Effing Psycho

"You're an effing psycho."
It's been almost a week but those are the last words my daughter spoke to me. I had finally gotten her on her phone and was asking her where she was  and if she was safe. She had been missing for 16 hours. After being classified as a runaway it was determined that the best way to locate her would be to just keep calling her until she answered her phone, which could then be traced.

I promised her unconditional love when they placed her in my arms 15 years ago. I have never backed down from that promise. It takes a fair amount of courage to make a promise like that. I hadn't had the 9 months to get to know her; as an adoptive mom though, I had learned to wait, and I was ready to make the committment, the vow. I knew I had the love to give and the determination and the strength of character to make good on that promise. I just didn't know how hard she was going to make it for me.
Effing psycho.
Maybe I am.
Maybe a person who loves with the passion and intensity that I do is a little nuts. I don't know any other way to be.
She is a troubled child, and I can't help her.
All I can do is be here if and when she needs me, decides that I am worthy of love after all, despite my faults.
It makes me feel a little abused though, this verbal assault, this waiting,
wondering if the love I promised will ever be returned.
But you see that's the thing about unconditional love--it has that forgiveness clause in there, and there is no statute of limitations.
Love = Forgiveness.
Quintesse Quintesse
51-55, F
48 Responses Dec 11, 2010

Oh wow, you are kinda like my dad.. he's the one whose always fretting over where I am & up to what... If he's unable to reach me, he calls up a friend! You know that gets on my nerves too at times! & we're only talking 2-4 hours here! I'm not even a teenager anymore!! But still... *sigh*

I still respect how you feel, coz I've never been on good terms with my own mom. She simply drives me crazy, & not out of show of concern.. rather her mean tongue & bitter intent. Its evident in every action of hers. Like how she's always bad-mouthing me in front of anyone who'd hear.. It becomes unbearable at times. I try to ignore her words & stay out of her way but that's tough coz I'm still living with my parents.

All around me, I see mothers just like you, who are genuinely concerned about their daughters & are all - friend/confidante/guide to them.. I could never get that love from mine. But now I simply wish to get away from home & her asap!

Thank you Guy. This is teen years on steroids, seriously. When you throw in mental illness it changes the whole game. But I love her and she loves me. She just can't show it because she has been damaged. Long before I got her she was damaged. My job is to try to mitigate the damage to the best of my ability, and I do that--every day. Thank you sincerely, both of you, for your good wishes. I appreciate it more than you can know.

Thanks Papri. We have moved past this, but it is pure heartbreak to know that your child battles demons that you cannot help her fight. I do the best I can. She is getting better. Thank you for reading this and for your compassion.

Everyone craves the love of their parents, particularly those who are adopted or ignored. One of the reasons I wanted so desperately to become a mom was so that I could experience that mom/child connection that I missed out on. I wanted to facilitate it any way I could, so you can imagine my disappointment when I could not conceive. Then--to have my adopted child reject me?<br />
Life. It's not easy. <br />
I think the point is to try to figure out our feelings and then I guess, move beyond them in search of joy. Thank you for reading and for sharing your feelings. I hope that you can reconnect with those girls.

I missed this story so far, because I was too busy with my girlfriend (now ex). Like you, she did not have the luxury of giving birth, so she adopted two girls and raised them. By now they are in their late twenties. Both daughters became high achievers, but they were missing a father figure. Their adoptive father wasn't fit for the role. I tried, carefully, to fit the role, knowing my relationship won't last. Now the daughters want me back. ... In a nutshell, it cannot be easy to grow up as an adoptive child. These innocent souls deserve all our love. Unconditionally.<br />
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And there is one more remark of yours which touched me. I also craved the love of my parents, till the day they died.

Thanks todaysgift for your kind support and compassion. She has been diagnosed with borderliine personality disorder so I have my hands full. I do think we will survive this, but it will not be easy. I can only hope, as you suggest, that with maturity will come some perspective on her part and maybe then at that point we can start repairing the hurt. Thank you again for reading and commenting.

I have been through something very similar with my daughter when she was 15 .. She is a lot better now and we get on great again a year later .. But it was traumatic when she was abusive and staying out.. It's just part of growing up .. She will make little mistakes and you can't blame yourself or protect her from everything ..she is going through a lot hormones school and friends and boys!! You must believe in yourself and stay strong she will need you to take a step back and be calm and strong.. You sound a beautiful mum take care and cherish yourself .

Thanks for reading. She has issues, but we are managing. One day at a time we manage. Thanks for your input.

Yes you are admirable. I have not been forgiving to one of my parents who was dissatisfied with the marriage. Unlike my parents who forgave my transgressions, I did not forgive this parent.<br />
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But, I did forgive my other parent for similar behaviour. Maybe your daughter will come around as she grows older. Teenage years are most difficult times for both children and parents.<br />
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You love your daughter deerly and she likes her freedom. You two can work out a deal where there will be better communication and both of your needs are satisfied.

Bernie--I craved my parents love and attention too, and did not get it--ever---which is why I am making the extra effort not to let her down, even when she shoves me out of the way (figuratively and literally). If one has that it pretty much makes everything else in life bearable. This I learned. Thank you.<br />
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Cherry--I love that she wants my approval--she will sometimes confide to other people (in moments of sincerity) that she does want our love and approval, and it warms my heart--gives me hope. We are happy to give it, always. <br />
We've had a great few weeks, even though I just got a call--her "friend" just gave her her first tattoo.<br />
I am trying to be strong...<br />
Thank you.

I remember when I read this story for the first time, quite a while ago. I didn't comment back then, because everything I wanted to say had already been said above. But your new comment on this story showed up on my wall today and I'm smiling here. It's great that things with your daughter are better, that she got a job, and, most importantly, she wants you to know that she cares whether you are proud of her. She needs your approval and she's not embarrassed to show it. Earlier I got an impression that she had a problem with that. Great to know it has changed.

Your daughter doesn't know what she is spurning. All my life, I yearn for my father to love me like that, to be there for me like that.

That was the first time--I was a novice.<br />
I am a professional now, reaction wise. I have certain stages I go through, and we no longer call the police. She comes home now. She is coming around, slowly. While there is a fair amount of breath-holding going on, my ex and I are eternal optimists, and we don't even ask questions any more; we just wait for her to come back and she does, and each time she sees that we are here with open arms I think she is learning to resist a little less, that is, she is becoming a little less oppositional. <br />
We've had two solid weeks of peace and today she got her first job. She beamed at me and asked me if I was proud of her. I hugged her so hard I almost broke her.<br />
It may or may not last, but for today I am very, very happy--and proud. I AM doing what I am supposed to be doing. Thanks for saying that though. It is hard for someone who has never dealt with a child like this to understand. Thank you for reading.

If your child is 15 and has been missing for 16 hours then you have every reason to be an effing psycho----- it's called good parenting. Try to let it run off your back like water on a duck; you are doing what you are supposed to be doing.

Thank you!<br />
I love coming back here and reading such encouraging words. And I know that all the people who have commented saying that she will come around are right--(or I want to believe they are) but there are times when I feel hopeless and helpless nonetheless.<br />
However--great news to report--she is coming around. We have been doing really well the last couple of weeks. Since my ex and I think in terms of days, sometimes hours--a couple weeks is a long time, actually. No fights, no frantic phone calls, no going awol for days at a time. It has been---a relief.<br />
I thank you so much for reading and for writing. I am happy for you, and your son (and even your mom) and today, I am really happy for me too.

I want to tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. When my son was 15, I can't tell you how many times a day that he told me he hated me. I was a single mom with another child who was younger. My son is now 28 and he is so very protective over my 80 year old mother and me, and actually his younger brother too. He takes my mother to the grocery every single week and any other errands that she needs and will drop anythng if she calls and needs him. I agree with the others who say that, unfortunately, time to mature can't be sped up. Hopefully, one day she will understand how very lucky she was to have been adopted by a mother who loves her so very much.

3way. Thank you sincerely, for reading and for offering your support and prayers. I really appreciate it. She has not called me a psycho in a while. In fact this weekend she called me "mommy" and said she loved me because she wanted me to take her to get her belly button pierced...<br />
Such a lovely mother daughter moment--hard to refuse. <br />
But alas, I was sidelined with allergies...I have never been so grateful for Timothy Hay in my life. haha<br />
Thank you. we are doing much better these days.


AWWWWWWW<333.<br />
im sooo sorry!!!<br />
I am a teen, and i have said soooo many horrible things like that to my mom!! I feel extremely unloved, thats why! OR i feel like shes being waaaaaay too protective! <br />
You need to talk to your daughter and tell her this! <br />
Heart to Heart Conversation.<br />
Good luck babe (:

Thanks for reading.<br />
Have things improved? <br />
No, not so much.<br />
It is one day at a time. <br />
One exhausting day at a time. <br />
I was going to update this when things had turned around...<br />
Still I appreciate your reading and commenting/asking.<br />
I thank you.

That is certainly unconditional love. Have things improved for you and your daughter?

Doug, she definitely needs to rebel, it's as if it is boiling up inside of her. I realize not all kids have this need, but a lot of them do. Her emotional problems obviously exacerbate this. I do have faith that she will settle down eventually, but we are not there yet. In fact I have another story in me about self-harming. When you talk about wanting, as a mom, to be able to take their pain away there is nothing more heartbreaking than having a daughter who harms herself. <br />
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We may never know how adoption figures into all of this. There are no good or easy answers to what may or may not be going on in her head and her heart. Kids like her generally do not like to open up about their feelings as it makes them vulnerable and she is all about being a mean ***** with a tough exterior. So I am an effing psycho for caring--but I am also the one she reaches out to when she is feeling good. Then I am mommy. <br />
I prefer "mommy" actually.<br />
I sometimes daydream about her and I in the future and I like to imagine a time when we are close and she respects me. It is a pleasant dream. I hold onto it. It helps me cope. <br />
Thanks you guys.<br />
It helps me to talk about this stuff, especially as I have another story for " I Have Troubled Teen" <br />
Thanks agaion for reading and commenting. I appreciate it very much.

Hi Quintesse. I'm just reading this story for the first time. Being a parent of a teenager isn't an easy ride for anyone. Being an adoptive parent brings other challenges too. It sounds like you are doing all you can, reassuring her that you are there - all of us are effing psychos in the eyes of our teens - I think it's one of the many qualifications we need to be able to cope with their ups and downs. There is no limitation on unconditional love of course, you're right. None of us go to school to learn how to be parents, we have to learn as we go along and the learning curve with a rebellious and troubled teenager is a steep one. I have a friend in England who adopted a baby who turned into a very troubled child both mentally and physically challenged. The child brought such turmoil into their previously untroubled lives that they often wondered if they'd done the right thing in adopting in the early years. Their lives were turned upside down several times. Love enables us to endure so much and it is self-fulfilling in that the love you receive in return more than compensates you, something which we can all remind ourselves of during times of drama. Keep on reassuring yourself that you are doing the best you can and eventually she will work through this maze she is crawling through to find both herself and you waiting for her at the end of it. I wish you luck and continued strength.

I am! Haha. <br />
My daughter knows this--which is why she understands that even if she ***** up, she can come back, and I will always be there for her. <br />
It's not easy, not by a long shot. I cry a lot. <br />
Thanks for the pat on the back though, both of you. I need that sometimes.

I would love to have a Mother like you, you sound like a very caring loving person.

IT seems to me you have doing everything you could ever do for her... You are right in saying you can not change her, she has to make those decisions herself because only her can make them. You were not wrong in giving that unconditional love, very few people can truly accomplish that when being an adoptive parent. You have done good so far, stay strong!

Thank you, guy. <br />
She is an angel--I mean, that is her true nature. It's just hard to see that sometimes when she goes off. I have found that if I wait her out, the angel always comes back to me.<br />
I think someday you will be a wonderful dad. The only requirement for a parent is to have a heart big enough to support all the love you will feel with a little one committed to your care. It has nothing to do with biology. Believe me.

Oh my! Thank you so much. <br />
Well, this story was written in December and we are now in February and I am happy to report that things have once again stabilized for her and for us. After what you have been through I know you understand. <br />
She is my girl, always will be no matter what, and I will help her any way I can. My happiness is tied into hers, in fact, mine depends on hers. <br />
She may reject me at times, and as a 15 year old I suppose she feels that is her prerogative, but she knows that I will always be here for her when she needs me. She struggles with emotional problems (who of us does not?) but she always finds a way to turn it around and I too am proud of her.<br />
She will come through this and be a really strong person one day when all is said and done, for having overcome this time in her life. I really berlieve that. I belive that for your daughter too, not only because you said she "is taking care of her issues" but because our children have had to face their demons at a relatively young age. With our help they will both be okay, our girls. I believe that with all my heart.<br />
Prayers for her and for you and for that little baby. Thank you very much for your comment. I appreciate it.

What an AWESOME thing to say! I have a daughter who is in every conceivable trouble known to mankind. She was featured on Washington's Most Wanted for a laundry list of crimes. Obviously not her first hint of trouble. She is a drug addict, but clean these last 4 months and pregnant with one of 5 possible fathers. She also made a living prostituting as a high priced call girl. There were times I rarely heard from her and took sad comfort in the knowledge that if the worst of the worst happened at least I would know since her DNA is in the system and I am her emergency contact. Everyone has turned their back on her except her father and I. You are so right and you so beautifully word it when you say there are no statute of limitations on forgiveness. I love my little wild child and I always will. Your daughter will come back to you and when she does she does your fractured little family will heal and be whole once again. Always have faith and never doubt yourself or your devotion. In the end it pays off. I know this from my own experience. Today my daughter is doing much better and taking care of her issues. She is now likely facing more time in jail or even prison, but she wants it in her past and faces it with courage and grace. For this I am proud and stand firmly beside her.

For now I will settle for some new drugs--for her and for me.<br />
I can reason, somtimes too well--and what if no one is listening?<br />
That's the case here.<br />
Thanks for your vote of confidence though. It helps.

I wish that I had your patience and understanding. Undoubtedly it can go a long way in difficult situations like the one you are describing. I am confident that you can get through this. Reason will triumph.

I have to keep reminding myself that she's a kid, Ralph. That "you're an effing psycho" just sounds so adult-like.<br />
I will never give up. It's not in my nature. Thank you so much.

Never a dull moment over here. I could use a break, but ...<br />
I can't really keep track of it all, which part of my heart hurts the most these days. <br />
I used the story analogy, each day a new page. <br />
Thanks for the hugs, N0.

Those are some wise words, Daisy. Thank you.

it's good you are finding release, that is one of the best things you can do for yourself! keeping them within, letting them get to a boiling point and imploding is very detrimental and unhealthy! <br />
honestly, like you wrote above, time is so necessary in this circumstance. the waiting is often times excruciating, and feels like it will never let up or end, but there is always a light at the end of that tunnel. you must look to that light, and remember not to let the darkness envelop you. <br />
taking things one day at a time is probably the best thing you can do for yourselves and her right now. if you just break things down into little accomplishments, it can seem much less overwhelming than trying to tackle all the problems at once and getting bogged down with the amount of them. as for your ex [i take it he's the father?] everyone deals with stress differently. some people are anxious and go to the worst that can happen, almost in a way of preparing themselves if it does. but that really doesn't help in this situation. it'd be nice if you could tell him to focus on the positive, and try to stop himself from thinking of the worst. there are negative possibilities- there are also positive ones. focus on the good- it will not only guide you, but it will also sustain you in times of the darkest adversity.

Thank you Daisy, for your empathy and advice. It is pretty much day to day at this point, with the past couple of days being pretty bad. Her dad and I are discouraged, but she does have a team of professionals working with her, so we always have hope. <br />
The hope is always there, and she knows that we are too, if and when she chooses to let us be. She is pushing back hard right now. <br />
I am using this story as my release, since I cannot talk to her, and the feedback is helping me to keep my perspective and not get too caught up in awful doomsday scenarios (which my ex is prone to). I thank you very much.

"you see that's the thing about unconditional love--it has that forgiveness clause in there, and there is no statute of limitations." -beautiful words! This post definitely made me cry!<br />
I had a troubled relationship with my mom when I was growing up, I didn't respect her and we didn't have much to say to each other at all. When I moved out, I was able to see her in a different light, and finally able to understand the differences we had and what caused issues between us. Now, we have a wonderful relationship, and I believe it is because of unconditional love that insurmountable obstacles can be surpassed and forgotten. Have hope, from a daughter to a mother, that she will come around! I promise. Just give her love as you have been, be kind, try to understand, be gentle when she is hard, pull her to you when she pushes you away, let her go to see her come back.

Time. I know it is a healer; it's the waiting I don't like. I would have liked for her to turn it around yesterday.<br />
I am always gratified to hear from other parents who have gone through this or who are going through it Bec, so I thank you. My girl has her moments when she makes me feel like I am important to her, and I start to think that I have broken through and I feel that closeness. I treasure those moments. Unfortunately they do not last--it is part of the overall problem. <br />
I do give my love unconditionally, as a parent and in other relationships that are special to me. It is the reciprocity that I miss at times though. It is very hard. I try to be a good mom, a good person, but I am also human, and the human part of me wants love in return. Thank you for your good wishes.

Unconditional love is what every parent should have for their children as I have for mine. I'm sure your daughter will figure it out as mine has, now she is a little older. I know and understand the struggle your daughter has as mine has those same struggles too. I have told my daughter many times that I will love her no matter what and we now have the closest relationship that any parent could have with their child. I wish you the best

It sounds like you're doing everything possible. Unfortunately time cannot be rushed and it sounds like that will be the answer. This is where it is said the older the child gets the smarter the parent gets.<br />
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Hang in there.

Thank you Rose. I value your opinion because you're so young. My poor girl has issues with depression and worse, ironiocally not inherited from me but there nonetheless. We have intervened in every way possible. It is hard to watch a child self-destruct before your eyes--the same eyes that watched her learn to ride a bike and plant flowers in the yard. <br />
It is one day at a time for me and for her with the good days treasured by myself and her father.

Tried it. <br />
I think we've tried every kind of love there is--from every perspective and from every angle. <br />
We've exhausted ourselves.<br />
Now it is a waiting game. I tell her, "You are writing you're own story now."<br />
To myself I pray, "Please let it have a happy ending."

my kids mean the world and as with you love is unconditional,I don't live with them now but they all know if they want help i will be there.children are our future to be nurtured and loved but at times tough love is also required.

I know that was how my mom felt. There were times and now that i look back on it think she could have easily given up on me. but she wouldn't she just kept trying to get me help. then I resented her for it. Now, I don't know what I would do if she hadn't been there, killed myself probably. You're a great mother and she's lucky to have you. <br />
I have a few friends whose parents care more about drugs then they do about their children, so I just want to say as I tell my mom, you are amazing. and your love and everything you give your daughter should be applauded. its a gift.

Thanks Rose. She is going through a lot, and I do have confidence that she will figure it all out, eventually. That is my prayer anyway.<br />
That's every mom's prayer.

I'm sorry for what you are going through right now. <br />
As a person of her age group I would like to say that she's probably going through an awful lot. I'm sure she doesn't mean the things she says. It tookme a long time to realize that what my Mother had been doing all this years was just loving me. She wants whats best for me, and I definitely didn't make it easy for her. <br />
I don't know your daughter, obviously. But she'll figure it out eventually too.

It's me too. I am pretty forgiving of other people's faults. Thanks.

I applaud your love. I too have unconditional love for my kids and my girlfriend. No matter, I will be there for them and I will forgive them. My girlfriend can't believe it and thinks it is hard, but for me it isn't. It is just me.