KnockingI realized today, as the imagery presented itself to me, just what I've been doing. I have been looking through my life, instead of actually being present in it.
It is as if it is all happening on the other side of a giant pane of glass; I can watch, but I am prevented from participating fully. Depression holds me back definitely, but also fear. Often the glass is smudged, and I can barely see what is going on, on the other side.
Other times I can see and almost feel the happiness of the others as I watch from my side, and I want to break through, but I am afraid of getting hurt, so I watch from afar, taking some joy I guess, from seeing others being happy.
When the urge strikes me, I can put on my suit of armor and break through, fearless of shards and scrapes, gashes. But eventually I retreat, back to the other side to nurse my wounds. The armor cannot completely shield you--the vulnerable parts are always vulnerable, despite the mask and the weight of it, of having to wear it. It slows you, and makes jumping for joy, even dancing, nearly impossible.
I have tried pounding, and screaming, desperate to be heard and seen, recognized through the glare and the reflection. Sometimes I just see myself looking back, and it scares me. It blocks out everything else and I begin to think that is was all an illusion, what I thought I saw.
But then how? How do you get over there?
Maybe you knock, gently, and wait for someone to notice you, to care enough to help you find your way through.
Quintesse 46-50, F 3 Responses 0 Nov 24, 2010