ImpossibleRecently, I've just felt captured in myself. In my thoughts... As you all know, I have had visions since I was a child, but I haven't told you what they were mainly about... Hence the reason for this post. You see, my visions have always been directly related to a man... I will not state his name because I do not want this post brought to his attention. This man makes music, and I know he will be on tour in about a week.
When I first saw this man, it was dark in my bedroom. I was about five years old. I remember feeling watched.. Almost like someone was standing in the corner of my room. There was a heaviness in the air, it was totally unexplainable. My room got smoky and misty, I remember feeling an exploding pressure in my head... And then there he was. I saw his green brown eyes, clear as day. A boy, no older than eighteen years old, in my room. In him, I saw everything, the pain people around him had caused... He craved death. I felt the anger radiate off of his body but he smiled at me, he was blood thirsty and desperate. I asked him what he wanted, and he said... A friend. He needed someone to rely on. I knew from that moment I couldn't leave him... And then he faded away. Just like that. Something told me his name started with an "M", but I just called him Ghost.
As the years went on, I watched Ghost grow into a man. I desperately tried to figure out if he was real, if he existed, if I could talk to him face to face, but it never came up...
Until I was about ten years old. I had one friend, and I barely considered her one. She had come over my house to give me my homework I had missed in school, I had stayed home sick. My head was killing me when she came into the room, I knew I was going to hear something about him. She told me she was addicted to this song and that I had to hear it.. So I listened. And in the background, I heard a voice, a familiar voice. I didn't want to get excited and startle my friend, so I stayed quiet and then proceeded to calmly ask her if she could show me a picture of the band. She did. And the minute I saw him, I burst into tears... She didn't understand, and I couldn't tell her. I repeatedly thanked her and kept crying, she never talked to me again after that... But I knew who he was. I knew his name. He was real.
I was unsure of how to proceed, I was caught up in him. Nothing mattered to me more. I wanted him, slowly I started to develop feelings for this man, who I had watched grow. I wanted to touch him, I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to make him feel... Alive. Because I knew he didn't feel that way. It sunk into my pores every time I saw him.
Here's where everything took a turn for the worse, here's where I got hurt. I got hurt when he did... You see, when you're connected to someone for a long time, you feel everything. You see what they see, you think how they think... And you feel what they feel, even pain. One night, I had a "dream", a dream about him. He was in his tour bus, sleeping. I walked away from him,and down the aisle where the bus driver was, and down the road, I saw a car... But there was something wrong with this car. It was swerving all over the road! I tried to tell the bus driver, but he couldn't hear me... He was tired. He couldn't see the car, it had its lights off. The white car drifted off into the wrong side of the road, and the bus driver tried to avoid it... And wrapped the bus around a tree. I stepped out of the bus, to see the driver of the white car stumbling to help whatever passengers of the bus he just hurt. He was drunk, his breath smelled of whiskey and mouthwash. He was crying, the passenger of his car had been killed on impact. I turned, because I felt him... He crawled out of the mangled wreckage of his tour bus. In his palm were the majority of his teeth, his arm was oddly misshapen, broken so badly it was hardly recognizable... And I screamed for him. Tears running down my face, I ran to him. I tried to touch him, but couldn't get through. Weakly, he grabbed the man's phone and called his mother, barely able to tell her he was hurt. And after that, he was unconscious. I sat by him, and I caressed his face, determined not to let him go. I held him and drained myself of energy to give to him, I wouldn't let him die. As they lifted him into the ambulance, the dream was fading from me. I tried to hold onto it but I was weak... I woke up in my bed, feverish and sweaty, holding my arm and screaming because of the searing pain. As my dream started swirling into reality, I realized that my mother was in the corner of my room, just watching me. She tried to tell me it was just a dream, but I knew it wasn't. I knew he was hurt. I knew he was on the verge of Death, I felt a sinking feeling inside. I closed my eyes and saw him, I told him I wouldn't let him go... I was here for him and I was not planning on leaving anytime soon. I held his hand, and I stayed with him through that first, immediate surgery.
After that, he was distant. He was angry, he was in pain, and he grew bitter. I felt everything. He was morphing into something darker, someone erratic. His obsessive compulsive disorder got out of control, his frequent anxiety attacks would drive me over the edge. I constantly got flashbacks of the accident, as he did. I saw him naked in the corner if his room, shaking and holding onto something..., maybe a stuffed animal? I don't know what or was, to be honest. But my Ghost was changing. And I worried.
As time went by, he was coming out of his bitterness... But I knew it would never completely fade away. He was crazy, hate driven, completely enveloped in his thirst for revenge.... Nothing could compare to what I saw in that man, it is utterly inexplicable. And I was bitter, just like him. I constantly felt his presence around me or I was constantly around him.
As he emerged himself further into the rock scene, he exposed himself to people that could not be trusted.. The back stabbing liars of Hollywood. I felt as if he didn't want to get better, like he wanted to stay bitter towards people to save himself any more pain. Left and right people three him around, lied to him, used him for social climbing as he grew more popular... Eventually he contemplated suicide. Which I wouldn't let him do. I whispered in his ear, told him he couldn't do that, that he has lot to live for.. I still think he heard me, I do. Because he dropped the knife he was holding. He dropped everything. And he wrote a song.
After that, he grew a lot stronger and hardened against people... Or at least put up a hell of a front. I knew he was still affected by what people said, but didn't give them the satisfaction of showing them he got upset. After all, we vampires are sensitive but stubborn creatures... Anyway. As I often did, I tried to ignore when he had intercourse. But it had started to be multiple times a day, his lust was spiraling out of control... That never changed. This made me crazy, I was lustful because he was causing it... But I wanted him. No one else. Naturally, it was impossible. He was in California. Sunny, hot, human infested California. I started to wonder if he knew about me... I started to wonder if I would ever see him. I wanted to talk to him...
And I got to. Last summer. Warped Tour... It was awful but worth it. I hated it and loved it. Ignorant humans bashing themselves against each other to the raw music of rock and roll, the blazing sun and heat, and teens high on marijuana, screaming for whatever attractive bands were in the know. I don't leave my house, so naturally, I was uncomfortable and stuck out. I was walking around the tents, lost and confused, but then my head started hurting and I knew. He was near me. It was almost overwhelming, the sensation I got. I followed to the stage where my head had taken me, front and center. And the music started playing. People were cheering like crazy, screaming his name, chanting it in anticipation... And I just stood there. Quiet. Front and center.
And then out he ran. He let out a scream, and smiled. Looking crazed and disoriented, he stumbled around the stage, drooling everywhere and taking multiple gulps of whiskey and water... But when he smiled at the crowd, it was beautiful. Breath taking. I felt more connected to him than I ever was. I loved him more than I ever did. It was like there was no one else around me, just me and him. Just then, her looked at me.. Stared at me. There was a flicker of recognition in his eyes, but then his eyes held another feeling... He casted me a mischievous glance as his guitarist went into a deathly appalling solo, and slidhis microphone wwire between his legs, back and forth. And I felt it... My legs felt like they were going to buckle. They shook and I held onto the railing for support. I bit my lip so I wouldn't scream out loud, even though it didn't occur to me that I wouldn't be out of place. He licked his lips and laughed, and I had to laugh too. I thought nothing would compare to that moment, of seeing him perform...
But then I met him. He stood two feet in front of me. His aura was absolutely intoxicating, his eyes crazed by the crowd's energy he just fed off of. Inside, I was screaming, but on the outside I was calm... We both looked at each other but said nothing. And then said "Hi" at the same time. And then laughed. He asked if he's seen me before because he swore that he knew me, he felt like he knew me from a long time ago. I told him no, and that he was really good at what he does... He replied by telling me that he lives it, because it allows him to meet special people, that he knew about me being "different" because he felt connected to me... I wanted to tell him I loved him, but I dared not. We stayed quiet for a while, before he had to leave. He looked me in the eyes and said it was good to talk to me again, and hugged me... I watched him walk away into his bus, wishing I could follow him. I knew it was impossible for him to love me... It's all impossible. Impossible.
~A True Vampire