I Have Lost God


My father always told me that GOD really only cares if you're good person at heart, to live by the golden rule "Do on to others...", and to have a one on one relationship with GOD. I always believed in GOD growing up but I didn't like going to church. I always felt that GOD was real but really didn't care about religion. I always felt him watching over me and taking care of me. When I used to pray as a kid, I always prayed to GOD but never to Jesus (to me it was easier to go direct to the source) and when I was a teenager and throughout my twenties, I prayed usually when I was in trouble.


To tell you the truth when I did pray to GOD, I always felt GOD'S presence and he would let me know everything would be alright. I would see GOD in the smile of a baby, the beauty of a sunset, and feel him in cool breeze on a hot day and in the love from my family and friends.  GOD would tell me even though I was doing bad things (sex, drugs, drinking, and many other stupid petty crimes, I luckily never got caught doing) he still loved and believed in me, GOD said he would wait until I was ready to accept him and let him into my life. I would remember praying "Please GOD get me through this night and I'll never do (whatever stupidity I got myself into) again!" At the end of the night or when the danger went away, I would thank him, he would forgive me, and the next night I would do it again. Every time GOD would still let me know everything would be alright he still loved and believed in me (even thought I felt I didn't deserve it) and one day I will be ready to be the good man he saw in me. 


Years later as my wife was pregnant with our first baby, I started wondering more about GOD and I felt it was time to give a little back to him. (I would still pray sometimes and have my one on one time with him to give thanks). My wife's family is very Christian (Baptist) and when they found out that I was reading the Bible they wanted to help. Like I said, I believed in GOD and I had my 1 on 1 relationship with him directly, which was fine with me. My wife's brother who is a minister told me there is no one on one with GOD. Everything had to go directly through Jesus and you have to believe the Bible as the only "TRUTH" and as Historical FACT. The thing is I never really believed that the Bible is the direct word from GOD because as real history tells us it has been changed and reworded and watered down to fit the church's agenda over the years. He even got me to believe that the GOD that I was talking to was not GOD at all but really the Devil because GOD (Jesus) would never tell you that it was OK not to go to church and to question the Bible. He said all that I learned about GOD from my Dad was wrong. He told me the only way to really connect with GOD was through Jesus. Those that don't believe that will never get into heaven no mater how good they are as people (even my DAD). This made me angry but I decided I would learn more about it before coming to a conclusion about the whole thing. I immersed myself in all that "Christian". I read Faith based books, the Bible, went to church every weekend, joined a bible study group, watched some Christian based TV, and even started listened to Christian music (which I am sorry to say annoys me). All this to get closer to GOD. The only part of the Bible that stuck with me was the Story of Jesus and how he preached about loving one another no matter what. How in the eyes of GOD we were all beautiful even if society scorned us. How even after he was wronged and tortured, he still forgave us. 


With this new respect I had for Jesus, the birth of my son, and the pushing by my wife's family, I  agreed to get baptized and be "saved". I still felt GOD'S presence and I felt him pushing me to do this even though in my heart I felt he would love me either way. So I went and took the plunge. I did feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, like I had washed away the guilt that I had for the stupid things I did in my youth. It was a great feeling that lasted...... about 30 seconds.


 When I go to church now I feel nothing, like it is a waste of time and the people are so fake especially when they lift there arms up in praise ( the one who does it the most and highest wins!). I know that they good people but I feel it is just a show for everyone else. To them you are only good if you believe like them, speak like them, listen to the same music as them. Forget ever, questioning anything the church tells you. DO AS YOU ARE TOLD!! Non believers, gays, and sinners are to be looked down on, pitied as the diseases they are. The only cure is their version of a pale faced, light  eyed, fair haired Jesus (that hates ****, Muslims, or any one else that doesn't believe in him).  it's sad how we as Christian have forgotten that main point of his teachings was LOVE. I really believe if Jesus was here he would tell us that we have it all wrong. The gifts he brought to us were for everyone to enjoy. 


 Now over a year later I feel like I have lost that 1on1 connection I had with GOD.  When I pray I don't feel like I'm being heard anymore, like I'm leaving a message form him on an answering machine that he just deletes my message when I say "Hi GOD, its me..". I feel an empty space in my soul where my GOD used fit right in. It makes me sad because I feel I lost my hope and a great friend. 


On the other hand, sometimes I think that all the time before I was "saved" GOD had to watch over me. Now that I am "saved" and in better place in my life. He has moved on to someone who needs him more. But I still do need GOD'S guidance more then ever. I just need a sign that he still cares, that feeling in my heart of his presence, a cool breeze on hot day. Anything...... 


Thank you letting me vent. I would love to know if there is anyone who feels the same way. 

lostlost lostlost
4 Responses Mar 4, 2009

So relieved to hear God answered your call! My sister is a baptist christian and she's mad at me for calling her that. she says she just plain loves God because He loved her first. she said the bible says; draw near to GOD and He will draw near to you.. seems like that is what you were doing from the start. <br />
<br />
I was told by an older priest once that if you think you lost something (faith) go back to where you first found it. Did not make sense to me for a long time.<br />
<br />
I am struggling to find peace with God too. I am gay..well bisexual..and hope He will accept me. I want to accept Him, Jesus, whatever, but I too hate church and all that goes with it. I like to read the bible though I don't understand a lot of it. Love the gospels though.<br />
<br />
Long story short, I think the baptists are doing what the catholic church did way back when they had the most power over the church. Seems like, out of FEAR, they are imposing their rules and concentrating on them way too much over what Jesus is really all about: forgiveness and love.<br />
<br />
I am sure there is a standard Christians are trying to cling to and that is where they all get into trouble. They may be saved, but they are still sinners. Just watch them in private.<br />
<br />
now im not bad mouth christians, my sister is one and she is the only one out of my family who has befriended me even though i am out of the closet. Go figure! She says Jesus loves me no matter what. I know she believes He can change me if I'll let Him, but we've left that conversation for another day....whew thank God! <br />
<br />
So that's my two cents for whatever its worth. your story really touched me deeply. Glad you wrote it for us.

UPDATE:<br />
I went out side last night to my porch to have a cigarette. The night was quite and calm and cool (I live in Miami). I decided to ask GOD (one last time) if he was there and that I really needed to feel him. Once I said this I heard the wind blowing in the trees. I looked up and could actually see the wind rolling over the tops of the trees, coming at me. I asked "is that you GOD" and right then the breeze reached me (and for a lack of a better word) hugged me!! I felt him again with me!! Instead of "praying to him" I just spoke to him like I used to before. The amazing thing is when I spoke to him there would be no wind and when it was his turn I swear the wind would start blowing hugs my way that would send a tingle of love down my spine. I felt he wanted me to know that he didn't care that I didn't like church or didn't agree with all of the Bible. If that was stopping me from seeking him then I shouldn't do it anymore. We are all different, and it is not how one speaks or searches for GOD but the fact that they actually try that matters. I thanked him for showing up and felt him say "I missed you too. I 'll see you tomorrow" I went back inside with a big smile on my face knowing that. <br />
<br />
I look forward to it. <br />
<br />
For those that sent me kind words, thank you.

You didn't lose God. You lost your way. God is always there. I equate God with love, not with some building or dogma or anything else, just love. I find more spiritual feeling walking in the woods than I ever did in a church building. I don't know what or who God is. The Bible tells us we can't even know His true name. I do know that He/She IS there, waiting for us and I know that God equates to love. Take care - I think you will find your way back.

sometimes I have felt that same way,,,but God never leaves,he is with you,always,,,where ever you are he to is there,,,don't give up on the feeling ,,,some church people say feelings you can not base everything on your feelings,,,I always found that strange,,,because I feel way to much,,,and I can not shut it off,,,