I May Have Lost My Soul Mate. I'm Broken.

Before I begin, please be aware that to tell this story completely and accurately, it may run rather long. However, I need someone, anyone to read it because I worry that I am losing my mind with grief. I may have lost my soul mate, my one and it's tearing me apart.

This is my confession, my story, about a love triangle that has happened to me and in some ways, even now, is still happening to me.

I'm currently married with no children.

My husband and I have known each other nine years. We were friends for 3, years dated and lived together for 2 years and have been married for four years. In that time, our relationship has been rocky and plagued with certain issues.

When we met, I fell in love with him instantly. He was funny, optimistic and driven. I had not met a guy with those qualities up to that point in my and so they dazzled me. I loved how he made me laugh in a time in my life when I didn't have much to laugh about. He was also very caring and kind. However, he rebuffed my advances two times even though we were best friends and hung out all the time. After the second time of being rebuffed, I distanced myself from him because I figured that I had to let go of these feelings and pining for him, for us, to be something more. I took a year away from him and dated someone else. At the end of that year, my previous relationship was over and we reconnected. He then confessed to me how much he had missed me and how stupid that he had been for turning me down before because he had not ever met anyone who supported and loved him for him like I did.
So, we became a couple. He broke up with me about two months after and it broke my heart. To this day he and I are unsure of why that happened. He said that he was nervous and that he didn't feel pursued enough. He begged me to remain a friend so I set my feelings of hurt aside (against the urging of my friends) to accommodate his request. As we continued to hang out, he confessed that he would be willing to date me again. I felt renewed and overjoyed.

My heart ache was over.
About six months later we moved in together.

My mother couldn't understand my attraction to him because to her he was crazy for not wanting to be with me to begin with and because he was wasn't really anything that I was. Where I believed in a spirit and God, he was an atheist. Where I was not overly political, he was very much into politics. He could be very silly but when it came down to it his views on life were very serious. He was very much a "if I can't see/experience it, it doesn't exist" type person. Where as I believed in soul, passion and soul mates. But I did love him for him. I never ever desired to change him. On the contrary though, I did very much change myself to suit the relationship better (which I realize was a huge mistake but I was young and naive). I gave up much of my beliefs and tried to adopt his own. It worked for a while as I was fascinated by his way of thinking and it made sense to me at the time.

We did well living together...for awhile.

Intimacy was a huge problem for us. He revealed to me that he had lied about being sexually experienced and was in fact a virgin when he had met me and we began to have sex. This didn't bother me, I said that I understood. However our sex life was plagued with problems. He had trouble maintaining during sex with me. Everything had to be just so for him to achieve o****m before he would lose his arousal. We had sex once a week, sometimes only 3 times a month.
At one point, we were having sex and he openly said to me, "I just can't finish. Do you mind if I go in the bedroom and watch p**n to finish up?"
If you can imagine, I was shocked.
I said yes and so he did but as he did it began to sink in just exactly WHAT had happened. I felt...basically that I was not good enough. Not attractive enough, poor at sexual performance, I just felt... bad, nay, shaken.
It wound out coming out as I cried, telling him how I felt (not screaming, just crying). How awful and ugly it had made me feel that he couldn't achieve o*****m with me but that he needed p****graphy to do so. Please understand that I myself enjoy p**n from time to time. I never had an issue with him watching it and m**********g up until this point.
Basically, he promised that he would give it up. I tried to tell him that it didn't require him sacrificing it and that was not what I was asking of him. I was just asking him to really try and cut back and use ME more to satisfy those urges.

He agreed.

However, things resumed as they did with little sexual desire or activity from him. We still were not really having sex as much as I would have liked. I longed to have a day where we just made love all day and relaxed together. I didn't want that ALL the time but to experience that once would have been amazing.

It was revealed that he was still watching p**n just as frequently but now he had taken to trying to hide it from me and lying about it.
I went through this deception four time and four different times I caught him doing it. It put severe strain on our relationship but we proceeded to work through it.

Then there came a point where he began to talk about marriage. He had even gotten a ring and showed it to me. He told me that he wanted to propose to me but wanted to make it special and a surprise. I didn't ask anything further. I was elated simply to know that was on his mind and he was thinking of a life together with ... me. He said that he'd have a real nice surprise planned this coming summer.

Summer came and went with no engagement.

I was hurt very deeply but tried my best not to show it too much. I didn't want to force something like this so I tried to ask while making the conversation seem light hearted.
He apologized and said that he had wanted to but it just had not happened. He reassured me and promised me, this coming winter.

Winter came and went. No engagement.

By this point I was more hurt than before and confused. Why was he doing this? Saying that he'd propose and yet ... not do it?
He could tell that I was visibly upset and apologized again. He confessed that he was simply afraid to. He WANTED to so badly but he had just chickened out. I asked, "Why?"
He said that he didn't know. That he couldn't explain why but that he just was. He promised me this coming spring.

Again, spring and no engagement.

At this point, I lost it, admittedly. I became an emotional wreck and basically it came down to me saying, tearfully, "If you don't propose to me right here and now, I'm leaving."
He did and I said, "Yes."
After I had calmed down, I realized the serious error in my judgement and knew instantly what I had done was wrong. I felt bad about it. I felt HORRIBLE about it. I had not wanted things to be like this. I didn't want to force him to propose. So I tried to approach him about it and apologize. I was very calm when I apologized and told him my fears and what was on my mind and how I felt what I had done was wrong. He basically got angry at first, asking, "So what? Now you want to break off the engagement?!"
But I began to cry again and explained how excited I had been the first time that he had mentioned proposing and how each time that it had not happened, how crushed I had been. He then softened and told me how he had done it because he had wanted to. That he genuinely wanted to marry me and so I shouldn't worry.
So I dropped it, my fears and worries temporarily calmed.
However, my fears and worries crept back up many times and I tried at least two other times to break off the engagement with no luck. I was weak and unable to put my foot down and be honest with my feelings but I did really love him and wanted to believe that together, we could make this work.

So we married and moved to a new state to start a new life.

I transferred with my current job and he got a new job.

I wound up having a break down because the climate and demands of the job in this state were totally different from what I had adjusted to and been trained for. I was unable to hack it and my supervisors were quickly becoming fed up with me.
To avoid being fired, I quit. I had not wanted to be fired after three years with this company.
I basically lost it and went into a heavy depression.
My husband flourished at his new job but it was very demanding. He became obsessed with work and making money. Many times he'd call me and say, "I'm going to be home at seven! Get ready and we'll go out!"
Seven would come and he wouldn't be home and I'd be unable to reach him on his cell phone. He'd usually end up home at nine, at which point, it was too late to go out.
Even on days off, he would still work, taking calls or doing something work related. We never had time for just "us".
I tried to be supportive and adjust but I felt very lonely and very devalued.
I began to feel distant from my husband.

It was at that point that I got a job at grocery store that didn't pay hardly anything but it was a job. I wound up getting pigeon holed into handling two departments for no pay increase with the expectations that both departments would be ran adequately with me being given half the time (my hours were cut). Needless to say, I failed. Tried hard, stressed myself out but failed. This fueled my depression and between this and my marriage feeling so distant and non-existant, I tried to commit suicide.

I survived but was diagnosed with severe depression and mania (Manic Bipolar) among a few other things. I began seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist and went on medication and they put me out on temporary disability.

I tried very, very hard to be patient with my husband and communicate my feelings and while he expressed severe remorse, nothing was ever really fixed. He continued to be a work-a-holic and continued making broken promises to me. Finally, I hit a wall.

I asked for a divorce.

We got the papers, signed them and got a court date a couple of months later (we had some stuff to sort out before then).

I wound up meeting someone.

I wasn't looking AT ALL to fall for someone. It just happened. We met and began as friends. Right away, despite my reservations, it was as if I had known this person my whole life. I just had that feeling. He and I were so similar in our thought process. This bond that formed was ... amazing. Impossible to ignore. I should start by saying that it was an emotional bond, not sexual.
He loved the same things I did and I cannot tell you how good it felt to be me and to have someone else praise the things I loved instead of pick them apart or think they were silly.
After a month, we confessed our feelings for each other but we did nothing sexual. I told him my situation, how I was about to go through a divorce. He shared with me how he had been with his partner for 6 years and a day after they talked about marriage, she had left him for someone else.
I told my husband what had happened as I always, always strived to be honest with him. I didn't do it to hurt him. We were talking on a regular basis and he had taken notice. As our court date came up, my husband confessed that he could not bare to lose me. That if he lost me, he didn't know what he would do and how hard this was for him and how sorry he had been for how he had treated me in the past.
This threw a major wrench in things. It sent me spinning. Here I was, involved with someone else under the pretense that we were getting a divorce. We had the papers...signed.
That had been the only reason I allowed myself to confess my feelings for this person, thinking this relationship was one I could pursue.
I told my husband that basically he had choose a really ****** time to confess how he felt and to NOW want to join me in talking about our feelings and working on things. I told him that I could not do that to this other person. However... we did not go through with the court date because I still did not have a place to live and was trying to figure out how I could afford my medical treatment and medication on my measly earnings. He offered me a place to stay and to keep me on his insurance. I literally had no friends to stay with at the time, nowhere to go. No money. I was left with no choice but to stay.
This bothered the other person I was seeing and, understandably, he was upset. I tried to explain how I did not plan for this happen and how incredibly sorry that I was and the reasons why our divorce had not gone through. He told me that I was literally the best thing that had happened to him in a long, long time and that he couldn't just let me go. He believed that I was his "one". His soul mate and I had to be honest that I had felt the same thing. Certainly trepidation given how soon this had come about but really, I had not felt this way with anyone I'd been with previously. This person was always so tender and so caring for me. Many times he'd talk to me while he was at his desk at work on a headset while he worked when he could. On my birthday, he set his alarm for midnight so to remember to send me a text. He sent me a ring as a present that had my birthstone in it and his. All these things, tiny as they were, had never been done for me by my husband. I felt so loved. So cherished. So valued.
Basically we stayed in this limbo state for a year and a half. We had plans to visit each other but finances and just life in general got in the way so it never really happened.
However as time went on, my husband obviously wanted me to commit to marriage counseling. This other man wanted me to make a move to come live with him but he lived over seas and immigration was not really likely for either of us given our low income (he was currently caring for his mother and handled the majority of rent and responsibilities financially). My doctors were also pushing me to make a move for permanent disability as I had become worse in some ways given the stress the situation was putting me through plus my mother had basically dropped me from her life due to her own personal belief that I had ****** up royally with this whole situation.

I felt a duty to a my marriage. To try and work it out. We don't have children together but we had things we shared. A life we had built and a dog who really IS our kid. This dog loves me to pieces and between my husband and I, I'm his favorite master and honestly, sad as it may sound, this dog has shown me constant love and support and companionship through this whole thing. If I moved with my soul mate, I would lose my dog. He could not come with and I know this would depress my dog as well as me. We are companions and where I go, he goes (except for places like the grocery store or where he isn't allowed of course). Also, my doctors told me that a move over seas was NOT recommended due to my fragile mental state.

In short, it recently came to a sad, sad realization that we would probably never make it to each other and if we did, it wouldn't be for a long time. My husband wanted me to commit to marriage counseling and my soul mate said that he had stood by me and even through my indecision for a year and a half. He said that he had to leave me be as that it was too hard for him. He felt it was unfair and painful. I had to let him go because I couldn't subject him to this if he felt that way. I was also at this point, hurting my husband because he didn't exactly like me talking to this other man either.

And now I feel ... destroyed. Lost.

This man was far from perfect. I wasn't "idealizing" anything. I just felt... happy with him. I smiled. I laughed. I loved how he cherished me and how in tune with our thoughts we were. And now he's gone...
And with his departure, a piece of myself is gone and I'm crying...and desperate to hear his voice.

I've begun marriage counseling but at the first session, I lost it and explained how I was grieving that this person could leave/walk away from me (since I never could leave him) even if I understood WHY. I understand WHY but at the same time I don't. I left a couple of messages for him via certain social networks but I've heard nothing from him. I know how this man is. He's incredibly sensitive and it's likely he's not in good shape. Last that we did speak he mentioned that he had been crying and had not eaten properly for two days over this mess and over having to walk away.

I can tell by time stamps on certain social networks that he hasn't been on anything for 7 days.

It's beginning to take it's toll on me as well.

I'm now left, wondering, what was the right choice here? I'm grieving the loss of this wonderful man and yet I'm expected to work on my marriage. My husband is trying to be understanding but I know that it bothers him and of course, I see why. The problem is, after receiving from this man what my husband never gave me, the feeling of being cherished, desired, importance, it's hard for me to return to my old life with my husband and give him yet another chance. I'm willing I'm just not sure that, even if I love my husband, that he can provide me with those feelings, with what I need.

So that's my story. I don't expect sympathy. I don't really expect anything to be truthful. I just had to share this. I felt compelled to. Advice would be nice, I won't lie. If anyone reading this thinks I'm a horrible individual, I won't negate you. I feel like a horrible individual and trust me, I'm suffering.

TheGirlWhoStoleTheStars TheGirlWhoStoleTheStars
26-30, F
Dec 2, 2012