Life And Death With My Father

Growing up with my father was strange. At no time did I really feel I was needed or wanted in his life. He made life difficult for all his children, but for me, he seemed to go that extra mile. From the age of five, I noticed that his favorite term for us, his children, was the word: "Stupid". I would often hear him talk with his friends about how stupid his children were. He always said it loud enough so everyone could hear. It was upsetting because at the age of five I wasn't sure just how else I was suppose to behave. All I knew was that no matter what I did, my father was not impressed and he often told me how disappointed he was.

As time went on, we just stopped trying to impress him. He was just the man who lived in our house, who we called "father", but beyond that, we tried to not bring on his wrath. When he really got angry, we headed for the hills. He screamed and turned bright red -- we often thought he would have a heart attack when he was in a rage. It was best to just ignore him and slip by unnoticed. We were often told how useless we were, so we just got to the point where we stopped trying. My brother told me he stopped trying when he was 9 years old.

The day I moved out, he called me over and took me aside. I thought it was going to be my father-to-son talk, but it wasn't. He proceeded to poke me in the chest with his finger while stating: "You go out. (poke) you find a job. (poke) you get married. (poke) you raise three kids. (poke) you see what its like!". Then he left. Those were the most words he spoke to me almost a year. There was some obvious angry and insecurity working within him, but I have no idea what it was. Our relationship was never good. For the most part, he just ignored me and often pointed out that all his kids disappointed him. That was a running theme throughout our lives. A lot of anger that came from somewhere, but he never let on from where.

About seven years ago my father died. He had sudden heart failure, unexpectedly, and went into a coma. This occurred exactly one week after his doctor stated that my father's physical and blood tests showed that he would live to be 100 years old. He never recovered and died almost 25 years short of his 100th birthday. We gathered around him in his hospital bed. He lived about 24 hours before dying, never coming out of the coma. His family was almost all there. One of my brothers was away. He called the hospital, but showed no interest or emotion that his father was dying. He was more interested in how much our father was worth. He seems to be counting the days to his inheritance. After my father passed away, and when everyone else had left, the room was dim and quiet. I noticed that no one seemed to really care. Their conversations were not about my father. I stayed back. I placed my hand on my father's head and said, "Goodbye, father". This was the first time I had physically touched my father in over 25 years. It felt odd. Then I left. I cried later that night. It was the first time I had cried in many years. My life had just changed. Many things remained unsaid. However, it felt as if something was wrong. It felt like the relationship was wasted and unnecessary. I couldn't explain it then, and I have a hard time explaining it now. The relationship my father had with his children was a wasted relationship. The potential was there, but it was thrown away. He lacked the emotion necessary to make it work. We were just not worth his time. It felt all wrong and the fault was on my father. He made it very difficult for anyone to get close. He never left an opening. He just simply did not care.

Three years after my father passed away, I booked an appointment with a psychic. I hadn't seen a psychic up to that point in my life in over ten years. I felt it was time to go again. A friend recommended a psychic to me, so I went. It took almost 2 weeks to get an appointment, but the reading was good and shockingly accurate. She picked up on several events in my recent life and made predictions that may still occur in the near future. We will see. The Fall of 2011 was supposed to be a time of change, and yes, there is change happening -- all of it good, so far. Near the end of the reading she suddenly stated that my father was here and he wanted to say something. I was shocked. I had never been to a psychic before who made a claim that a relative, from the beyond, wanted to communicate with me, but then, I have not had many relatives who have passed to the other side. It felt like a hoax, straight out of a movie, but I said I would be willing to listen. The psychic said, in a cautionary tone, "Ah, it appears all he really wants to say is that he is sorry". The words went through me like a hot knife through butter. Me? Just Me? Is he only apologizing to me? The psychic said, yes. She went on to say that he is not apologizing to your brothers. How did she know I had brothers and no sisters? She then stated that your father did nothing to raise you. He made promises before you were born that he did not keep, and he wants to apologize. I was speechless. It could still be a hoax, but I went along. What else could I do?

Six months later, I went to see a different psychic and halfway through this reading she stopped and said, your father is here. He is saying he is sorry. He keeps saying he is sorry over and over again. She had a puzzled look on her face as if I was suppose to know what it was all about. She then stated that he tried talking to you when you were young, but you and he just argued. This was true, but the way it usually worked was my father always put me down and then tried to get me to do what he wanted. He never asked, he just ordered. As I grew older, I started to stand up for myself and as a result, we tended to argue. My father hated it when anyone disagreed with him. You could never talk to my father. I heard a number of people state this over the years -- you just had to listen to him. That was the only option he gave you.

Six months later, yet again, I saw another, different, psychic. She was very different from the other psychics I seen previously. She was Austrian, about 5 feet tall and about eighty years old. She came across as the grandmother everyone wanted in their lives. Near the end of the reading she suddenly stopped, put down her tarot cards, and looked me straight in the eyes. She then spoke, "I rarely use profanity in my life", she stated, "but in your case I will I have to make an exception". "Your parents. . . " she paused, and took a deep breath, "they ****** you over". "I have never seen a situation like yours before", she stated. She went on to say, "Your parents made many promises before you were born. That was the reason why you chose your parents, because of the promises they made to help you fulfill your life goals. They were suppose to teach you, nurture you throughout your childhood, but their main purpose was to teach you how to love, but, I am afraid to say, its as if they just turned their backs on you. its as if they just didn't care -- they just ignored you". She then said how sorry she felt for me and pointed out that I can only accomplish about 50% of my life tasks because of this. She said she had no explanation why my parents did this. Needless to say, I was shocked, but it was not exactly news to me. That summed up my relationship with my parents quite well from as far back as I can remember. When I was 17 years old I felt that something had was wrong. It felt like I had been betrayed. Something was missing in my life. When my mother said, to my face, that she did not love me, it did not come as a shock. It instead felt expected. Despite all that, I didn't then, nor do I now, look upon my childhood, nor my parents, with bitterness. I see it as life. Things happen. Everything cannot always be good. I have spoken with many people who have had it worse than me. I really cannot complain. I always felt that I must just continue to move forward and do the best I can with what cards I have been dealt. I am not bad off. I have a lot of offer and I have the drive to succeed. I don't know what failure is; I have never stopped trying.

Last year, in August, a friend of mine recommended that I see the psychic she always sees. She said she was good and had been seeing her for the last ten years, so I went and saw her. At the end of the reading she said, out of the blue, "Your father is here, but all he is saying is that he is sorry, he is sorry, he is sorry". "He just repeats that phrase over and over again", she said with a puzzled look on her face. She had no idea why he was saying this. I haven't been to see psychic since, but I am convinced if I do, I will get a similar message from my father again.

Oddly enough, not a single psychic has ever commented on my mother. I find that strange. I have a feeling that when my father says he is sorry, he is also apologizing for my mother. One day I may actually hear it from my mother, or at least, through a psychic as my mother now has Alzheimer's disease. I am willing to put money on it.

PastPilot PastPilot 51-55, M 8 Responses Dec 28, 2011

Your Response


Thank you for sharing this! Since the death of my husband, I have read many books about life after death and prebirth. The major theme that is repeated is the "life review" in which we are allowed to feel x10 the pain or joy we caused others. Also the contracts we make with our parents to be which are not always easy to fulfill and not always pleasant but we agree to them for specific reasons/lessons. Have u read "Your Soul's Plan" by Robert Schwartz or "Soul's Destiny" by Michael Newton? Both of these are excellent on this topic. I think your father is genuinely sorry for letting you down and not upholding his contract in this life. However, this may also have been part of the contract for some unknown reason.

I have read all of Michael Newton's books and spoke with a woman who trained and worked with Michael Newton over the last 20 years. I will look up Robert Schwartz's book (I always look for people's recommendations).

My feeling on the people we find ourselves interacting with in our lives is that nothing is unplanned. There may be hiccups, you will run into people you detest and people you love, but surfaces can be deceiving. The ones who hurt us the most are often the souls we love the most. We often choose the souls we love when we need help to experience the worst. However, souls can get carried away and do the wrong things. My father was probably one of these, but that too is a learning experience for both of us. Learning to let go and understand that souls make mistakes. He may make up for it later, or perhaps it was I who needed to learn and forgive, and as you say, it may have been part of the contract for some unknown reason. In the long run it really doesn't matter. The path we walk is a long one, with many pitfalls and set backs, but in the end we will get there. There is no hurry when time does not exist. Forgiveness and love is always the best way to handle it.

l feel, your father 'does love you' that is why he keeps saying he is sorry. lt is a sad fact that many parents and siblings fail to realise the effect of their attitude and words on others until 'they cross from physical to spirit life'. This life is for the experience of soul growth. l found this out when l had an 'ndr'.Best wishes.

Your views, on how to handle parents, is very good. We can all learn from your thoughts and experiences. I have been ignoring my mother's comments and just focusing of helping her and making sure she is comfortable and Ok with life. It is hard, as her comments still have a bite to them, but I ignore it. It seems she cannot help it and now with Alzheimer's, she really cannot remember having done anything bad in her life -- her memory is full of holes and it would serve no purpose trying to get her to admit it.

I have decided to tackle the problem with love and understanding -- I still catch myself from responding to her comments, but I do just that, I "catch" myself before responding to her comments. She will not change and I won't digress.

Love is really the only path.

I read many of these stories and may say, "Whoa" or "Wow" to myself before clicking on to something else. In this case, however, there is no way for me not to comment.

I grew up very attached to my father and mother. I was clingy and always wanted to hold hands as a small child. My mother often called all of her three children "worthless." This was said in a foreign accent (prefer not to mention from where), and it took me years to realize that she was indeed telling me that I was worthless. I recall reaching an age where I finally understood, thinking, "Oh, I'm worthless, that's what she's saying." It made sense considering all of the other things she would say. We were told: "you'll never amount to anything," and "you can't do anything right." There is a very good reason why I can't recall all of this right now, the reason for my reply to you, actually, but I'll get to that later.

Probably the most damaging was the way my mother would dismiss and degrade any dreams I had for my future. I would come home from school and declare, "I'm going to be a speech pathologist/writer/secretary/whatever... My mother would let out a scornful snort, a sort of HRRMPH sound, and say, "YOU could never be a ______________," and "When it came time for you to ________ (list any requirement of the career I'd mentioned) you'd never be able to do it." Then she would laugh or snicker. Why I even bothered to go back to her with my intentions is a mystery to me, but perhaps not. That's what kids do. They try out their dreams, goals, and hopes on the adults around them.

My father's behaviour I consider far more damaging. He showed disgust toward his children. We could not grasp chess fast enough. We slept in socks, like North Americans. He was not impressed with us in the slightest. He left when I was twelve, moved a couple of streeets away, and then pretended not to know us (the last two children). He favours the eldest child, the one that my mother hated from birth.

Anyway, my mother now has Alzheimer's. We did get closer over the years. She loved my daughter, whom she helped me raise. I blamed my mother for lots of things, like not getting further with my education, though my father refused to help pay for it. I was academically gifted, according to a college teacher. My ultimate dream was to become a scholar, just stay in school forever, eventually teach. I now accept that whatever I came to this planet to accomplish does not require formal University education.

It turned out that I was a rubberband kid, moving out, getting ahead in life, then falling/failing, and winding up back at home. I am grateful for the help she gave me with my daughter. She adored her, encouraged her, loved her unabashedly.

I had a profound experience with forgiveness a couple of months ago. I had a not so pleasant visit with my mother, who is presently placed in a home. She is naturally insulting and critical. When I got home, I wished her ill, and my father too, blaming them for my shortcomings in life. I felt so badly that night and could not rest. I called out to God for help in forgiving, saying "I'm not even sure if you exist, but I need help." The next morning I felt so much better, lighter. I started writing and out popped all these thoughtful, practical ideas and suggestions to improve visits with her. I carried the notebook with me to read on the way to see her. I practiced each suggestion.

I found that I saw my mother in a totally new light. I could really see her, a sick old woman who needs help and patience. I could see her, no longer through the fog of anger or through a haze of angry words from the past. The most amazing thing was that when I looked at myself in the mirror, I liked what I saw, truly, for the first time in my life. I had previously liked what I saw if I had piled on enough make-up and wore revealing clothes, but no more. I can truly see myself as beautiful, my reflection no longer obscured by that haze of angry words.

Everything in my life has changed. I look forward to seeing my mother and helping her in any way I can. I speak to her as I would like to be spoken to if I was in her position. She has specific needs, physical and emotional, as she is regressing. She deserves to have those needs met, no matter what she said in the past. The past is now dead. I have a very difficult time even remembering the hurtful comments from my childhood. This is amazing, considering they swirled through my mind endlessly for decades. I was amazed a few paragraphs up that I could not recall them.

The only thing that matters now is that my mother gets what she needs. That is the way that parents are supposed to feel about their children. If I was not able to receive that from either parent, at least I can provide it for the one I have contact with now. I am grateful to have the chance to love her, and to be the "mother" to her that she could not be for me. When you see someone in that state, your pain/needs don`t matter anymore. I feel compassion and love and I am so grateful that this situation allowed that to blossom within me.

I went back to church about two weeks after this happened. I feel so good, and know that my life is a gift. My life is, and will be wonderful. I tried to see my father to tell him of this change in my life, but his brother (a pastor) had warned him of my visit, and so he did not answer the door. Car was there, lights were on, and he admitted to my older sibling that he had heard the bell. That is the sort of thing that would have had me indulding in some pretty ugly, heavy, self-destructive behaviour in the past. The key is to love yourself. Bjork has this terrific song, "All is full of Love." I think I understand from this song that there is love everywhere, you will receive it, but not always from the people/sources that you may feel you should be getting it from. I will not allow anything to disrupt my self-love. It took me decades to get to this point. I look forward to finally marrying, since I now feel love for myself and can finally attract and return love. I wake up and smile when I realize how lucky I am to be alive.

Whatever this has to do with past lives is probably everything. Sometimes I just KNOW, without doubt, that if you want to know what your past lives were like, you just look at your present life. Look back at everything that has happened to you, take responsibility for all of the choices you made, and of course, examine your dreams, just like that other member stresses.

I imagine life as the most perfect school system. Imagine classes that are so perfectly tailored to your spiritual needs...every single condition you are experiencing is exactly what you need to be able to get past those very same conditions!!! Think about it. Whatever you lack at this moment, whatever is not going your way, whoever is getting on your last nerve, all of this, exactly every detail of this exists as either a) a mirror to show you how you really are/what you could change about yourself; or b) a situation that you can alter/neutralize by increasing your capacity to love. Love will conquer all.

PastPilot, I don't really get your genuine ability to accept your situation, for it took me half of my life. I think that's great and demonstrates how well-adjusted you are despite the rough upbringing. You did not mention whether you have any children. I have one, and I am proud that I was able to offer her love, affection, and encouragement. Perhaps the very conditions of my childhood drove home to me the importance of openly loving your children. For that, I can thank my parents.

Someone once told me that if you do not want to experience another incarnation with a specific person, you DECLARE: "I am sorry. I forgive you. Never again do our paths need to meet."

I agree about the psychics. I have consulted several over the years, none of whom ever mentioned my parents. When I finally asked why my father never came up in any readings, one replied that I had to learn to get angry at the treatment I had received. I had always been overcome by sadness and self-loathing, but then I did reach anger regarding my father. Now, I release him. My happiness is more important than bogging down my consciousness with one more thing that cannot be explained. I sincerely wish him the very best, all of life's richest blessings. I harbour a hope that my future father-in-law will fill that void.

Here is a wonderful affirmation for those who did not receive paternal love:

"I run to the Father who cannot stop loving me, or gifting me with my heart's desires. I have a Father who cares, a Father who has always cared, and a Father who will always care. God, the Father, is the only source of my supply. He delights in providing for me, and in leading my mind, body and spirit back to righteousness."

I hope your mother is receiving excellent care. She is very lucky to still have you in her life.

Have a wonderful year.

Dear doejohn2043, your words in your reply to pastpilot are the most profound l have ever read. Many thanks.

For a period or around 10 years I did not have any friends who saw or knew of psychics. Recently, within the last four years, I just felt a pull toward thinking about seeing a psychic and then I just starting visualizing it. It did not take long before someone referred me. Its surprising just how many people see psychics -- few will admit it. Failing that, you could ask on a discussion group, although you would have to provide the city/town where you reside, but you could still hide your identity. Not all referrals yield results. I was referred to see two different psychics whom I felt were frauds. It is a buyer beware. However, I have been told that if you are meant to see a psychic, one will come into your life.


I feel there are many unresolved issues between myself and my parents. In this life, I had little control. The ball was in parent's court and they dropped it. I felt I was just there for the ride. My father once pulled me aside to tell me the "key" to getting ahead in life: "Throw your emotions away", he insisted, "they just interfere with decision making". Clearly a statement coming from someone who held logic in higher esteem than emotion. In this regard, my father and I were polar opposites. Now I am just left with my mother, who can make just many nasty statements, if not worse, than my father. Its like they just did not think, nor care about the consequences of what they say. My mother believed in psychics, reincarnation, and would often preach it, but I don't think she could think it through far enough to understand it. She shed the part about being responsible for your own actions and thoughts.

I never knew either of my grandfathers, but have been told that they were both harsh men without emotion. My grandmothers, whom I knew and met over the years, were quite the opposite. My maternal grandmother was psychic, so she and I got along quite well. We always had something to discuss. She was more affectionate than my mother and did not hesitate to give me hugs. My aunt, my mother's sister, is the same way. Full of emotion and love. This emotion and outward affection is lost on my mother. I have no idea why.

Are you sure we're not siblings? I had the same parents you had. How weird!

I can't tell you how many times I have spoken with people who have had stories worse than mine. I think the bottom line is that we are human and as such will experience similar situations.

This is one reason why I am not bitter towards my parents. I believe in reincarnation, and as such, I know some lessons are taught over and over again until the lesson is learned. In this case, this may have been a lesson my parents had to learn: How to be loving parents. Obviously, they still have a lot to learn, but future lives are always there. I just hope if there is a repeat of this family situation that it will be far in the future -- I really need a rest. I am exhausted by all of this. It is hard to keep visiting with my mother while Alzheimer's is eating away at her mind. I take her out to lunch once a month, but she will say cruel things like, "All my children are idiots". She always says that to me as if I were a 3rd party, unrelated to her and the family -- she has done that for a number of years now. I have been hearing that since I was about 6 years old, but it still hurts each and every time.

Dear PastPilot, you have had a rotten sad time from your parents but you were so blessed to have been given hugs and love by your maternal grandmother and your aunt ,their kindness was a light in your dark childhood. Blessings and love wishes for you and yours.

s you to forgive him, and to have you say this out loud and mean it, for it truly will set you free,and for anyone else in a similar situation I can honestly say that it was the turning point in my recent past, when I made nursing my mother to the truly is a healing experience, and I don't regret it for a moment..

1 More Response

Sometimes I think our parent's generation were never told they were loved when they were little, so they did not tell us. I felt adopted and unloved, as they never told me, or held me and nurtured me. Your parents sound just like mine. My father died last year, and we had many unresolved issues. I believe it's time to seek a psychic. How do you know how to find a good one that you can trust? I do not have any friends that go to them, so I can't get referrals. I know my father is around me now.

Its hard to explain, but I went to see a psychic only because it was recommended to me, and because it just felt right. The timing felt right. I could feel it.

I try to do things when there is a feeling that it should be done. I wait until I feel a tug in a certain direction, so I know the timing is right. The only problem is that this "feeling" can sometimes be very subtle. I think this is why most psychics say you have to "tune" yourself to be receptive, or to meditate. The answers we seek are often very subtle nudges and tugs that we feel, but because they are so subtle, we can easily dismiss them. We rush around so much in our lives that we tend to miss such fine details. They are there, the answers we seek are often sitting just below the surface, handed to us, but we have conditioned ourselves to expect loud entrances and grand visions or voices. They are not. Its often a soft whisper we receive. If we hear it, we often ignore it as "our imagination" because they pop into our minds in a very minor way -- no fanfare, no angels singing, etc. Listening for the answers is the key to most of our problems. It sounds strange, but that is what I have experienced throughout my life. I am surprised at just how many times I have received answers to questions that have come in whispers rather than loud, obvious statements. The trick is learning to receive the answers to your questions, and I am still working on it.

Sadly, there are many of us who wish we could solve issues with our parents in this life but have to accept it will not be possible. I have never been to a psychic and am curious as to the original reason you chose to go. Curiosity? or a specific reason?