I Believe Life Is Very, Very Weird
If I had read my life of this year in a book one year ago I would have thought that the autor was absolutely crazy. Maybe I should write a book but nobody would believe it would be reality.
my boyfriend and I were a happy couple for 7 years, or so we thought. I always knew that he had some strange views of life. but I did not want to think about... for example he said, that he loves me and wants to grow old with me, but categorical he absolutely never wants to marry... why I could not understand... he also never wanted to leave the company he worked for... In January he started feeling bad in the job, and fell in deep depression. He even attempted suicide 3 times... the last time in front of my eyes...
all the time he said he loves me... now he sais he has woken up, after 7 months. He said, he was so crazy that he thought it is better to kill him self than thinking about quiting the job. He said he will stop this now....
yesterday he told me that he is thinking about marrying... not really... he just said that it is wrong... to be officialy single after 7 years relationship, and 5 years in a shared appartment... he didn't see the conclusion yet, but just told me he want to have an official paper that we love each other....
I am confused... I was wishing this since about 2 years, but now after the last 7 month which were very traumatic for me.... I had to call police and ambulance to stop his suicide attempts and know he is talking about things like this...
I am not even scared, nor do I know what I want, I mean I told him the moment is wrong but I always wished... he said "yes, I know"... and he also knows that the moment is wrong... but it is not so much wrong as it may sound... I am happy that he changed his view of life and now tries to see life with different eyes... I am happy... I am confused.... I can not even describe what I feel.... there are no words...
a nearly silent voice tells me I should fear, but I can't, all my fears have died. And why? because it never helped... 7 years I feared to lose him and that's why I actually lost him... Now I can not fear any more, I do not want to think anymore, I just wanna live, I'm not sure yet what it means...
I can not love him at the moment, and he knows, he understands... (what is already a reason for me to start loving him again) but I like the man he starts to be now... I really like him... If we keep going on like this, I will probably fall for him again and if it will work the love probably be 3 times more real than ever before or may be I will not be interessted in his new himself and I do not mind... I have nothing to lose here
I feel like I am lying in bed, waking up after a very strange dream, the dream was so strange that I can not even realize were reality ended and were the dream started...
so I know life is very, very weird.... If read a book like this, I would think the autor is absolutely crazy...
