Learning To Not Fall Into A Personal Hell

It was about 9:00 am during a hot air balloon festival. i hadn't thought twice about falling asleep on his couch, and if someone had told me ten minutes earlier on that day, in the home of someone i thought a good person that my life would change forever, that i would be the victim of attempted rape i would have actually laughed at them. Just proves how little people know about each other. The worst part i think is the fact that i still remember even the slightest detail, it's forever burned into my mind. When his hands were on me, squeezing, biting into me, i'm afraid to say that i did nothing. I never knew what it meant to be frozen in fear till that moment. My feeble attempts at getting away from him went unnoticed, my voice was frozen, i couldn't make a sound. And my friend only a few feet away had no idea what was going on. For about a month i couldn't sleep at all, too afraid that he would find me in my dreams. When i did sleep he did find me, and i had to relive it over again. if it hadn't been for my friends i'm scared to say that i would have killed myself without a second thought. I would have ended it just to get away from the memories of him as he suffocated me with a pillow, held my hands on his body. For me, i will never escape those images, they'll be with me until i die. I was doing well on my way to trying to get some sort of life back...until march 13, 2010, less than 5 months after the first time. I'm broken now, very broken and i honestly don't think i will ever get back a real semblence of a life again. Not only are my dreams filled with the first man, but my mind is twisting the memories into both of them at the same time. It hurts and it's completely destroyed my trust in any man, it takes strength i don't have to actually touch another man, even if it is just a hug. Anything more than a handshake and i'm terrified. My heart will beat so fast, i'll go into a panic and i'll start having flashbacks that just won't stop. I can't even be alone in a room with my best friend anymore, just because he's a guy.

I hate to say it and in my mind i know it's not true, but i still believe that both times were my fault. No matter what people tell me, i believe it with all my heart. If i hadn't been tired enough to fall asleep on his couch. If only i had asked to go out and do something else instead of watching a movie. If only i wasn't there that day. If only i had struggled harder. If only i had called out. if only i hadn't tried to drink away the pain from the first time, i never would have been pinned under him. if only i had realized that someone had invited a guy over to the house. if only i had run when i had the chance, if only i was brave and not a coward. If only i had found a way to get my arms free to stop him. if only i hadn't let him rip into me, pushing and clawing through me. The "if only"s' that go through my head are endless and everytime i'm alone they return with even more.
i can't say i'm a survivor yet, i'm still trapped by those two men even if they don't realize it, I can't say i've made it because honestly i haven't. it's still torture to go into any kind of detail, it still hurts to sleep, i still have to have some kind of noise around me to keep most of the images away. the only thing i can say is ten months after the first and five months after the second, i'm still here. and for the moment it's all i can and will ask of myself.
RainyMist RainyMist
2 Responses Aug 7, 2010

Stop saying "if only". I don't mean to be cruel, but you did none of those, and beating yourself up about what you did wrong won't help you recover at all. What will help (I speak from personal experience) is living. Yes, you will have flashbacks. I don't know how long they'll last, but when you find yourself having one, take some deep breaths and remind yourself precisely where you are and what you are doing. You WILL heal, but just like building Rome, it's not going to happen overnight.

I'm so very, very sorry for what you are going through. Knowing something intellectually and accepting it emotionally are two very different things, but you are correct when you say this isn't your fault. And you are definitely NOT a coward. It's a good thing that you are able to talk about it, and not keep it bottled up inside, but you need to get into counseling and find a support group so and talk about your experience with people who have been there and can help you get back to some semblance of normal.