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My Mom Once Told Me.....

Dear mother,

Today i miss you like no other day and please, please understand my need to leave you there and not see you... but mother,  this is for you, because i love and will always, always love you.  This is a voice I'm giving to you and to me because you never had one and neither did I.  I didn't.  Until she came into my life, and then another, and now i'm blessed to have had her and missing in my life. One day, one day i hope that you will find it in your heart to forgive yourself because I forgivf you and understand you like no other. Maybe, at least I try to .... Forgive me too, and trust me.  My heart is here on my sleeve.  It is sad, lonely, abondoned, rejected.  It longs to be touched in a positive way by someone I care about, to be held and comforted.  It has been touched.  Now, it has been. Even my body rejects it...a voice and that one day we can share what its like to not be able to be heard....this is me mother, i'm here and so are you.  My wish is that one day you can be heard to, and blessed with what i have been blessed with and touched and be touched like me...

My mom gave me a book once, in that book she picked out a quote and around that quote she drew a pink heart with a pink highlighter, i can smell the highlighter, the book- i do not have it with me, but i can remember ...

I can remember the quote....it went like this.....

Life is teaching you some painful lessons.  But its through adversity that strength is born.  You may have lost the inning, but I know you'll win the game.

I'd like to elaborate on that quote and make some adjustments....

I think life is teaching you some painful lessons, i think in life we learn a lot and grow each day through what we go through, who we share with, who we meet, who we love..  We can just let it be what it is.

Our experiences and circumstances shape us as humans, they shape who we are and what we believe, they shape what we do and it can sometimes be good/ bad, it dosen't have to be judged....to be said good/bad--it dosen't have to be..  It can just be, it can  just be us...

Life and painful lessons go together, life is filled with secrets, hidden identities, and deep, dark, shameful pasts.....humilating pasts, happy pasts, tearful pasts, things have happened to us all, some may know what has happened, some may not know, some can admit it, some cannot, and for some, it will  never come  out.....it will stay hidden here, forever behind these secret names, yes here it is secret to...for me one day it will be real and hidden no longer...but not now .....

adversity - it can be that we learn from it, that we do grow and gain strength.  It can be that it tears (cannot spell) us down and crushes us in evey humanly way possible, it can just be what it is.....

Losing an inning and winnning the game, there i beg to differ.  Is it really necessary to say we lost the inning but will  win the game?  Does there have to be a game?  Does there have to be winners and losers?  Can it not be so.  I'd rather it just be. 

I think we all lose in life, thats a given, we lose love, we lose strength, we lose boundaries, we destroy and get destroyed.  We lose our footing and find it again....

I don't think its ever won, or finished for that matter, how can it be?  There are NO, NO losers and winners in life, it just is what it is.  I want to be all-accepting, all-forgiving, all-open and honest and real.  I want to be me and I want to be given a voice and oppertunity....

To be heard and to say what I feel and what I think.  It isn't fair -life's not fair and it is very, very wrong and I understand that.

I want to learn, I want to trust so badly, I want to be able to share, in person too...

I don't want to be hurt, rejected, abandoned.  I don't want to not feel or think or pray or hope or dream.    I want to LIVE!.  I want to come alive and be me.  I want to be strong.  I also want to be weak and volunerable with myself and with others.   I want to be able to show my feelings on the outside and I want to cry, I really want to cry, for you and for me, and for all there is that has happened, for what is real and what is not real.  For the imagined and unimaginable.  For the children, unjustices, women, men, stigmatized, hurt, abused, loved, betrayed, abandoned, untrusted, destroyed, destroyers, on and on.  For understanding in such a powerful, deep way, for not understanding at all.  For knowing and not knowing, and I could go on for eternity and it would never be over....

There is much to say and this is only a beginning for me...

I long to say that i feel in so many ways that i stole your voice now, that you belong here and not me.  That this is your place and not mine.  That your not being here is killing me, killing me softly with your words, telling my whole soul with your words, killing me - you know Roberta Flake -i think-Killing Me Softely.  This here, you have once again given me something here.  No its not fair and yes, its wrong, again. I hate it, i hate it, i hate not being here with you.....in your arms telling you about me and my story and sharing it with you...i want to hold you tight and confess in your arms whats happened to me and tell you the deep, dark shameful past, but whats said is said and whats done is done.  I want to kiss your tears on your cheeks because I feel it, I feel like your crying and have been crying and that your alone and don't trust either.  I feel like on so many levels I know who you are, yet do I know you at all?  I want to pull you in to me close and hold you so softly, and tenderly and gently and affectionatly, just hold you and tell you to be you and thats okay and i will take you as you are and i don't care about anything that you have done, said, that you are or aren't, i am all-open, all-honest, all-here, forever and ever.  I love you no matter what has happened to you or who you are.  I  love you for you and no one else.   It has been a long time since I have let someone in and let myself to have good feelings about someone. It hard for me to do that, and i so desperatly want you to help me understand you and what you need and i want you to understand me and what i need.  I want you to be my first, to guide my hand, and to show me the way....to trust me and i trust you and confess in you and i take a chance - i'm risking it all, i'm letting my guard down for you, here, and maybe, maybe one day, we an talk about it and we can hold each other and you can cry in my arms and me in yours and i'll kiss your tears and you can kiss mine.....but is this really worth thinking about?  I can hope and dream and pray that one day you'll find the courage and strength to come to me and share whats really on your mind.....you can do that, i really need it- for you and for me to grow and learn and touch and be touched.   To trust again and be trusted.  To be me and be real in real life and look in your eyes.  I so desperatly need that.......

But if it cannot be, thats okay, i can accept that and move on, and i will, i always have.  I'll learn and grow and get stregth from yet another experience......and i'll probably shed tears, many tears for what could or could not have been, i don't want to cry alone but if i have to thats fine, i can and i have....i can close up once more, i'm used to it and i'll be fine. You know i say that, that i'll be fine and thats not true......but.........its how i deal and how i handle my life....

So now, its your turn to take the next step, if you want, and your open and willing, i cannot and will not take the first step, even in person, i won't, i cannot. Please for give me that.   Here I can.  And this is me and what i'm saying here to you.  These, these are my "true colors"  They can be beautiful and they can be ugly they can be real and not real they can just be, but they are here and showing for you and only you and i'm so so sorry for everything, truly sorry for my invasion and destruction and for the fact that, that.....i need to stop here.

stigmafree stigmafree 31-35 6 Responses Nov 26, 2009

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Thank you for sharing yourself.

good bad,

yes , very thought provoking , but sadly all too familiar.

i'll do that editing is important, i like to be grammatically correct! but later.......

Hmmm. Thought provoking. Edit this down later and it will become clear.

Good/bad -- even the bad is innately good.<br />
<br />
Thank you.