Not Sexually Satisfying (new Member)

so im a new member and i figure instead of introducing myself ill just get right into sharing my life and you'll catch on to who i am through my stories..

anyways today my boyfriend really hurt my feeling by saying;

" you have been having sex longer than me and im better at it that you"

" ill never fulfill my sexual fantasies with you"

so how did it get to him saying that?

well i have this thing were taking shower is kind of a spiritual thing. I love cleaning my body and he just doesn't understand what shower represent to me. Anyways, I refuse to have sex with him in the shower but i like showering with him and it frustrates him. he says it torture for him.. i want showering together to be something we can both enjoy together without sex being involved.. and iv told him that but he just doesn't get it

anyways the conversation started with me getting out of the shower and texting him saying i wanna take another shower with him and he starts saying all the dirty things he'd do with me in the shower..of course i totally "access denied" all of hes shower fantasies and in a playful manner he started whining about it and at that point it was no big deal i was laughing with him.. but then when it became an over the phone conversation it wasn't so funny anymore..

he has a habit of not using a filter and i have a habit of being to sensitive so when he started saying things like he'll just come in the bathroom and do whatever he wants i took it personal..then he went on to say that i never do what he wants.. and ill admit im not as sexually "imaginative" as he is. hhes also quite the chatter box so he continued on to say " you've been having sex longer than me and im better at it than you are"

he crossed the line and i let him know by saying you being mean and he said ya i know sorry.. then muttered "ill never fulfill my sexual fantasies with you"
he was still thinking it was a playful conversations and i guess i didn't do a good job at letting him know it wasn't funny to me by not saying anything..but he said his good byes and went in to work..

after he hung up the phone those two quotes repeated in my head and yes i started to cry.. iv already been having insecurities in my relationship because its long distance we only see each other once every other week..he already assured me that everything was ok but the last thing i need is to think hes gonna leave me because im not enough sexually for him..

the reason what he said hurt my feelings is because iv had sex with alot of different guys and completely out of do things that i didnt really want to do with guys just so they wouldn't leave me or at least give me attention till i found a new guy ..all though they always did leave anyways no matter what i did for them. and for my boyfriend i was his first..anyways so it reaally hurt having him say that after so many guys left me after pressuring me to do things i didn't want to do...

the second quote hurt because after being hurt by so many guys i am not at all confident with extreme sexual stuff.. i don't wanna do costumes, i don't wanna play dominatrix, im not into dirty talk.. and that's all the stuff my boyfriend wants to do.. now iv already tried a lot of things out of my range to please him like different positions, anal and just interesting things you look up on the internet.. so you cant say i haven't tried

anyways i told him that he hurt my feelings and that i dont feel enough for him sexually and now i feel like i tell him about how i feel to much especially when its negative .so what am i suppose to do now? because i feel the furthest iv ever felt from him since weve been dating and i hate it especially because its about sex.. any suggestions to help with our sex life or on the story all together..

any advice?

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1 Response Sep 18, 2012

If you haven't done so already (and I'm guessing you already have), you need to sit down with him and have a heart-to-heart about your feelings and what is and isn't acceptable to you sexually. As you said, you've been trying, but everyone has their limits, which is normal and healthy. I think communication is really key. It's good you told him how upset you were by what he said to you. I hope he listens and understands to what you're saying. If he's as young as you are then he's hornier than a bull-frog and may have too much of a one-track mind regarding sex. You need to stand your ground, though. As you said, you've already given too much of yourself to try to keep guys who really didn't care. It sounds like this relationship has worked a lot better for you and that you really love your bf? Don't forget to love yourself too, though. You deserve as much dignity and respect, since you have to live with yourself and your decisions every day. I'm glad you're in a good relationship, just don't let yourself get hurt, okay?

I'm glad you found my comments helpful and that things are going well. Despite your willingness to "try everyone once for him," stick to your guns about how far is too far, and keep yourself safe. That's important too. Okay, now I'm getting off this soap-box. ; )