Tulips And ItalyLet's see where to start.
Shall I start from the beginning? What really is the beginning of this path down Synchronicity and intuition? Does it start with a dream? With a book?
Does it start with a life altering tragedy? Maybe it's a little bit of all of the above. The first thing I think about when I try to remember how I started down this path is the book The Alchemist by Paolo Coehlo. It opened me up to the idea of looking for signs, of being in the present and going after what I'm meant to do in life.
I've always been a bit off, a bit dreamy. Whether I was escaping into the world of Harry Potter or standing on my fireplace pretending to be my childhood idol, Selena, I was never exactly "here."
It's funny to me that a painting of Alice in Wonderland by Grace slick was the impetus of my songwriting journey. I could very much identify with this dreamy little girl whose head never left the clouds. In this painting, Alice and the rabbit are walking on a path into the woods. There's a little wooden sign that says "This Way Out" pointing the opposite direction. It struck a chord within me. They must have saw the sign. They saw the way out into reality, but they chose to go the opposite way. That day I wrote my first song titled "Wonderland." I ba
Around this time my older brother was starting to show symptoms of Schizophrenia. I knew something was off or weird about him but no one would listen. I felt like those kids in the Series of Unfortunate events that no adult would take seriously. Many traumatic events took place and needless to say I became depressed, anxiety-ridden, stressed, had frequent panic attacks and last but not least I felt completely and utterly lost.
As songs began flowing out of me, one song in particular made me realize there is something larger than us all operating somewhere above us. (or below us, or beside us, or in another dimension??) I wrote a song about suicide, not because I was suicidal but because I was intrigued by a line in an indie movie. A man was about to jump off a bridge and his friend comes up to him in attempt to stop him and says, "Hey, can I watch you jump? It will help me with my job." (He was a professional suicide letter writer). "Can I watch? I have never seen this part before. What intrigues me most is that you look so scared just as you look down," goes the beginning of one my most influential and favorite songs. By the end of the song, the meaning was doubled and I guess a bit disguised on purpose so I wouldn't freak out my audience. It could be interpreted as a break up song or a song about suicide.
I go to sleep exhausted and content.
The next day I find out my brother tried to commit suicide the night I wrote that song.
I cry to him, we talk, I show him the song, things blow over. Of course, that is the simplified version of that part of the story.
One night i have an epiphany about people in mental hospitals who hear voices. It's more of a hypothesis than an epiphany. Those who hear voices aren't crazy, they just know more. The veil to the "other side" or realm or whatever one would like to call it is just thinner for them. I'm not sure why I feel so satisfied with my new discovery when it has nothing to do with my life.
I wake up the next morning to discover my brother has heard voices for years and was too embarrassed to tell us. I share with him my epiphany and I think it comforts him bit.
At this point I'm laughing and crying with God or the Universe or whatever this great funny man in the sky is. He had blocked the road that morning so I couldn't get to my voice lesson. I was pissed, until I got home and heard the news about my brother. God, or sheba as I playfully nicknamed him, just had to have set that up. Things were set up too perfectly. I took another road to my voice lesson and at that moment the sun was shining, I was feeling overwhelmed and emotional and a song about an angel comes on the radio. I just laugh, look up a the sky and scream "You're ******* hilarious! You're ******* great!" I knew at that moment that there was something bigger than us all. Some sort of order beyond all of our comprehension. I knew that later on I would come down from this high and realize there is evil, war, rape, killing, hunger, sorrow in the world, but at that moment it didn't matter. I had this complete understanding that everything was how it was supposed to be and everything would be alright. First time spiritual break-throughs are amazing!
Fast forward a bit. I'm still struggling with who I am and who I want to be. My brother is still living at home and I still have anxiety. The problems and stress my brother brings into the household is just too much and he moves out. You would think we could all let out he breath we had been holding for three years, but this is when things just get started.
The economy goes bad, our finances go bad, we file for bankruptcy and my once intuitive mother slowly sinks into a deep, deep depression. When I look back at my dream journal I find an excerpt where I write that my mother tells me and my dad that she has to go away for awhile. I have this overwhelming sense of sadness and we ask her not to go, but she says that she has to. This was before any signs of depression. This was the first time I realized that dreams had significance and could be a bit foretelling of real life.
With no one watching over me as they used to, I begin to escape. I was always a good little girl, but no one was watching now so I began to drink and go out late at night.
Right when I needed it my friend lends me a book called the Power of Flow. "What a dumb title," I thought. As I begin to read this book of Synchronicity my life slowly starts to change. I become more aware of what I used to call silly coincidences and following my intuition to a greater extent. I always knew there was something greater than us all and that things were meant to be and connected, but I never knew life this could be this magical and connected to this extent.
I come across a name of a woman in this book and I think to myself, "I feel like she would completely understand me." I sort of laugh at myself and call myself silly, but this book of flow had so inspired me that I decided I just couldn't ignore this feeling. I google her and find out she is a healer and author who lives about a half an hour away from me I email her and spill my story to her, assuring her that I never usually do anything like that.
To my great surprise and elation, she answers back. She becomes a bit of a mentor after we meet up and talk over lunch. The age difference between me and my new friend or mentor is about 50 years. I'm ecstatic to have someone so wise on my side. We keep in touch and occasionally meet up to garden and exchange stories.
One interesting little synchronicity anecdote about this woman: the day before I am planned to meet with her I am at the mental hospital visiting my mom. I have a long, pleasant conversation with a woman in the waiting room and at the end of it I ask her name. I was surprised to find out it was the same name of the woman I was about to meet the next day. I took that as a good sign!
There is so much more to write about, but I will end with the synchronicities I have been experiencing lately.
For some reason tulips and Italy keep coming up all the time. I hear it everywhere!
My boyfriend had a dream about a song about tulips, I then read a book that mentions the flower. Me and my boyfriend proceed to meet a girl in a shake shop who says her name means Tulip in her language! I quickly befriend her, not only because she is nice and friendly but because her name is a sign!!
I had already been hearing Italy come up a lot, but this girl whose name means Tulips says that she lived in Italy and she speaks fluent Italian!! How much harder could Sheba be slapping me in the face??
Days later after many more occurrences with these two words, I find a poster at my school advertising a summer program for violinist in ITALY! Music is the only thing I have ever been able to stick with. I knew this was what the signs were pointing towards. I quickly look up the program and start the application process.
In the bathroom at the mall I'm taking so much time washing my hands and I cant really understand why I'm dilly dallying so much. In walks in a girl and she screams Tulips??! the other girls says no I didn't say tulips I said two locks! They both have a laugh. I pretend to do my make up and wait for them to come out so that I can chat with them. I tell them that i've been hearing the word tulips a lot and that I met a girl with that name so I thought it was funny that the girl screamed that. She looks me straight in the eyes and says, "The universe is trying to tell you something." I tell them about Italy as well and they say I should definitely go and that I was meant to go. I am amazed! Just when I think the signs are over and I've figured out the mystery the gift just keeps on giving. The only way I can describe that moment was that it was as if Sheba or god had just playfully winked at me, almost as if he had inhabited the body of that girl to send me that message. I don't think sheba literally did that. It was merely a feeling. Of course, later on I pick up a book about synchronicity and read an excerpt from someone who had the exact same feeling. They felt the Universe or whoever was guiding things was a humorous being. Someone with a twinkle in their eye. With a huge smile on my face and and the feeling of utter content in the depths of my belly, I close the book and think to myself, "These signs never stop. At this point I couldn't stop them even if I tried. I love it."
The last thing I need to figure out is how I'm going to finance my trip to italy. The program is $3,3100.00, not including plane and bus costs.
Any suggestions of how to obtain scholarships or sponsorships for a 20 year old aspiring violinist??
Thanks for reading, and excuse my grammar and misspelling. My fingers are tired and 'tis late!