The Vanilla Life

How was I suppose to know. Nobody ever gave me a manual. I made my choices. Made promises. Settled in.
It has been over six years since I last felt his touch. Over six years since I last begged him to choose me. Funny how certain choices, though seemingly innocent at the time, can make such a large impact in ones future. It was only suppose to be temporary. To show him that I too could play his game. Six years later I have come to find that I am still playing but the fun was lost when the first words of "change" left my lips.
Here I sit. It's almost midnight and I can hear my pawn game piece snoring. He is the father of my child. The man I promised myself to. The man that married a wife that thought she could change. Thought she could accept this new normal and be settled with the expected and easy going. This was not the man that I begged six years ago. No this man was his polar opposite.
There might not be a manual but they tell you "Find a good man. A faithful man that treats you well and provides for you. Take care of him. Play wife. Be the mom. Do what's right". I have been telling myself this for six years.
It wasn't a quick process. It took time for me to fall apart and get rebuilt as the new vanilla me. In the beginning it all happened so fast. I started the game with my pawn and he quickly pulled me in. He was different. No drama. No passion. No crazy nights. Just the right kind of normal that I thought was needed after the ever changing relationship that I was previously in. I told myself this was right. He puts up with my crazy so I can play down my emotion. He is good to me so I can just get used to plain.
Like all relationships the first year was fun, new, adventurous. But then I lost my grounding. I became nervous. Panicked. A complete wreck. I never saw it coming. Here I was entering into owning an apartment with someone and I was losing my mind. The doctors said it was stress. The physiologist said I focus to much. My boyfriend said I needed to much. I said looks like I have to change a bunch. I choose to accept this new vanilla norm and popped pills to escape my colorful past.
It's now six years later and my colorful past has awakened. My colorful ex to whom I begged for has oh so illogically landed back right apart of me. There has always been this strange connection with him and I. Like magnets we are. Drawn together by forces unknown and unexplained to us both. I have never had a deeper connection with anyone as the connection I share with him. This man knows the girl deep inside. This man is the only man that knows how to bring me to life. This man is the only man that can ruin me with one look.
But this colorful man came along when I fear it's to late. I have made promises to others. I have created life. I have responsibilities to my friends, my family, my son. Who am I to take the selfish path and break those promises? Who am I to destroy so much?
I have to ask myself is this all a dream? Some movie I have yet to wake from. So here it goes, he is back in your life but you have no way of knowing the future. So you walk away leave it all to chance a life of love and passion and then what... Six years later will there still be passion? Last time it took two years to lose the fire... How do you know that won't happen again?
In life we are told there are no guarantees. Told that the choices we make carve our path and it is that path in which we must follow.
Tear drops run down my cheek... Am I sad because I know what is true or sad because I know I can't escape. Its probably both. I haven't cried like this in six years. I haven't felt like this in six years. Is this what it's like... Is this the girl I buried so deep inside. I forgot what she is like. Passionate, emotional, loving... Alive.
I don’t want to hurt him. He is so full of life, color and wonder. Selfishly I hold on to a thought that somehow just somehow things will fall into place without me having to hurt so many. My heart tells me to go but my conscience tells me to stay. He has brought something out of me that I can’t deny. He is, for a lack of better term, the other half of my heart. I had no idea I had pushed that half so far down. Had no idea that I had let go of so much. Had no idea how much the simple word “change” could really make a person half of what they are.
I give my all to the one. If only it were that easy. We were young together once. Young and full of life and love and no responsibilities. Thank you Mr. Colorful. Thank you for showing me that I still have a few shades of tint left in me. Thank you for helping me to feel again. You are my muse. You have always been my muse. And you will remain my muse, my desire, my fire. I truly am only half a person with out you. But to my grave unfortunate I must deliver on the promises and the path I have made.
It is not right of me to hurt so many people so that I can be truly happy, truly alive. Instead I must take on my vanilla path and tread plainly forward. There is a good chance I will regret this decision later… in fact. I already somewhat do. But that is life full of regret and choices. Paths and promises.
Thisblueyedgirl Thisblueyedgirl
26-30, F
Sep 17, 2012