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Don't Need to Believe, I Know Life Is Weird

If I had read my life of this year in a book one year ago I would have thought that the autor was absolutely crazy. Maybe I should write a book but nobody would believe it would be reality.

my boyfriend and I were a happy couple for 7 years, or so we thought. I always knew that he had some strange views of life. but I did not want to think about... for example he said, that he loves me and wants to grow old with me, but categorical he absolutely never wants to marry... why I could not understand... he also never wanted to leave the company he worked for... In January he started feeling bad in the job, and fell in deep depression. He even attempted suicide 3 times... the last time in front of my eyes...

all the time he said he loves me...  now he sais he has woken up, after 7 months. He said, he was so crazy that he thought it is better to kill him self than thinking about quiting the job. He said he will stop this now....

yesterday he told me that he is thinking about marrying... not really... he just said that it is wrong... to be officialy single after 7 years relationship, and 5 years in a shared appartment... he didn't see the conclusion yet, but just told me he want to have an official paper that we love each other....

I am confused... I was wishing this since about 2 years, but now after the last 7 month which were very traumatic for me.... I had to call police and ambulance to stop his suicide attempts and know he is talking about things like this...

I am not even scared, nor do I know what I want, I mean I told him the moment is wrong but I always wished...  he said "yes, I know"... and he also knows that the moment is wrong... but it is not so much wrong as it may sound... I am happy that he changed his view of life and now tries to see life with different eyes... I am happy... I am confused.... I can not even describe what I feel.... there are no words...

a nearly silent voice tells me I should fear, but I can't, all my fears have died. And why? because it never helped... 7 years I feared to lose him and that's why I actually lost him... Now I can not fear any more, I do not want to think anymore, I just wanna live, I'm not sure yet what it means...

I can not love him at the moment, and he knows, he understands... (what is already a reason for me to start loving him again) but I like the man he starts to be now... I really like him... If we keep going on like this, I will probably fall for him again and if it will work the love probably be 3 times more real than ever before  or may be I will not be interessted in his new himself and I do not mind...  I have nothing to lose here

I feel like I am lying in bed, waking up after a very strange dream, the dream was so strange that I can not even realize were reality ended and were the dream started...

so I know life is very, very weird.... If read a book like this, I would think the autor is absolutely crazy...

 

LittleAnt LittleAnt 26-30, F 5 Responses Aug 25, 2009

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thought1: learn to read before you comment....<br />
I never said that drugs helped anybody<br />
I have never seen any sort of effect of them... I said the circumstances helped... but I know you will not be able to read... you prefer to ignore us all... and makes us all angry... you will never help anybody like this... and I am sure don't mind... we are lost anyway...<br />
<br />
<br />
And the "ill" point in the socalled mental illness is for me the believe to be a victim. That is what makes ill. But we do not need to believe to be a victim, we are only victims if we want to be victims. but we can change our opinion everyday, everyday we can decide that we have been a victim for long time enough... and we do not want to believe in the victimness anylonger... we can change a lot of things in our life everyday, if we just want, there are a lot things wrong in the world, but things are wrong because too many people believe that they are victims... too many people believe that they have to obey rules which are written nowhere.. imaginary rules... the only ill point is to believe to be a victim..<br />
<br />
the only thing in the world I don't accept is the self-pity, self-pity never helps anybody at all...

He HAS NOT changed - people NEVER CHANGE - NOT THAT EASY, AND NOT BY DRUGS IN ANY CASE. <br />
The drugs only temporarily mask some things. <br />
While ALWAYS MAKING MUCH HUGER ISSUES TO THE VICTIMS LATER.

Of course - unsatisfying job, meaningless existence. <br />
Many people are victims to that. THE REASON IS OUTSIDE - NOT IN THEM, THE REASON IS THE HIGHLY IMPROPER SYSTEM EVERYWHERE WORLDWIDE. <br />
THE LACK OF KNOWLEDGE. <br />
THE HIGHLY IMPROPER DEVELOPMENT OF THE EARTH AND THE HUMANS.

thanks for your comment... my boyfriend is still in mental hospital... I have a therapist, too. I talked a lot with my parents but they also tried to protect me, because they saw how I was suffering, so they also told me to leave him, what I just couldn't, so I often felt very lonely... I did not really dare to tell my friends, I told them something but not even a quarter of what I wrote here...<br />
but what helped most where we self. He tried to take an medicamental overdose in front of my eyes. I paniced but could not stop him , he is 3 times stronger than I. So I called the police. That is when he woke up. He told me that he realized if I - the women who loved him for 7 years - had to call the police to arest him, because I could not longer stand watching him, doing this. When I call the police than he has to stop, than he has to change life. That's what he told me...

Hi LittleAnt<br />
yes that is weird! You write well. I guess your friend had a mental health issue. He seems to have survived and to have even grown. It sounds frightening. I wonder of you got any help? Life can now go on - perhaps a slightly different track. A wake up call that life is weird and not to be taken for granted. You sound great!<br />
:)