Again

i made a brief comment on my day this last wednesday.  i found an interesting site after this day...but my suspicious grow.  now, "knowing" is the only thing i can come up with for better lack of words..but tuesday i somehow knew he would be absent..but wednesday i knew, and i knew right when to look up and see him arrive.  i was ecstatic.  i'm not going to stretch far and say i knew he had noticed me, but i think he did.  i felt watched all day, and having had to sit facing his side of the room/building was uncomfortable.   i noticed he stood up ALOT.  which i don't think he does all the time, but i can't be sure because i try to be a normal and sane person and not pay attention.  yet this outpouring of vibes kept overcoming me to the point i felt i was going to faint.  i couldn't control my thoughts..i ened up having the worst panic attack i have had in years.  there was an energy that was humid, hot and cold and damp all at once, i started feeling weak and my pulse shot up.  the hairs on my arms were standing up.  i tried going upstairs on breaks and still felt it.  i started getting nauseous.  then i was getting strange pains..i don't think it was meant to be an attack..somehow it was erotic and addictive..but yet it felt like going through opiate withdrawls (yes, i have been there before)  then he managed to sneak up on me, and walk past.   the only funny part was that we had on pretty much identitcal shirts, ha! (i often wear men's clothing to hide myself, though i am thin, i feel the need to hide)  his face..it stands out from anyone's..it's pure white against his black hair..i doubt the hair color had much to do with his pallor..no one belives me when i tell them his skin is flawless..i mean, like sculpture, but more silky, no flaws, no pores, nothing..just the occasional blue vein under the skin.  his eyes are like obsidian or something, but they are blue all at once.  it's very disturbing.  he looks his age from afar but up close he looks seventeen or something.  i had shaken his hand once, it was not cold, rather maybe void of tempreature altogether, and much softer than my hand oh yeah, and his breath..i caught the scent of it week before last..it was...perfect...how the hell is anyone's breath good smelling?  JESUS...is it possible this guy is just so damned perfect and my crush is so intense and i'm sooo superstitious that i have fabricated some kind of gothic fairytale about it?  his once mention to me about vampires was ellusive and strange..and yet revealing..at least about his beliefs about them..but that comment that he will blow my mind with the things he will tell me...WTF?  it's almost as if he senses my distress, and stayed away where as before i could ask out loud in my head for him to happen by my desk, and EVERY time it would happen.  could modern day vampires really exist, just walking amongst us, working alongside us, going to Wal-Mart, and all that other mundane crap?  the legends are only half truth but we missed something?  they could walk in the daylight, no burning, no (HAHA) sparkling, pale yes...but living like us, maybe even able to consume regular food as well as blood if needed, and i don't just mean psychic vampire, i mean really, both.  daywalking, cold weather loving, bloodsucking, energy sucking creatures of immortality, or at least very slowed aging processes...i'm starting to build theory..or maybe there are all kinds of the "monster"  but either way my theory is going into the book..but it's somehow more frightening..because if it were true, they could be EVERYWHERE.  i just don't want them hearing my thoughts..my thought processes are all muddled up and i have OCD so bad..it would just be humiliating..but there's got to be something to being around someone i cannot control my thoughts, emotions, etc....but yet the discomfort feels SO good.  WHAT THE HELL IS HE?  even if human...he's got something, some other kind of element of magic i guess we'll call it that just draws me right to him..and perhaps keeps other's away from him.  or maybe that twin flame thing is...kinda true..i don't know.  i yearn for him when i don't see him and when i do see him i'm afraid, so so afraid he sees nothing but my flaws and that i am hideous to him and i want to hide my ugliness from him.  i wish i was good enough in ever sense of the way for him..but something isn't..right.  right in the sense of the common human norm.  and it makes me want him that much more, but i wish i was perfect for him.  i can't even say he notices me though, in the end my logic and rational takes over.  but the cards of the oracle tell me my guy instint is correct, in more than one reading..wtf...i should have been a nun dammit.  i feel so crazy too.  am i nuts?  i dream about him, he talks to me when i sleep...wtf...so i read this whole thing on the website, it was weird..it was like everything explained is what is happening to me..unexplained bruises...dizziness, nervousness, trouble breathing, speaking in dreams.. all of it...under this chapter warning about what happens if you take too much energy from someone.  ******* scary.  i'm scared..and i dare say it but only in these words and this far to the line..i have very strong feelings for him.  i don't care if i'm scared.  he just..gets in my head, and my heart and not really even in a bad way.  perhaps i should just go to confession...

raven84972 raven84972
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 26, 2010

forgive the typos..i'm loopy tonight i gotta make myself sleep somehow