br />
I agree that open marriages or swinging are not cheating, but I also think they can ruin a marriage. My former marriage is a perfect example. Sometimes finding "someone better" or someone who gives you what your spouse can't, is just finding someone who doesn't want to swing and wants you all for themself. I mean, let's face it, if one or both of the spouses want to have sex with other people something is obviously missing. <br />
<br />
Assuming that having sex with other people is the only way to make a marriage great is absurd. I agree with you Longrun. I have seen it hurt far more marriages than I have seen it help. And that includes marriages that the spouses felt had no issues, and were good and strong before they started swinging or having an open marriage. Even though people do it together, many still have secret feelings about it that they withhold from their spouse. And you can believe that sex with your spouse is the best when you swing, but lets face it, if you are wanting to have sex with other people that obviously isn't true for at least one of you, and they are probably hiding that fact from the other and telling them the opposite to keep them happy. Once you find that person who is better (which may be inevitable), you will ALWAYS see your spouse as second rate which can never be a good thing. Many spouses go into it with doubts and concerns which become magnified. This often leads to insecurity or resentment which results in a breakdown of the marriage, and these things are not brought out into the open. Its like opening Pandora's box and setting things up for a downfall. Both spouses will often tell themselves, their spouse, and other people good things like takenheart does, when in reality they know it isn't entirely true. They try to convince themselves, just like they try to convince others, that everything is great and having sex with other people has made their marriage better, when deep down inside they know it isn't entirely true. <br />
<br />
There are many, many ways to make a marriage better both emotionally and sexually that don't involve having sex with other people. It takes good communication and work, but the result can be well worth the effort that the spouses put into it.

Ladyblue

I am pretty sure I agree with everything you said. I can't say that every open marriage leads to disaster, but I am sure that the vast majority of them lead to disaster.

My marriage would never survive an affair. I will not put my wife through that.

Takenheart - oh, I want great, I will keep trying for it, just is discouraging sometimes. I am not the type to give up.<br />
<br />
I think I understand your point about your marriage. It is an important difference.<br />
<br />
CDralph- I understand what you saying. T would scare me.

You prove my point NG - I am sorry that your X decided to through away someone Great, that being you, for something cheap, the other woman. I know you well enough to know he blew it!

I so agree in what you wrote. Speaking from experience when my now X wanted an open marriage... I never signed up for that... so now he is my X