Life And Death With My Father
Growing up with my father was strange. At no time did I really feel I was needed or wanted in his life. He made life difficult for all his children, but for me, he seemed to go that extra mile. From the age of five, I noticed that his favorite term for us, his children, was the word: "Stupid". I would often hear him talk with his friends about how stupid his children were. He always said it loud enough so everyone could hear. It was upsetting because at the age of five I wasn't sure just how else I was suppose to behave. All I knew was that no matter what I did, my father was not impressed and he often told me how disappointed he was.
As time went on, we just stopped trying to impress him. He was just the man who lived in our house, who we called "father", but beyond that, we tried to not bring on his wrath. When he really got angry, we headed for the hills. He screamed and turned bright red -- we often thought he would have a heart attack when he was in a rage. It was best to just ignore him and slip by unnoticed. We were often told how useless we were, so we just got to the point where we stopped trying. My brother told me he stopped trying when he was 9 years old.
The day I moved out, he called me over and took me aside. I thought it was going to be my father-to-son talk, but it wasn't. He proceeded to poke me in the chest with his finger while stating: "You go out. (poke) you find a job. (poke) you get married. (poke) you raise three kids. (poke) you see what its like!". Then he left. Those were the most words he spoke to me almost a year. There was some obvious angry and insecurity working within him, but I have no idea what it was. Our relationship was never good. For the most part, he just ignored me and often pointed out that all his kids disappointed him. That was a running theme throughout our lives. A lot of anger that came from somewhere, but he never let on from where.
About seven years ago my father died. He had sudden heart failure, unexpectedly, and went into a coma. This occurred exactly one week after his doctor stated that my father's physical and blood tests showed that he would live to be 100 years old. He never recovered and died almost 25 years short of his 100th birthday. We gathered around him in his hospital bed. He lived about 24 hours before dying, never coming out of the coma. His family was almost all there. One of my brothers was away. He called the hospital, but showed no interest or emotion that his father was dying. He was more interested in how much our father was worth. He seems to be counting the days to his inheritance. After my father passed away, and when everyone else had left, the room was dim and quiet. I noticed that no one seemed to really care. Their conversations were not about my father. I stayed back. I placed my hand on my father's head and said, "Goodbye, father". This was the first time I had physically touched my father in over 25 years. It felt odd. Then I left. I cried later that night. It was the first time I had cried in many years. My life had just changed. Many things remained unsaid. However, it felt as if something was wrong. It felt like the relationship was wasted and unnecessary. I couldn't explain it then, and I have a hard time explaining it now. The relationship my father had with his children was a wasted relationship. The potential was there, but it was thrown away. He lacked the emotion necessary to make it work. We were just not worth his time. It felt all wrong and the fault was on my father. He made it very difficult for anyone to get close. He never left an opening. He just simply did not care.
Three years after my father passed away, I booked an appointment with a psychic. I hadn't seen a psychic up to that point in my life in over ten years. I felt it was time to go again. A friend recommended a psychic to me, so I went. It took almost 2 weeks to get an appointment, but the reading was good and shockingly accurate. She picked up on several events in my recent life and made predictions that may still occur in the near future. We will see. The Fall of 2011 was supposed to be a time of change, and yes, there is change happening -- all of it good, so far. Near the end of the reading she suddenly stated that my father was here and he wanted to say something. I was shocked. I had never been to a psychic before who made a claim that a relative, from the beyond, wanted to communicate with me, but then, I have not had many relatives who have passed to the other side. It felt like a hoax, straight out of a movie, but I said I would be willing to listen. The psychic said, in a cautionary tone, "Ah, it appears all he really wants to say is that he is sorry". The words went through me like a hot knife through butter. Me? Just Me? Is he only apologizing to me? The psychic said, yes. She went on to say that he is not apologizing to your brothers. How did she know I had brothers and no sisters? She then stated that your father did nothing to raise you. He made promises before you were born that he did not keep, and he wants to apologize. I was speechless. It could still be a hoax, but I went along. What else could I do?
Six months later, I went to see a different psychic and halfway through this reading she stopped and said, your father is here. He is saying he is sorry. He keeps saying he is sorry over and over again. She had a puzzled look on her face as if I was suppose to know what it was all about. She then stated that he tried talking to you when you were young, but you and he just argued. This was true, but the way it usually worked was my father always put me down and then tried to get me to do what he wanted. He never asked, he just ordered. As I grew older, I started to stand up for myself and as a result, we tended to argue. My father hated it when anyone disagreed with him. You could never talk to my father. I heard a number of people state this over the years -- you just had to listen to him. That was the only option he gave you.
Six months later, yet again, I saw another, different, psychic. She was very different from the other psychics I seen previously. She was Austrian, about 5 feet tall and about eighty years old. She came across as the grandmother everyone wanted in their lives. Near the end of the reading she suddenly stopped, put down her tarot cards, and looked me straight in the eyes. She then spoke, "I rarely use profanity in my life", she stated, "but in your case I will I have to make an exception". "Your parents. . . " she paused, and took a deep breath, "they ****** you over". "I have never seen a situation like yours before", she stated. She went on to say, "Your parents made many promises before you were born. That was the reason why you chose your parents, because of the promises they made to help you fulfill your life goals. They were suppose to teach you, nurture you throughout your childhood, but their main purpose was to teach you how to love, but, I am afraid to say, its as if they just turned their backs on you. its as if they just didn't care -- they just ignored you". She then said how sorry she felt for me and pointed out that I can only accomplish about 50% of my life tasks because of this. She said she had no explanation why my parents did this. Needless to say, I was shocked, but it was not exactly news to me. That summed up my relationship with my parents quite well from as far back as I can remember. When I was 17 years old I felt that something had was wrong. It felt like I had been betrayed. Something was missing in my life. When my mother said, to my face, that she did not love me, it did not come as a shock. It instead felt expected. Despite all that, I didn't then, nor do I now, look upon my childhood, nor my parents, with bitterness. I see it as life. Things happen. Everything cannot always be good. I have spoken with many people who have had it worse than me. I really cannot complain. I always felt that I must just continue to move forward and do the best I can with what cards I have been dealt. I am not bad off. I have a lot of offer and I have the drive to succeed. I don't know what failure is; I have never stopped trying.
Last year, in August, a friend of mine recommended that I see the psychic she always sees. She said she was good and had been seeing her for the last ten years, so I went and saw her. At the end of the reading she said, out of the blue, "Your father is here, but all he is saying is that he is sorry, he is sorry, he is sorry". "He just repeats that phrase over and over again", she said with a puzzled look on her face. She had no idea why he was saying this. I haven't been to see psychic since, but I am convinced if I do, I will get a similar message from my father again.
Oddly enough, not a single psychic has ever commented on my mother. I find that strange. I have a feeling that when my father says he is sorry, he is also apologizing for my mother. One day I may actually hear it from my mother, or at least, through a psychic as my mother now has Alzheimer's disease. I am willing to put money on it.