Where Do You Find Unconditional Love?

My heart is heavy with pain today as I say goodbye to my mother, I love you. I took my mother on a journey with me over this past year and a half. I wanted to make every minute count. I drove her over the mountains and as the miles trailed behind us, it was as if I could hear her heart breaking. She left behind all the love and support she has ever known, and now walks into my strange world. Bathed in grief, sorrow and much confusion, she entered my world feeling very ill...very lost. I remember wrapping my arms around her when her son, "her world.. drove away and the door closed" she sobbed until she almost could not breathe, I told her I was sorry for her pain and I would keep her safe.

I also remember telling everyone, I can fix her wounds, take care of her needs, keep her safe, but I can't fix her broken heart. I took her to church services, her first symphony, the lake, and the casino. I took her to dinner, on walks, read to her, bathed her, massaged her hands and her feet. I put lotion on her dry skin, took her to the store, the doctors, payed her bills, watched movies together, played games with her on the big screen tv. We laughed together and cried together.

She started to fall and get herself hurt on many occasions, although I had help coming in, my mother was not safe anymore. She also has Dementia that is taking her over daily. I was forced to find a nursing home to provide full-time care for her. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. She fell many times there too, and again... I had to uproot my mother and move her to a special Dementia center. She looks terrified, scared with anxiety. I cry when I have to leave her..... many times.... trying to not let her see me ....as the door closes behind me.

Today I take her back over the mountains, the miles trailing behind us. I made every minute count. I took her to a nursing home closer to her sons this time... it is my heart that I feel breaking.  I am sobbing until I can't breathe.  It is many miles, and I know I won't go to the symphony, or walk with her downtown to her favorite bakery shop. I will miss her, with visits maybe every three months. I pray that she feels peace, is happy to be back in her home town and that my brothers make every minute count.

So where do you find unconditional love? It is already within you. You will find it in your own heart first,  giving you the ability to recognize it when the one who loves you in this way, discovers the unique pattern of the unconditional energy flow of love between the two of you. We must all recognize it in ourselves first in order to know when someone else loves us in this way.

TwinAngelsLove TwinAngelsLove
3 Responses Jul 18, 2012

Very touching and beautifully written....

Thank you for your words, I will have to learn to live without the constant fear of her getting hurt, or being constantly needed by her. It was a full time job that I gladly took. I know I will just miss her.

I am sorry that you are having to walk this journey. I walked this same journey with my Grams and I remember my heart sinking as I had to walk in to that nursing home the first time with her. She was on a gurney at the time and she just kept repeating over and over her address and that she wanted to be taken home. The nursing home is a place of sadness for me but I still try to take things to make it brighter for her although she continues to decline. I am one of the few people that she remembers consistently, along with my niece that used to visit me frequently when I was one of my gram's primary caregivers. I brought that kid along to doctor appointments and outings and she really helped my grams to have a spark, and she still does. Although it feels like a death to you please know that you are doing what is right for your mom and that hurts like hell sometimes. I wish you peace as you continue your journey.